DeWhite quotes

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An automatically created list of quotes by the DeWhite family.
On this page: Jared | Trent

Jared

Jared DeWhite: Oh Mr. Whittaker, Mr. Whittaker you're good, very good. But not good enough.

#426: “The Buck Starts Here”

Charles VanHorn: Look, I drew a dinosaur.
Jared DeWhite: Not bad. Why is he purple?

#409: “Natural Born Leader”

Jared DeWhite: Wait a second. We're doing all this work for peas?
Eugene Meltsner: Precisely. You will soon enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Dwayne Oswald: Isn't that more like the vegetables of your labor?

#414: “Buried Sin”

Jared DeWhite: Maybe too normal. Just like when the witness protection people took me out of my house. Everything's nice and neat. Man!
Mandy Straussberg: What?
Jared DeWhite: It's happening again.

#518: “The Case of the Disappearing Hortons”

Jared DeWhite: Some dirty low-down no-good louse took my cap! That really stinks!

#398: “A Case of Revenge”

Dwayne Oswald: And also, what kind of personality does this bush have? Am I perplexed? Kindhearted? I can do a great kindhearted bush.
Jared DeWhite: You're a spy bush, Dwayne. Besides, don't think of yourself as a bush, think of yourself as a fully camouflaged, budding secret agent!
Dwayne Oswald: A bush.

#400: “The Spy Who Bugged Me”

Sarah Prachett: So you're telling me World War I never happened?
Jared DeWhite: World War I, II, the Civil War, you name it—it's a lie.

#379: “Best Face Forward”

Jared DeWhite: As the Bible says, why do you care so much about the spam in your brother's eye when you have a hog in your own? Or something like that.

#427: “Something Cliqued Between Us”

Jared DeWhite: And you didn't ask the mayor to pass a new puberty tax?
John Whittaker: That's "property tax." And believe me, I would never ask the mayor to raise taxes!

#426: “The Buck Starts Here”

Sarah Prachett: We went on vacation to Virginia last year. There's all sorts of Civil War monuments.
Jared DeWhite: Oh, yes. Brilliant scheme, that was. All of them built in 1986.
Sarah Prachett: What? Who built them?
Jared DeWhite: Adults. In 1984 the President got on TV. He said children are getting smarter and smarter, and soon they'll be smarter than us, so from now on we'll teach 'em lies. Everyone thought it was a great idea, and they've been teaching kids wrong stuff ever since.

#379: “Best Face Forward”

Dwayne Oswald: The name's Bush. Dwayne Bush.
Jared DeWhite: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're a natural. Now, move it private! Move it, move it, move it!

#400: “The Spy Who Bugged Me”

Dwayne Oswald: It's a brain!
Jared DeWhite: Yuck!
Dwayne Oswald: It must have laughed its head off!

#415: “Gloobers”

Jared DeWhite: Do you think those are real birds up there? Because I just came across one with a very suspicious-looking beak...

#517: “It's All About Me”

Jared DeWhite: We can't keep up with them. This is crazy!
Mandy Straussberg: It was your idea.
Jared DeWhite: I know.

#518: “The Case of the Disappearing Hortons”

Jared DeWhite: I'm telling you, it was almost like talking to myself! Not that I do that sort of thing...

#409: “Natural Born Leader”

Mandy Straussberg: What are you doing here?
Jared DeWhite: I've been told I have the perfect forehead.

#544: “Split Ends”

Jared DeWhite: I'm the vanguard of justice around here, and Rodney's the one who needs van-guarding!

#398: “A Case of Revenge”

Jared DeWhite: This is the biggest thing since—quote, unquote—World War II!

#478: “Strange Boy in a Strange Land”

Jared DeWhite: Why do I always get stuck doing the dirty work?
Eugene Meltsner: Uh, perhaps because you're so good at it?

#414: “Buried Sin”

Liz Horton: What are you doing?
Jared DeWhite: Oh, I leaned back too far in the chair.
Liz Horton: Not that. Why were you in the closet?

#417: “Not-So-Trivial Pursuits”

Jared DeWhite: Now I wasn't spying or anything, but why does Cody let people do that? If someone did that to me, I'd tell 'em to go take a hike.
John Whittaker: You probably would, wouldn't you? And give 'em directions, too!

#375: “The Pushover”

Sarah Prachett: You're a sad little boy.
Jared DeWhite: And you're just as ignorant as the rest of the youth of America.

#379: “Best Face Forward”

Cassidy: You? I actually asked YOU how to tell a friend that he has bad breath? You, who has absolutely no manners? You, who says whatever's on his mind at all hours of the day, no matter how offensive or annoying? You, who had no problem telling our English teacher she resembled an ostrich? I actually asked YOU this question?!
Jared DeWhite: Yeah... how'd that turn out, by the way?
Cassidy: AAAAHHHH!!!

#427: “Something Cliqued Between Us”

Jared DeWhite: Hehehe!
Solly Mendelson: What are you doing?
Jared DeWhite: I'm sneaking.

#518: “The Case of the Disappearing Hortons”

Dwayne Oswald: I looked over the test Dr. Hawthorne gave me, and it's not mine. Something's wrong here.
Jared DeWhite: Conspiracy, huh? Okay, so what we need to do is call the media. Trust me—they love this stuff. <reporter voice> Student fights for his honor against the forces of evil! Film at 11.
Dwayne Oswald: I don't know...
Cody Carper: <reporter voice> Pardon me, sir. I understand that Dr. Hawthorne's history class is boycotting the cruel and unusual treatment of students. Is that true?
Jared DeWhite: <reporter voice> Yes, they are, Walter. Someone there is holding fair grades hostage. Wait, I'm here with Dwayne Oswald, the man most affected by this sordid affair. Tell me, Mr. Oswald: What do you think?
Dwayne Oswald: I think you guys are totally nuts.

#403: “Faster Than a Speeding Ticket”

Jared DeWhite: Oh, I'm not very good at maps. Whenever I try to use the one at the mall, I always end up at the pregnant women's clothing store.

#375: “The Pushover”

Sarah Prachett: Are you saying Mr. Whittaker would lie?
Jared DeWhite: If he doesn't, he'll be thrown in jail, Sarah. You'd lie, too.

#379: “Best Face Forward”

Jared DeWhite: Set your hair on fire with this candle while I bug the phone.

#544: “Split Ends”

Jared DeWhite: Hey, take it easy, Dwayne.
Dwayne Oswald: I've never been more humiliated in my life!
Jared DeWhite: This is nothing. Just wait until you get into high school.

#400: “The Spy Who Bugged Me”

Mandy Straussberg: It's wrong, Jared.
Jared DeWhite: It's all a matter of opinion.
Mandy Straussberg: It's not a matter of opinion. John F. Kennedy did not shoot Abraham Lincoln.
Jared DeWhite: Sure. That's what they want you to think!

#427: “Something Cliqued Between Us”

Dwayne Oswald: Here, read this.
Jared DeWhite: Sick of dinosaurs chasing you and ripping off your head? Vote for Charles VanHorn.

#409: “Natural Born Leader”

Jared DeWhite: Ah! Here Let's get outa here!
Sarah Prachett: We'll get you for this, Julie! If it's the last thing we do!

#391: “The Joke's on You”

Jared DeWhite: Back then, kids were suspectable to things like that.
Dwayne Oswald: You mean susceptible?
Jared DeWhite: That's what I said.

#400: “The Spy Who Bugged Me”

Jared DeWhite: Dwayne? Are we alive?
Dwayne Oswald: Yeah. Unless Heaven has linoleum floors.

#415: “Gloobers”

Cody Carper: It's coming closer!
Jared DeWhite: I think it sees us. It's a bear!
Unknown: AAAAH!!

#375: “The Pushover”

Jared DeWhite: Don't you think it's a scam? Who does this? Rides a bike across the country. What if there's a thunderstorm?
John Whittaker: Well, I imagine he takes shelter when he needs to.
Jared DeWhite: I'll tell you what he does. After he bikes through the city, he rides the next 100 miles in an air conditioned camper. Until he gets to the next city. Everybody thinks he's out there working and sweating when he's really sitting on an exercise bike in a camper while he watches TV and eats fig bars!
Sarah Prachett: See what I have to listen to?

#379: “Best Face Forward”

Cody Carper: Mr. Whittaker, you need to know that Dwayne sometimes forgets to put his name on his test.
Dwayne Oswald: ...Only a couple of times.
Cody Carper: Most of the time!
John Whittaker: I see.
Jared DeWhite: One time, he even wrote a love letter to Mona Mason and he forgot—
Dwayne Oswald: JARED!
Jared DeWhite: <beat> Oh. Sorry.

#403: “Faster Than a Speeding Ticket”

Trent DeWhite: How long have you been sitting here?
Jared DeWhite: Two sundaes, a milkshake, and a parfait.
Trent DeWhite: You’re kidding!
Jared DeWhite: I wish I was. If she doesn’t do somethin’ soon, I’m gonna have to buy a bigger pair of pants.

#542: “Eggshells”

Mandy Straussberg: <On the phone> Jared? Are you Miss Friendship? Are you?!
Jared DeWhite: <beat> I gotta go! <hangs up phone>
Mandy Straussberg: AAAAHHH!!

#427: “Something Cliqued Between Us”

Liz Horton: What do you think of this sweater?
Jared DeWhite: Eh. It makes you look fat.
Liz Horton: What?!

#544: “Split Ends”

Mandy Straussberg: You wouldn't know a good play if it... if it...
Jared DeWhite: Overthrew the government!
Mandy Straussberg: Overthrew the — what?!

#538: “Stubborn Streaks”

Jared DeWhite: Uh-oh, Sarah Prachett at 12 o'clock!
Dwayne Oswald: Oh, good, we have half an hour then.

#400: “The Spy Who Bugged Me”

Jared DeWhite: This is a no-brainer! <to Mr. Brain> Uh, n-no offense.
Mr. Brain/Master: None taken.

#415: “Gloobers”

Jared DeWhite: What was that?
Cody Carper: A sheep.
Jared DeWhite: A sheep? Like Mary had a little sheep?

#375: “The Pushover”

Jared DeWhite: It's all staged... just like when they faked that whole moon-landing thing! <beat> Which is... another conversation for another time.

#379: “Best Face Forward”

Jared DeWhite: But I don't get it. In her e-mails, Mandy said that she liked my advice. She said that she followed it, and some of it even worked. I mean, what difference does it make that it's me?
John Whittaker: Jared, you have to admit, you're not exactly an authority on most of the subjects people are writing to you about.
Jared DeWhite: Why not?
John Whittaker: Well, you're telling people how to get along with others, yet you have trouble getting along with others, right?
Jared DeWhite: What's your point?
John Whittaker: You don't practice what you preach. If you really want people to take you seriously, you need to fix your own problems before you try to fix theirs.

#427: “Something Cliqued Between Us”

Jared DeWhite: You think he'd wanna interview me?
Sarah Prachett: He wants to write about America. Not Mars.

#379: “Best Face Forward”

Dwayne Oswald: That does it! <unzips a back pack>
Jared DeWhite: What? What are you doing? Hey! What's that?
Dwayne Oswald: Unbleached, all-purpose, self-rising...
Jared DeWhite: Flour?! Dwayne! You wouldn't! AAHH!!

#400: “The Spy Who Bugged Me”

Jared DeWhite: <Mexican accent> Jared run away to Mexico!

#427: “Something Cliqued Between Us”

Jared DeWhite: Hey, look! It made us casserole!

#415: “Gloobers”

Jared DeWhite: I'll be good.
Connie Kendall: Why am I not comforted by this?

#379: “Best Face Forward”

Mark Herring: Have you heard about the plot to put tiny microphones in every public restaurant in the world?
Jared DeWhite: Serious?
Mark Herring: Yeah. I mean, how else could you explain those cheesy flowers at every table?

#379: “Best Face Forward”



Trent

Trent DeWhite: Whoa! That... was incredible! When you flexed your muscles, I felt a breeze!
Arnold Schwarzenbanger: Of course you did this. That's because I'm so massively perfect. In my movies I need a whole stunt man just to play my left arm!

#560: “The Present Long Ago”

Mandy Straussberg: Trent, what are you doing on your knees?
Trent DeWhite: Mandy?
Mandy Straussberg: Yes?
Trent DeWhite: Will you... will you lift your foot? I dropped my spoon.

#602: “Mum's the Word”

Trent DeWhite: What happened?
Marvin Washington: Somebody hit you with jello.

#558: “A Glass Darkly”

Trent DeWhite: It all started out with a simple quest of excellence in rodentry!

#610: “Hear Me, Hear Me”

Trent DeWhite: I was asked to join the biology club. We do experiments and help other kids with biology projects. And we're the only group allowed to touch the skeletons. I know it sounds nerdy, but it's kind of an honor to be asked because skeletons aren't cheap.
Robert Mitchell: I wouldn't sell mine for anything.

#517: “It's All About Me”

John Whittaker: I'm just finishing up an invention for Eugene; he's organizing an event at the homeless shelter in Connellsville.
Trent DeWhite: I hate to break it to you, but cash registers have already been invented.

#625: “Something Significant”

Mrs. Nietchew: Trent, name the first man-made object to touch the moon.
Trent DeWhite: The first man-made object? Uh... Neil Armstrong's shoe?

#553: “Potential Possibilities”

Trent DeWhite: Mr. Whittaker, that was the coolest Imagination Station adventure ever!
Marvin Washington: Yeah, and the best math class I've ever had.

#549: “Think on These Things”

Trent DeWhite: Marvin, we've been practicing for over five hours today. My string fingers have blisters on top of calluses, and we don't seem to be getting any better. I don't care about the "invisible groove of the soul"; I would be satisfied with anything remotely resembling music!
Marvin Washington: ...I think what's going on here is called the "tension of harmony".
Trent DeWhite: You made that one up, too!

#559: “The Coolest Dog”

Marvin Washington: Trent, you may very well be walking in the presence of the future fundraising champ of Odyssey Middle School!
Trent DeWhite: Wow. Y'know, I think I'm getting goosebumps.

#600: “The Nudge”

Max Hampton: You got the key?
Trent DeWhite: Uh, no. Hey, what did the chewing gum say to the shoe?
Max Hampton: I'm stuck on you. You've only got till tomorrow, you remember that, right?
Trent DeWhite: Uh, I remember. Uh, what bird steals from the rich and...
Max Hampton: Robin Hood.
Trent DeWhite: You know that one too, huh?

#560: “The Present Long Ago”

Trent DeWhite: Let me get your chair for you.
Mandy Straussberg: It's a bench, Trent. It's stuck to the wall.

#602: “Mum's the Word”

Marvin Washington: Hey, are you going to eat those mashed potatoes?
Trent DeWhite: No, you can have them.
Marvin Washington: Ready... aim...
Trent DeWhite: No! I can't allow you to launch my mashed potatoes!

#558: “A Glass Darkly”

Marvin Washington: I'm in trouble, but you're toast.
Trent DeWhite: Thanks, Marvin.

#549: “Think on These Things”

Amy Carmichael: I hail from Ireland, but we mustn't let anyone know that. I'm posing as an Indian woman.
Trent DeWhite: Well, you sure don't look Irish.
Amy Carmichael: I dye my skin with teabags.
Trent DeWhite: I thought I smelled chamomile.

#625: “Something Significant”

Trent DeWhite: Wooton, why are you filming up my nostrils?
Marvin Washington: Use the zoom, Wooton!

#559: “The Coolest Dog”

Trent DeWhite: He poured oil on him? What about a crown?
Bernard Walton: Oil first. Crown later.
Trent DeWhite: <muttering> Sounds disgusting.

#541: “Bernard and Saul”

Trent DeWhite: I'll get it!
John Whittaker: Uh, Trent, why are you...
Connie Kendall: Trent's answering the phones now?
John Whittaker: Apparently.

#542: “Eggshells”

Connie Kendall: Your secret's safe with me. It's in the vault.
Trent DeWhite: Good... does anyone know the combination?
Connie Kendall: Trent! I won't tell anybody!

#602: “Mum's the Word”

Trent DeWhite: Wow. I've decided to be an astronaut... or, a janitor!

#580: “Tales of a Small-Town Thug”

Arnold Schwarzenbanger: Even Mr. Arnold has his limitations, Trent! Besides, I was thinking about getting out of the training and trying something different anyway.
Trent DeWhite: You mean like politics?
Arnold Schwarzenbanger: What? I may be musclebound, but I'm not crazy. Ha!

#560: “The Present Long Ago”

Trent DeWhite: I've never buried an invisible dog before.
Connie Kendall: Shh, the service is about to start.
John Whittaker: Dear friends, we're gathered here to bury a faithful dog named Ralph. And although we didn't see much of Ralph, we're really here to support a special friend of ours named Lester. Lester, you've shown us all something about compassion. When God gives us compassion for someone we start to see things through their eyes. So Lester, thank you. Thank you for helping us see Ralph.

#569: “The Invisible Dog”

Trent DeWhite: You mean... you wrote this. You wrote "Jesus Loves Me?"
Anna Warner: Well, I haven't really titled it...
Trent DeWhite: Do you know how many people will hear this song?
Anna Warner: What do you mean?
Trent DeWhite: Kids in churches all over the world will sing it and everyone will know it!

#625: “Something Significant”

Trent DeWhite: Mustard is what's called a "condiment." You find mustard in supermarkets in the mustard aisle, and sometimes you find it on hamburgers. Mustard is yellow, except when it's brown. Here, I have a bottle of each!

#553: “Potential Possibilities”

Trent DeWhite: You know, I've never actually had a Whit's End pizza.
Marvin Washington: Yeah, well, he makes it with an old copy machine.
Trent DeWhite: Heh. I should've asked for extra toner.

#600: “The Nudge”

Trent DeWhite: We don’t wanna be a married couple!
Edwin Blackgaard: You don’t wanna? Oh dear me, how sad! Shakespeare, fetch me my violin.
Walter Shakespeare: Violin, coming up!

#636: “A Class Reenactment”

Liz Horton: That was unbelievable!
Trent DeWhite: Tutor me.
Eugene Meltsner: <wails while running out the door>

#580: “Tales of a Small-Town Thug”

Trent DeWhite: You don't have to be so mean about it.
Liz Horton: You know why I'm mad, Trent? Because I thought we were friends, but you don't even care about what I have to say. And that hurts.
Trent DeWhite: That's not true, I do care about what you have to say.
Liz Horton: Then maybe you should start acting like it!

#610: “Hear Me, Hear Me”

Trent DeWhite: This means we're going to be humiliated beyond repair! This means that I'm going to have to wear a paper bag over my head at school for the next seven years! And my children will have to change their names! And my children's children! And my children's children's pets!

#559: “The Coolest Dog”

John Whittaker: You know, you sound just like Moses.
Trent DeWhite: I'll take that as a compliment.

#599: “Blood, Sweat, and Fears”

Trent DeWhite: Wow. That song had that big of an impact on you?
Amy Carmichael: The love of God had that big of an impact on me. But that song made me realize it.

#625: “Something Significant”

Marvin Washington: Look! The pizza's almost gone. And if that goes, the only option is that mystery casserole the lunch lady cooked up.
Trent DeWhite: This isn't the time to complain about trivial matters! I need to think of a way to get out of the gifted class!
Marvin Washington: How about you stop using phrases like "trivial matters?"

#553: “Potential Possibilities”

Trent DeWhite: Why did he give them a week?
Bernard Walton: Why do people stick gum under the table when there's a trash can right there? How am I supposed to know?

#541: “Bernard and Saul”

Trent DeWhite: Oh really? So, have you ever in your life had to divide up 90 gallons of mayonnaise evenly among three people?

#549: “Think on These Things”

Mandy Straussberg: Trent!
Trent DeWhite: <surprised> Oh! Hi, Mandy! Yeah, um...
Mandy Straussberg: Where are you going with that heart?
Trent DeWhite: Uh, nowhere. <laughs nervously>

#560: “The Present Long Ago”

Trent DeWhite: How long have you been sitting here?
Jared DeWhite: Two sundaes, a milkshake, and a parfait.
Trent DeWhite: You’re kidding!
Jared DeWhite: I wish I was. If she doesn’t do somethin’ soon, I’m gonna have to buy a bigger pair of pants.

#542: “Eggshells”

Trent DeWhite: Couldn’t you just, you know...change the script a little?
Edwin Blackgaard: What?!
Walter Shakespeare: Change Mr. Blackgaard’s script?!

#636: “A Class Reenactment”

Bernard Walton: Finally, the only enemies left were the dreaded Amalekites.
Trent DeWhite: Wait a minute—I thought they already beat them.
Bernard Walton: No, no, those were the dreaded Ammonites.
Trent DeWhite: Oh—oh, right.

#541: “Bernard and Saul”

Marvin Washington: Trent! How do you get pink paint out of underwear?
Trent DeWhite: What?!

#543: “Nothing But the Half Truth”

Trent DeWhite: Jared, a middle school health class that studies pimples and food groups doesn't make you an expert.

#542: “Eggshells”

Trent DeWhite: So let me get this straight—you're gonna leave your old junker bike here... as a surprise gift?
Marvin Washington: It's not a junker, it's a classic.
Trent DeWhite: You're nuts.

#600: “The Nudge”

Trent DeWhite: Connie! You can't tell anyone about this!
Connie Kendall: Well, I wasn't gonna use it for awhile!
Trent DeWhite: You can't use it ever! If people found out about this, I'd have to live in Tijuana until... at least age forty!

#602: “Mum's the Word”

Trent DeWhite: Fine, Marvin—you can just humiliate yourself all alone next weekend! I quit!
Marvin Washington: You can't quit!
Trent DeWhite: See ya! <door closes>
Marvin Washington: He'll be back. <door opens> Oh, you're back!
Trent DeWhite: I forgot my cello.

#559: “The Coolest Dog”

Bernard Walton: Meanwhile, David was on the run as an outlaw and surrounded himself with merry men and stole from the rich and gave to the poor.
Trent DeWhite: He did what?
Bernard Walton: Just seeing if you were paying attention.

#541: “Bernard and Saul”

Connie Kendall: Just imagine that the people listening have the same interests that you do.
Trent DeWhite: That's the nerve-wracking part—other people listening. Critiquing every question I ask... every word I stumble over... laughing every time my voice squeaks! Aw, man... could you hand me a towel? My shirt's soaking through.

#599: “Blood, Sweat, and Fears”

Marvin Washington: Maybe we can give him your bike!
Trent DeWhite: Why?!
Marvin Washington: Why not?
Trent DeWhite: Well, God didn't tell me to!
Marvin Washington: But I can't give him mine! It's a brand-new Stingray 21-speed bike!
Trent DeWhite: Yes—that you won't let anyone else ride, Marvin!

#600: “The Nudge”

Bernard Walton: Well, that wasn't the end of Saul's story, but do you get the point by now?
Trent DeWhite: Yeah! Cut off the bad guy's head when God says to!
Bernard Walton: Exactly, d—no! Try again.
Trent DeWhite: Don't throw spears at harpists?

#541: “Bernard and Saul”