Meltsner quotes

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An automatically created list of quotes by the Meltsner family.
On this page: Eugene | Katrina | Leonard | Everett

Eugene

Dylan Taylor: For a second there, we thought that we were in big trouble.
Eugene Meltsner: Let me assure you both, you are in big trouble!

“The Last Days of Eugene Meltsner”

Dylan Taylor: Eugene, tell me it was all just a bad dream.
Eugene Meltsner: I only wish it were. I've been up all night trying to repair the remote control. It's hopeless!

“Go West Young Man”

Eugene Meltsner: Ah, there. Vest, suit, cufflinks, tie.
Bernard Walton: Let's change out of these tuxes before we die!

#570: “For Better or For Worse, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Are you searching for something?
Jason Whittaker: Uh, yeah, a phone jack. I need to plug in my phone.
Eugene Meltsner: I don't believe this room has one; however, I believe there is a phone down the hall in the office.
Jason Whittaker: Well, I like my phone better. I know that sounds strange, but you know, it fits my ear, and it's, well...nicer, and it's—it's...
Eugene Meltsner: <phone rings> It's ringing.
Jason Whittaker: It's also kinda weird. It does that sometimes.

#291: “A Name, Not a Number, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: My name is Eugene Meltsner, and I'm a science student and, might I add in all modesty, a recognized genius at the Campbell County Community College.

#51: “Connie, Part 1”

Philip Glossman: In this case, I guess you could call me the Governor’s all-around... troubleshooter.
Connie Kendall: Troublemaker, you mean.
Jack Allen: Connie. Have you offered either of these gentlemen anything to drink?
Connie Kendall: No.
Eugene Meltsner: I could come up with something in my chemistry set—for Mr. Glossman, I mean.
Jack Allen: Now children, let's be on our best behavior.

#327: “Moving Targets”

Eugene Meltsner: Dear God: my new Father in heaven; I am uncharacteristically at a loss of words. So please accept my verbal fumblings as I finally respond to Your promptings.

#330: “The Time Has Come”

Rodney Rathbone: He got caught by Blackgaard and Jellyfish and they took him away. I followed 'em and the next thing I know, Maxwell's flyin' out of the car and rollin' down the hill! That's when I left.
Eugene Meltsner: How compassionate of you.

#333: “The Last Resort”

John Whittaker: Really, Eugene, you've been reading too many detective stories.
Eugene Meltsner: I don't read them at all!
John Whittaker: Maybe you should. Then you wouldn't come up with such silly ideas. What are you going to do next, set up bear traps?
Eugene Meltsner: Well, as a matter of fact, I—
John Whittaker: And you, Connie, crawling around like Rambo through the house plants—in camouflage grease-paint!

#113: “Suspicious Minds”

Eugene Meltsner: Few things are more certain to make people search for meaning in their lives than when face-to-face with the meaning of death.

#320: “Where Is Thy Sting?”

Eugene Meltsner: There are times when I'm convinced this is a game he doesn't know the rules for!
Connie Kendall: Eugene, you just ended a sentence with a preposition!
Eugene Meltsner: Impossible! Prepositions are not words that I end sentences with!

#396: “Poor Loser”

Gaspar: My name is Gaspar.
Eugene Meltsner: And I am Eugenius, the thirsty.

#176: “The Star, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: <thinking> Tell, William Tell, the William Tell Overture composed in 1829, tell, toll, bell, For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway, The Importance of Being Earnest, Ernie and Burt, Ernie with the funny voice, Burt with the funny nose, nose, homonym of no's, which is the plural of no. <spoken> No.
Liz Horton: Oo! This is driving me nuts!
Eugene Meltsner: <thinking> Nuts, Hazel, Pecan, Pistachio, Nietzsche.

#441a: “What Do You Think?”

Jason Whittaker: Come on. Operate, you worthless hunk of—<answering machine beeps>
Eugene Meltsner: Good morning, Jason!
Jason Whittaker: Oh, hi Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: Are we having problems with our answering machine again?
Jason Whittaker: What was your first clue?
Eugene Meltsner: The fact that you have it dissected and strewn all over the counter.

#355: “The Search for Whit, Part 1”

Tom Riley: Eugene, it is not an environmental expedition. It's a fishin' trip. A fishin trip.
Eugene Meltsner: But Mr. Riley, I don't see anything wrong with studying the cold-blooded vertebrate in its natural habitat as long as we're already there!

#100: “Ice Fishing”

Eugene Meltsner: I believe enough substantial research has been done to determine that there is indeed a relationship between sensory stimulation and memory enhancement.
Jessie Morales: I love it when you talk like that, Eugene... I don't know what you're saying, but it gives me chills.

#139: “Melanie's Diary”

Hank Murray: I'm gonna hide behind the counter with Brain Boy here.
Eugene Meltsner: That's me.

#169: “Hold Up!”

Eugene Meltsner: Studying, there are few things I appreciate more than an evening burning the midnight oil. Pouring over text after text in search of things I haven't learned or mastered. Alas, such evenings are very rare now.
Melanie Jacobs: Because you're almost finished with college?
Eugene Meltsner: No. Because I know almost everything there is to know.
Melanie Jacobs: <under her breath> Oh, please.

#170: “A Test for Robyn”

Dan Isidro: Whit, I know where Eugene is.
John Whittaker: What? Where?
Dan Isidro: Down there in the arena!
Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Whittaker... HELP!

#171: “The Cross of Cortes, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Begone, O ursine creature! Begone, O forest dweller! Stay away! Get thee hence!

#205: “Flash Flood”

Bernard Walton: Eugene, what are you boring Marsha with now?
Eugene Meltsner: Uh, I don't know. Are you bored, Marsha?
Marsha (b): No, right now I'm frustrated.
Bernard Walton: Ah, then you have been talking to Eugene.

#237: “Deliver Us From Evil”

Eugene Meltsner: You're playing well, Katrina.
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: You're not so bad yourself.

#254: “Truth, Trivia and 'Trina”

Connie Kendall: You're a boy, which naturally means you don't know the first thing about girls. I'm a girl, which—
Eugene Meltsner: Which naturally means that you know everything there is to know about boys and girls!
Connie Kendall: Right!
Eugene Meltsner: What?!

#260: “Naturally, I Assumed...”

Eugene Meltsner: Be forewarned: I am equipped with a very heavy paperweight -- and I am not afraid to use it!

#311: “The Perfect Witness, Part 3”

Jack Allen: Well, I think that went as well as could be expected.
Eugene Meltsner: Would a nervous breakdown be suitable at this time?

#335: “Love is in the Air, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Are you saying I'm paranoid, Mr. Whittaker? I suppose you've talked to other people about this?

#363: “The Right Choice, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: I can't believe my auricular cavities!

#365: “Clara”

Eugene Meltsner: I am not muddled! Things have never been more clear... uh, clearer.

#366: “Solitary Refinement”

Eugene Meltsner: Oh, Mr. Holstein, you've already done more than enough.
Fred Holstein: Anyone can make sausages.
Connie Kendall: Not like this they can't.

#373: “For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: Based on my observational skills, I would have to say that we are... on a road in the middle of nowhere.
Mandy Straussberg: I can see that.

#392: “When In Doubt...Pray!”

Isaac Morton: What happened?
Eugene Meltsner: Well, the sequence of events occurred with extreme epiphyte. But I shall attempt to recall them. I was powering my two wheeler along this pathway when your personage suddenly appeared directly in front of me blocking my course. My reflexes immediately sprang to life in an attempt to navigate an evasive maneuver around you while still maintaining course and speed but I evidently overcompensated and my shin careened off the hardened path and upended us both in this shrub.

#116: “Isaac the Benevolent”

Connie Kendall: You really have SIX separate boxes for vests?
Eugene Meltsner: They are sorted!
Connie Kendall: By what? Color, texture...
Eugene Meltsner: Occasion! One must wear a vest to fit the event!!! A sub-par vest simply wouldn't do at a formal event!!!

#567: “Two Friends and a Truck”

Connie Kendall: ...Oh, and Doris Rathbone wants a pedicure.
Eugene Meltsner: Ew!

#577: “The Business of Busyness”

Eugene Meltsner: I'm still wondering why your team seemed to be so baffled by the opposing pitcher's curve ball. Solving it was a matter of simple physics.
John Whittaker: Eugene, they don't allow calculators in the batter's box.

#578: “All-Star Witness”

Eugene Meltsner: Well, this'll be our little secret... but I do have to tell someone.
Connie Kendall: Eugene!
Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Whittaker! You'll never guess...

#583: “The Champ of the Camp”

Connie Kendall: Eugene, when you're working on stuff like this, do you ever get stuck?
Eugene Meltsner: Barring the time in Montana when I was a child and my head was wedged between two fence rails, I must say no.

#593: “Around the Block”

Eugene Meltsner: You're a homeless person with a brand new car?
Leonard Meltsner: It's a rental. I might have to make a quick exit.

#596: “Cover of Darkness”

Eugene Meltsner: I'm very fond of throwing out clichés when they involve people other than myself, you know...

#599: “Blood, Sweat, and Fears”

John Whittaker: Now, that doesn't sound so unimaginable to me, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: W-what do you mean?
John Whittaker: A Meltsner being obstinate on matters of faith?
Eugene Meltsner: Ah... oh, I see.
John Whittaker: Keep working on him, Eugene.

#619: “A New Era, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: In a certain era, there lived a trio of swine who struggled to construct protective domiciles from the imminent attack of the malevolent Canis lupus.

#298: “I Want My B-TV!”

Camilla Parker: Hi Eugene!
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, greetings Miss Parker!
Camilla Parker: Camilla. What are you doing?
Eugene Meltsner: Doing?
Camilla Parker: You're just standing there in the middle of the park!
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, on the contrary! I'm not merely standing here: I'm basking in the glory of an exquisite day!

#660: “For the Birds”

Olivia Parker: <slowly> You want me to practice for 18 hours?
Eugene Meltsner: Well, not all of it, you may sleep for 8 of those hours.

#663: “Finish What You...”

Matthew Parker: Parking fine?
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, a complete misunderstanding regarding my bicycle.
Matthew Parker: Uh-huh. Cause and effect, right?

#667: “The Mystery of the Clock Tower, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Just take a deep breath, Eugene. Aah, there's nothing like the smell of a new pick up truck. It's heaven.
Eugene Meltsner: Smells more like artificially-induced pine scent and upholstery cleaner.

#278: “The Fifth House on the Left, Part 1”

Connie Kendall: Hot dog, Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: Surely you jest! Uh, hold the mustard.

#439: “B-TV: Grace”

Eugene Meltsner: He eats people and their multi million dollar contracts for lunch, and then uses someone like me as a tooth pick!
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Huh?
Eugene Meltsner: I am not your father!

#407: “Malachi's Message, Part 2”

Jared DeWhite: Wait a second. We're doing all this work for peas?
Eugene Meltsner: Precisely. You will soon enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Dwayne Oswald: Isn't that more like the vegetables of your labor?

#414: “Buried Sin”

Nathaniel Graham: Can't we continue our debate like two adults?
Eugene Meltsner: We could, but we're one adult short.
Nathaniel Graham: How droll.

#416: “The Tower”

Eugene Meltsner: There's no problem in particular, Mr. Whittaker—except I no longer have the confidence to know how to proceed. Is this the right thing for us to do? Would I make a good husband? Is there someone out there who may be better for either of us?
Connie Kendall: Well, knowing you both, I'd say the answer is no. <muttering> Unless we're surprised by visitors from another planet.

#374: “For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll, Part 3”

Eugene Meltsner: The Noah's ark display. Tiny the elephant's trunk just moved. To borrow from the police vernacular, I think I have my man.

#304: “St. Paul: The Man from Tarsus”

Eugene Meltsner: I have it now. I'm all prepared. Compassion is a sympathetic consciousness of others distress together with a desire to alleviate it.
Bernard Walton: Meaning?
Eugene Meltsner: Feeling sorry for someone.

#345: “B-TV: Compassion”

Bernard Walton: It's been my experience that experience for the sake of experience usually isn't a very good experience at all.
Eugene Meltsner: I beg your pardon?

#274: “First Hand Experience”

Bernard Walton: I'm thinking of a, uh, thing. You have twenty questions to guess what it is.
Eugene Meltsner: Is it corn?
Bernard Walton: <beat> I don't wanna play anymore.

#275: “Second Thoughts”

Eugene Meltsner: Perhaps gophers are like humans. They enjoy something challenging to sink their teeth into.
Katrina Shanks: Just so they don't bite off more than they can chew.

#283: “A Book by Its Cover”

Eugene Meltsner: But how could you believe for so long without proof? Without evidence to support your theory?
Hezekiah: Theory? You are still speaking with your mind, Eugenius! What I believe is found in the place where the mind and the heart unite.
Eugene Meltsner: And where is that?
Hezekiah: Faith.

#136: “Back to Bethlehem, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: Journal entry. My trip to Africa changed my life forever.

#574: “Prisoners of Fear, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: I've gotta tell Katrina! If I dare say the words, my parents may still be alive!
Aman: I will give you supplies.
Eugene Meltsner: Good.
Aman: But you won't need them. You're journey will end at the river. And so will your lives.

#575: “Prisoners of Fear, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: That's the difference between our Gods Yosef. Mine is a God of hope and freedom. And my God could find a thimble in the middle of an African jungle. Finding a man is mere child's play.
Yosef: If your God is as determined as you are, I'm sure He could. But if He's that strong, He can also bring your father to you.

#576: “Prisoners of Fear, Part 3”

Eugene Meltsner: What's wrong? You're all looking at me as if I've grown a third nostril.
Connie Kendall: See?
Eugene Meltsner: See what? Have I grown a third nostril?

#393: “Wrapped Around Your Finger”

Eugene Meltsner: Mabel, please load program—Connie, what are you doing in here?
Mabel: Please repeat command. I do not have a program called "Connie, what are you doing in here?”

#73: “A Bite of Applesauce”

Eugene Meltsner: Perhaps I need to do something different, something abnormal. At least for me.
Connie Kendall: Like what?
Eugene Meltsner: I think... I’ll grow a mustache.

#323: “A Little Credit, Please”

Eugene Meltsner: I'm only speaking from my heart.
Connie Kendall: I had no idea your heart wasn't as smart as your brain.

#712: “Child's Play”

Eugene Meltsner: Matthew, think it through. What would happen if the button is not properly programmed, and I simply pushed like this, and we discovered it would wreak havoc in the entire system?

#726: “Push the Red Button”

John Whittaker: We're at the keypad, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: Roger.
John Whittaker: Uh, since when do you say the word "roger"?
Eugene Meltsner: Since Jason objected to my using the word "confirmatory."

#613: “The Top Floor, Part 3”

Connie Kendall: You're the fourth wise man?
Eugene Meltsner: Indeed. Fitting company, ey?
Connie Kendall: Oh, brother.

#177: “The Star, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: Greetings, fellow scholars and intellectual adventurers!
Max Hampton: Oh, no.
Eugene Meltsner: Due to Ms. Grapple's unfortunate bout with influenza, I, Eugene Meltsner, am offering my services as your very own...substitute teacher!

#569: “The Invisible Dog”

Eugene Meltsner: I felt... chosen.

#606: “The Chosen One, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: This is rather embarrassing to admit Mr. Whittaker, but <whispering> I don't have a driver's license.
John Whittaker: You don't have a driver's license?!
Eugene Meltsner: Please Mr. Whittaker lower your vocal amplification! This is not information I wish to share with the world at large.

#193: “A Tongue of Fire”

Katrina Meltsner: You called someone who almost has your dad's last name?
Eugene Meltsner: Am I smelling like desperation to you?
Katrina Meltsner: Either that or you need to take out the garbage.

#584: “Dead Ends”

Eugene Meltsner: They're both in your office.

#594: “A Time for Action, Part 1”

John Whittaker: According to an exclusive interview, Eugene Meltsner said "Our most newest imagination station program here at Whit's End contains graphic violence? Oh Eugene-
Eugene Meltsner: Indeed as if I'd ever use the double superlative 'most newest'!

#431b: “The Virtual Kid”

Connie Kendall: Congratulations! Why didn't you tell anybody?
Eugene Meltsner: I told Mr. Whittaker.
Connie Kendall: Fine! Of course! I'm always the last to know.

#406: “Malachi's Message, Part 1”

Connie Kendall: I have all the time I need to do the things I have to do. In fact the only thing wasting my time right now is Y-O-U. So if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
Eugene Meltsner: Y-O-U?
Connie Kendall: YOU, EUGENE!!

#199: “The 'No' Factor”

Richard Maxwell: Nice kid.
Eugene Meltsner: Yes, she is, and we'd like her to stay that way!

#77: “The Nemesis, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Matthew, think it through. What would happen if the button is not properly programmed, and I simply pushed like this, <pushes button> and we discovered it would wreck havoc in the entire system?

#???: “Push the Red Button (Live)”

Eugene Meltsner: Jay, perhaps you should sit down.
Jay Smouse: The only one sitting around here is him [Buck] when they drop him into the electric chair for being a counterfeiter!
Eugene Meltsner: Counterfeiters don't go to the electric chair, Jay.
Jay Smouse: Well, they should be made to sit in some kind of chair, in a corner, for like a reeeeally long time.

#686: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 8”

Eugene Meltsner: Who, pray tell, is Maya?
Wooton Bassett: She's part of the great airplane-romance-medical-mystery story!

#738: “The Pilot, Part 2”

Connie Kendall: Why do I get the feeling that there are things going on that I don't know about?
Eugene Meltsner: Perhaps because there are things that are going on that you don't know about.
Connie Kendall: That helps.

#724: “Home Again, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Butter churning?
Mrs. Kramer: Well, you have to own your own cow.

#706: “To Mend or Repair”

Eugene Meltsner: Egghead, would you please define “intelligence”.
Egghead: Intelligence is the superior ability to acquire and apply knowledge. Notable people of intelligence include Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Plato, and Eugene Meltsner.
Connie Kendall: Oh, brother.
Eugene Meltsner: I didn’t program that! It’s informed through an artificial intelligence program!
Wooton Bassett: Someone once told me that I had artificial intelligence.

#739: “The Launch, Part 1”

Connie Kendall: Mega mega mega World... ride the rides and then you'll hurl!
Eugene Meltsner: Ms. Kendall, Ms. Kendall! Are you well? It sounded as though you were choking!

#448: “Mandy's Debut”

Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Whittaker and I are having a theological discussion about God's search for man.

#404: “Hide and Seek”

Red Hollard: Sorry, did you say Alvin York?
Eugene Meltsner: Yes!
Red Hollard: Seriously?
Eugene Meltsner: Yes!
Red Hollard: He is one of my personal heroes.
Eugene Meltsner: And no doubt, we should discuss that some other time.

#708: “Sergeant York, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Well, it looks like the Meltsner men have straddled their horses again.
Jason Whittaker: You mean they're back in the saddle?
Eugene Meltsner: Isn't that what I said?

#611: “The Top Floor, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: So what are you suggesting, Jason?
Jason Whittaker: Eugene, what do you think? Today the cleaning staff just hired three new janitors!
Eugene Meltsner: They did? So you're suggesting that we find them and maybe they can get us into Dalton's floor?
Jason Whittaker: Eugene, I mean that we're cleaning the place!
Eugene Meltsner: Oh. Spy lingo, cleaning. Ten-four.

#612: “The Top Floor, Part 2”

Jack Allen: You met your friend's father and it didn't go very well. It happens. You'll probably never see him again anyways, so just shrug and go on.
Eugene Meltsner: Just shrug and go on! You jest, Mr. Allen! How can I simply circulate my shoulders and return to everyday activities when the father of the woman I—
Jack Allen: Yes, you were about to say?
Eugene Meltsner: I was about to say "the woman I—" ...Mr. Allen.
Jack Allen: You love her.
Eugene Meltsner: Indeed.

#322: “The Turning Point”

Bernard Walton: I know. We'll do what the pioneers did when they traveled across the frontier.
Eugene Meltsner: Shoot bears?
Bernard Walton: No, tell stories.

#277: “It Happened at Four Corners”

Connie Kendall: Sometimes you make a lot of sense, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: Sometimes???

#62: “Let This Mind Be in You”

Jack Allen: Would you like to lead us in prayer, Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: Delighted. Dearest Elohim: We know that you were with the army of Jehoshaphat in 2nd Chronicles 20: 1 and following, and when he prepared his army to battle the Ammonites, which were of a great multitude, you told them not to fear; and though the Hebrew is slightly ambiguous in a few of the verses in this passage, we know you tell us the same. And we remember this today when we battle the Ammonites of anxiety, the Jebusites of injustice, the Perizzites of pride and yea, the Syrians of sinfulness. Glorious Yahweh, we see in Paul’s letter to the Thessalonians how he uses eschatological references as the basis for hope that determines the nature of daily life, and in a sense, we should do the same. And we ask these things in the name of our precious Redeemer and Savior, Jesu Christe, Emmanu-el, i.e. “God with us.” Amen.
Jack Allen: O-kayyyy... I guess that qualifies as a blessing.

#339: “Do, For a Change”

Jay Smouse: Hey, where you going?
Buck Oliver: I have an errand to run.
Jay Smouse: Oh no you don't! Stay right where you are or I'll fire!!
Buck Oliver: That's an ice cream scoop.
Jay Smouse: Yeah, it is. And I know how to use it!
John Whittaker: Oh, hello Buck.
Eugene Meltsner: Someone apprehend that youth!
Buck Oliver: Sorry Mr. Whittaker, things are a little crazy around here. Now I really need to go.
John Whittaker: I don't think so.

#687: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 9”

Don Polehaus: And the old cassette player?
Eugene Meltsner: I unearthed it from Mr. Whittaker's archives. When I push the button... <pushes it>
Unknown: ...Share the gospel before it's too late, and the best way to do it is communicate!
Don Polehaus: <overlapping> You’ll wanna change that.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, perhaps so.

#781: “Out of the Woods”

Eugene Meltsner: (Laughing) You really expect me to believe that... MISS KENDALL would be interested in performing in a... PAGEANT? (laughs) Of all people...
Connie Kendall: Eugene, I'm serious about this.
Eugene Meltsner: (Stops mid-laugh, very serious) Oh. Of course. Well I think... you would be a... fine Miss Odyssey, Miss... Kendall. (Ahem)

#790: “Walk This Way”

Eugene Meltsner: Perhaps you could've been of some help around here, had you not allowed certain elements to infect you with such wild and senseless paranoia.
Dylan Taylor: A pair of what?

“A Stranger Among Us”

Connie Kendall: Eugene, the last time I cried, you explained to me the anatomy of tear ducts.
Eugene Meltsner: And that wasn't helpful?

#807: “Connie the Counselor”

John Whittaker: Hey—instead of taking the bus, let's walk back to Whit's End. Whaddya say?
Eugene Meltsner: Are you sure, Mr. Whittaker? That's quite a distance for a man of your—
John Whittaker: Uh, careful, careful.
Eugene Meltsner: Uh... social position.

#83: “The Battle, Part 1”

Leonard Meltsner: You don't... need to search anymore.
Eugene Meltsner: What do you mean?
Leonard Meltsner: I'm your father. I'm Leonard Meltsner!

#595: “A Time for Action, Part 2”

John Whittaker: Ok, how big should we make this (drop box)?
Eugene Meltsner: Well, the average length of a newborn infant is 52 centimeters.
Rhee Jung Won: How do you know that?
Eugene Meltsner: Doesn't everybody?

#749: “The Drop Box”

John Whittaker: Ahh, the fresh ocean air. It brings me back to my Navy days!
Eugene Meltsner: The salty aroma does make one crave rest and relaxation, perhaps even escape.

#849: “Out to Sea”

Eugene Meltsner: While it's true that there will be people in your life who don't deserve your trust, if you keep everyone at a distance you'll never trust anyone. And there are people who do deserve your trust.

#876: “Page from the Playbook”

Emily Jones: That's not the only thing, Eugene. You have to see what's inside this backpack.
Eugene Meltsner: Now this isn't a trick I hope. I wouldn't want to be surprised by a spring loaded snake or a collection of badly played banjo music.
Emily Jones: No, it's full of money. A lot of money.
Eugene Meltsner: Allow me. Loudly exclaimed euphemisms escape me! This is... This is a lot of money!

#679: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Your choices have left you somewhat... maladroit.
Connie Kendall: What?! What did you call me?
Charles Thompson: Uh oh!
Henry Thomas: What did he call her?
Charles Thompson: I think he called her a malatroid.

#265: “War of the Words”

Eugene Meltsner: I believe that... I'm in love with Katrina.

#266: “It Began with a Rabbit's Foot”

John Whittaker: I suppose things could be worse.
Jay Smouse: Oh, yeah? Like how? <static electricity sounds>
Wooton Bassett: Uh, oh! What was that?
John Whittaker: Uh, well, the power could go off.
Jay Smouse: Yep, that would be worse alright.
John Whittaker: Don't worry, the, uh, generator should kick in any minute.
Eugene Meltsner: Uh, you mean the generator I've been trying to fix?

#675: “A Thankstaking Story”

Eugene Meltsner: Assistance!
Jason Whittaker: Eugene, that's heavy! Why didn't you ask for help?
Eugene Meltsner: I believe I just did!

#331: “Checkmate”

Eugene Meltsner: My pilgrimage will be to—there!
Bernard Walton: That's the sign for the women's room.
Eugene Meltsner: Oops! I'll try again.

#274: “First Hand Experience”

Eugene Meltsner: Ah, you smell that Mr. Walton? The smells of juries past coming into this very room to participate in the American judicial system.
Bernard Walton: I think you're confusing justice with floor wax.

#354: “Blind Justice”

Eugene Meltsner: To borrow the colloquialism, I am without perspiration.
Bernard Walton: Huh?
Eugene Meltsner: No sweat.

#178: “Room Mates”

Eugene Meltsner: Well, it was well written... though conquer isn't spelled with a K... Come to think of it, neither is obstacle.

#139: “Melanie's Diary”

Hank Murray: Boy, you two were made for each other!
Eugene Meltsner: We're just friends, actually.
Connie Kendall: Barely.

#169: “Hold Up!”

Eugene Meltsner: You'll have to pardon my momentary lack of comprehension, but what in the world are you talking about?!

#170: “A Test for Robyn”

Eugene Meltsner: I'm much better with French and Greek.

#171: “The Cross of Cortes, Part 1”

Maria Mendosa: And now, mi corazón, you will give them both to me.
Eugene Meltsner: Maria, th-that's a gun!

#172: “The Cross of Cortes, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: I'm talking about an irresponsible advantage of power.
Connie Kendall: Whoa ho, I get it! It's okay for you to be Mr. Brainiac and lord your knowledge over the rest of us, but you get real uptight when someone knows something you don't, huh, Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: Miss Kendall, there is nothing you know that I do not!
Connie Kendall: Except maybe how to drive?

#194: “A License to Drive”

Eugene Meltsner: Do you think he's trying a Humphrey Bogart image?
John Whittaker: Not with a coon-skin cap!

#196: “Harlow Doyle, Private Eye”

Eugene Meltsner: Everybody freeze! To borrow the colloquialism.

#198: “Treasure Hunt”

Eugene Meltsner: Yes, it is a nice scent, isn't it? Perfect for those pressing social engagements... like jail!

#255: “The Boy Who Cried 'Destructo!'”

Eugene Meltsner: I want you to know that there is absolutely nothing between Connie and myself... other than a basic, sometimes-adversarial friendship!
Connie Kendall: Yeah!
Eugene Meltsner: There can't be! I've been waiting for you and she has a crush on Jason! Honest! It was as innocent as... it... could be. Oops.
Jack Allen: <pats Eugene on the back> Nicely done, Eugene.
Connie Kendall: I never said I had a crush on Jason! I don't know where you get this stuff! The idea of a crush never even... I mean... THANKS A LOT, EUGENE!!

#335: “Love is in the Air, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: In the lay vernacular, what's the big deal Isaac? You just be nice to people.
Isaac Morton: That's what Lucy said. But is being nice really all there is to it? And are you supposed to be nice to everybody or just those who are nice to you? And are you supposed to be nice to them so they'll be nice to you later? or are you supposed to wait until they're nice to you and do something back nice to them? Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, sorry, Isaac. For the first time in my life, I understand what it means to not comprehend something...

#116: “Isaac the Benevolent”

Tamika Washington: But you're not a lawyer!
Eugene Meltsner: Well, heh heh, not in the "professional" sense, of course but... but I took a civil law class during my time at college, and since then, I've continued to study law books for light bedtime reading.

#578: “All-Star Witness”

Connie Kendall: Someone even threw a doughnut at me, cream-filled!
Eugene Meltsner: Have you had a mechanic examine it? I mean, not the doughnut, but the vehicle?

#581: “A Christmas Conundrum”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Oh, you're back!
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, did I go somewhere?

#620: “A New Era, Part 2”

Connie Kendall: I’m trying to describe how I feel.
Eugene Meltsner: Has that ever been a problem for you before?!

#656: “The Inspiration Station, Part 2”

Matthew Parker: Those were a lot of stairs.
Eugene Meltsner: Thirty-nine to be precise.
Alicia Jennings: And as you can hear, the clock has reset itself to 11:45.
Matthew Parker: Rats!

#667: “The Mystery of the Clock Tower, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: But Mr. Walton, are you or are you not familiar with the popular proverb, there's no such thing as a free lunch?
Bernard Walton: Yes, I think I've heard that somewhere before.
Eugene Meltsner: As a student of economics and a B-TV program consultant, I feel compelled to raise an unavoidable question. Who exactly is underwriting this frivolous media bash?
Connie Kendall: Translated, "Who's paying for all this?".

#439: “B-TV: Grace”

Jack Allen: You don't think they'd try to solve this mystery on their own do you?
Eugene Meltsner: Hmmm. Two boys, one with hyper imagination.
Jack Allen: Eugene we have to find those boys. If the man they're looking for is still alive and they find him, who knows what he'll do to them?

#414: “Buried Sin”

Bernard Walton: Eugene, you are unbelievable.
Eugene Meltsner: Ah, I believe I am entirely based within the realm of plausibility.
Bernard Walton: But no one does a survey to decide who they're going to marry!

#374: “For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll, Part 3”

Eugene Meltsner: Greetings and felicitations of the season.
Tom Riley: I figured as much.

#54: “Peace on Earth”

Eugene Meltsner: This is curious.
John Whittaker: What is it?
Eugene Meltsner: It looks like a thistle bush, but I've never thought of a thistle bush as a sign of suffering—unless you fall into one.

#357: “The Search for Whit, Part 3”

Eugene Meltsner: Oh, is that Woody over there? He certainly is an attractive animal. A large attractive animal.
Graham Barnett: It's a pig. Pigs are ugly.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, perhaps not to another pig.

#275: “Second Thoughts”

Bernard Walton: That's one of the best things about Odyssey. Whit's End is always the same.
Eugene Meltsner: Indeed.

#280: “Gone...”

Connie Kendall: You're playing a word game, Eugene? I thought you hated puns?
Eugene Meltsner: In their proper place, puns can be a helpful mental exercise.

#283: “A Book by Its Cover”

Eugene Meltsner: I wouldn't want to ruin Miss Kendall's reputation for punctuality.

#441a: “What Do You Think?”

Eugene Meltsner: The station's alarm went off, so we knew something was amiss.
John Whittaker: What happened?
Connie Kendall: I'll tell you what happened. Blackgaard was in there!

#424: “Blackgaard's Revenge, Part 1”

Roy Blaysig: Nothing to it. Just clear the plane and pull on this...cord. Hang on; that one's busted. You woulda dropped like a rock.
Eugene Meltsner: Oh yes, how unfortunate that would have been.

#574: “Prisoners of Fear, Part 1”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: You don't believe in hunches Eugene! If it's not provable by hard numbers you're not persuaded.
Eugene Meltsner: True. But if I've learned anything between the realm of science and belief. It's that sometimes you must walk by faith and not by sight. Something deep inside me tells me we should go upstream.
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: I'm right behind you.

#575: “Prisoners of Fear, Part 2”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Eugene, Connie thinks a kiss hello would be appropriate behavior.
Eugene Meltsner: Connie wants me to kiss her hello?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: No, me.
Eugene Meltsner: She wants you to kiss her hello?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: No, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: We should all kiss hello? One big, sloppy smooch fest?
Bernard Walton: Well, when you put it like that...

#393: “Wrapped Around Your Finger”

Matthew Parker: Why do I smell fish?
Eugene Meltsner: I was working on a new milkshake that combines the omega3 benefits of fish oil with various fruity substances.
Matthew Parker: Yeah, well..
Eugene Meltsner: The fishy aroma is overwhelming the fruity sweetness?

#699: “Emily the Genius”

Eugene Meltsner: It was already impossible to finish the Edu-link on time. And now it's even impossibler.
Connie Kendall: Eugene, you just used the word "impossibler!"
Eugene Meltsner: It's a neologism.

#589: “The Impossible”

Simeon (b): Do not grieve for him, Connie. He found the peace and hope you and I know.
Eugene Meltsner: Even though it means death?
Simeon (b): My son, he found a reason to live that was worth dying for.

#177: “The Star, Part 2”

Katrina Meltsner: Oh, I don't think you know what normal is. I am going to start camping out in the backyard if that toaster reprimands me one more time.
Eugene Meltsner: Now actually Katrina, the toaster has been quite polite.
Katrina Meltsner: I think I have been quite polite! Do you hear what that coffeemaker is saying to me?!

#573: “Back to Abnormal”

Gary Burkhead: It's about time you got here. I've been...oh. You're not the police.
Eugene Meltsner: No, uh, sorry.
Jason Whittaker: Looks like you had a little accident here. What happened? Mix the wrong chemicals in your chemistry set?
Gary Burkhead: Call the police and get a stand up comedian. Who are you?

#355: “The Search for Whit, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: That doesn't make any sense! My father just happened to send out a request that happened to come to his own son? How could there be such a coincidence?
John Whittaker: I never said it was a coincidence.
Eugene Meltsner: Yes, I know you don't believe in them. But—but this is too complicated to think about otherwise.

#584: “Dead Ends”

Eugene Meltsner: This can't be happening!
John Whittaker: I'm afraid it's true, Eugene. Connie has quit!

#381: “The One About Trust, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: Do you understand what life would be like without amoebae?
Connie Kendall: Do you understand what life would be like without pants?
Eugene Meltsner: <beat> Hmm.

#610: “Hear Me, Hear Me”

Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Whittaker, I have what some might call a hunch.
John Whittaker: What is it?
Eugene Meltsner: It's an colloquial term, it means an intuitive feeling or premonition.
John Whittaker: I meant, what is your hunch?

#594: “A Time for Action, Part 1”

Connie Kendall: It's not that bad, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: Precisely what they told General Custer on the ride to Little Bighorn. It's bad enough! It hit a tree, a taillight's broken! How could this have happened? I'm sure I set the parking brake!
John Whittaker: ...Oh, boy.
Eugene Meltsner: "Oh boy," Mr. Whittaker? There's sub-text in that phrase, I'm certain of it!
John Whittaker: Well, the parking brake doesn't work. That's one of the quirks. You have to leave it in gear to keep it from rolling.

#567: “Two Friends and a Truck”

Eugene Meltsner: I have this awful feeling in the cavity of my gastrointestinal region.
John Whittaker: Uh, you mean the pit of your stomach?
Eugene Meltsner: Precisely—it's the feeling that I let my students down. And the worst part is, I'm not exactly sure what I did wrong!

#569: “The Invisible Dog”

Lucy Cunningham-Schultz: Eugene, do you know him?
Richard Maxwell: Know me? We used to work together, ain't that right, Multsey baby?
Eugene Meltsner: We were briefly employed with the same organization.

#77: “The Nemesis, Part 1”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Even though you're obviously jealous...
Eugene Meltsner: I am not jealous!
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: And in denial...
Eugene Meltsner: I am not in denial!

#363: “The Right Choice, Part 2”

Red Hollard: Boy, I'll tell you them boys were as nervous as a goose in a pillow factory.
Eugene Meltsner: Huh?

#710: “Sergeant York, Part 3”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: There's plenty to be said for getting out of a routine, too, though. The joy of spontaneity!
Eugene Meltsner: Absolutely. Why? Are you bored with me?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Never. I just had a conversation with Connie about keeping the romance in a relationship.
Eugene Meltsner: Ah, Miss Kendall. Of course. She searches for romance in a bag of trail mix.

#731: “More Than a Feeling”

Eugene Meltsner: Yee-hah! To borrow the old west colloquialism.

“Go West Young Man”

Eugene Meltsner: Book Club?
Mrs. Kramer: Boring!
Eugene Meltsner: Well, is it fiction or non-fiction?
Mrs. Kramer: Well, the books are fiction; the boredom is very non-fiction.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, none the less, I'd like to sign up for that...is there a form?
Mrs. Kramer: Well, I can't talk you out of it?
Eugene Meltsner: No.
Mrs. Kramer: Fill this out.
Eugene Meltsner: Part of your job here at the library is encouraging community involvement?
Mrs. Kramer: Right! Absolutely.
Eugene Meltsner: That raise should be right around the proverbial corner.

#706: “To Mend or Repair”

Connie Kendall: Maybe we should wait until I fix a few things [on the video]
Wooton Bassett: Oh! We can ask for changes? Sweet! I love doing that! Can you redo everything in a sepia tone?
Connie Kendall: You haven't even seen it yet!
Wooton Bassett: I love sepia.
Connie Kendall: See? This is an example of having too many cooks in the kitchen!
Eugene Meltsner: Since we're all here now, perhaps I might demonstrate a new invention for you?
Wooton Bassett: Ooh! Is it sepia tone?

#739: “The Launch, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Well, paint me red all over and send me to a four-alarm fire sirens blazing! Whit's getting married! Another one joins the ranks.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, actually, Mr. Walton, we're still very unsure of our facts and therefore feel it prudent to forgo any declarative stance until either the existing data can be thoroughly analyzed or we receive further, more conclusive proof in this matter, in my opinion.
Bernard Walton: I bet people have nightmares about you.

#112: “Curious, Isn't It?”

Red Hollard: He was as ornery as a wet boot on a swollen foot.
Eugene Meltsner: Huh?

#708: “Sergeant York, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: How old are you, Nicholas?
Nicholas Adamsworth: Eleven years, three months, 2 days, ten hours and 54 minutes old, not counting daylight savings.

#76: “Eugene's Dilemma”

Eugene Meltsner: So you're saying the process of my finding you was all simple chance?
Leonard Meltsner: You were very lucky.
Eugene Meltsner: I'm sorry Dad, but to believe in that kind of luck takes much more faith than to simply believe that God arrange it all.

#611: “The Top Floor, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: This is it. This is it! An actual river of gold nuggets. It's even more beautiful than the old man said. I'm rich rich! I'm actually rich!
Eugene Meltsner: Actually, I'm rich!

#277: “It Happened at Four Corners”

Eugene Meltsner: First question: If a train leaves the depot at 3 o'clock, traveling south at 6 miles per hour against a north-westerly wind of 30 miles per hour, and has only 65% of its weight capacity on board, what color would you paint the train?
Connie Kendall: What color would... Is that really what it wants to know?
Eugene Meltsner: Indeed.

#351: “What Are You Gonna Do with Your Life?”

Eugene Meltsner: In the envelope to your left is some information that may prove useful to you.
John Avery Whittaker: Oh?
Eugene Meltsner: But you can only look at it if you provide Detective Polehaus with two jam donuts and a cauldron of coffee.
John Avery Whittaker: He needs to deputize me?

#763: “The Ties That Bind, Part 13”

Eugene Meltsner: Welcome to Whit's End. Uh, Mr. Kendall?
Bill Kendall: Uh, Eugene, right?
Eugene Meltsner: Yes. You certainly got to Odyssey in good time.
Bill Kendall: Four hours and thirty-seven minutes from my door to this one.
Eugene Meltsner: Remarkable that you were able to secure a commercial flight on such short notice.
Bill Kendall: I wasn't on a commercial flight. I used my company jet.

#734: “Life Expectancy, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Did you book them?
Bernard Walton: Of course I did! It was my one and only job; I took it very seriously! Tom, did you book the band?

#570: “For Better or For Worse, Part 1”

Bart Rathbone: Our grand opening is in three weeks. Turn around and show 'em, Rodney.
Rodney Rathbone: Okay.
Eugene Meltsner: Opens in three "weks?"
Bart Rathbone: Uh, that's supposed to be three weeks. Rodney!
Rodney Rathbone: They got the point!

#160: “A Rathbone of Contention”

Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Walton, you're a genius!
Bernard Walton: Well, thanks, Eugene. It's about time you noticed.

#334: “The Final Conflict”

John Whittaker: But you also need to know that all your studying may fail you when it comes to understanding God, His ways and the salvation he offers us.
Eugene Meltsner: Fail me?
John Whittaker: The Apostle Paul wrote in his first letter to Corinth that God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish, for it was after the world in its wisdom had failed to know God that He in His wisdom chose to save all who would believe by the simple-mindedness of the gospel message.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, that certainly would explain some of the things that don't seem to make sense.
John Whittaker: You see, Eugene, our minds can only grasp so much about the nature of God, of eternity.
Eugene Meltsner: Mm-hmm.
John Whittaker: After that, it’s a matter of the spirit—our spirit links up with His in an eternal relationship that gives us the right perspective to understand Him better.

#232: “Thy Kingdom Come”

Eugene Meltsner: ...she was suddenly and mysteriously drawn to the metal blinds in the library!

#605: “The Chosen One, Part 1”

Emily Jones: Wow! A whole backpack of fake money? But it looks so real!
Eugene Meltsner: Well, a lie is supposed to look as much like the truth as possible. And these counterfeiters certainly know what they're doing.

#680: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: Well, it's against my better judgement...
Connie Kendall: As is that shirt-and-vest combo.

#807: “Connie the Counselor”

Eugene Meltsner: It must still have some loose connections...
Bernard Walton: Then you two have a lot in common.
Eugene Meltsner: Thank you!

#237: “Deliver Us From Evil”

Eugene Meltsner: If you don't do what God says, you, too, will be "achin'."
Unknown : <Groans>
Eugene Meltsner: Sorry.

“What Were They Thinking?: Achan”

Connie Kendall: Can I help you with something?
Eugene Meltsner: Basic motor skills, perhaps?

#208: “Pipe Dreams”

Connie Kendall: So I guess it's true what they say: you're just not human.
Eugene Meltsner: Nor do I aspire to be.

#593: “Around the Block”

Gas Station Attendant: Pump number four, you're ready. Let me know if you need anything.
Eugene Meltsner: <under his breath> You could start by lowering your prices.
Gas Station Attendant: Excuse me?
Eugene Meltsner: Uh, nothing! Just lamenting the energy crisis!

#596: “Cover of Darkness”

Eugene Meltsner: Peace and quiet?
Katrina Meltsner: We've never had much of that!

#621: “A New Era, Part 3”

Eugene Meltsner: Oh, Mr. Walton. I hadn't noticed your presence.
Bernard Walton: What presents? I don't have any presents, just a bucket! I wish he'd clean his glasses.

#157: “Last in a Long Line”

Eugene Meltsner: Please don't take offense.
John Whittaker: Oh, I won't. Unless you're going to criticize my mustache.

#266: “It Began with a Rabbit's Foot”

Jason Whittaker: I have a device that will access data though an infrared port and transfer it to a receiver by high frequency radio waves.
Eugene Meltsner: Indeed! May I ask how you acquired such a device?
Jason Whittaker: No, you may not.
Eugene Meltsner: Oh.
Jason Whittaker: Let's just say I'm... very well connected.

#333: “The Last Resort”

Eugene Meltsner: Owners of pickup trucks often carry inexplicable and unnecessary items in the back.

#274: “First Hand Experience”

Bernard Walton: Look, since my wife is gone, maybe we could enjoy ourselves with some bachelor kinds of things.
Eugene Meltsner: Such as?
Bernard Walton: It's no wonder you and Whit are friends. Manly activities, Eugene! Things that men enjoy doing!
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, you mean things like wearing the same pair of socks for several days, or shaking up a soda can to see who hits the ceiling with the spray!

#178: “Room Mates”

Eugene Meltsner: Today, Bernard Walton beats me at chess. Tomorrow, the earth will revolve around the sun!
Connie Kendall: The earth does revolve around the sun, Eugene!
Eugene Meltsner: Aghhhhh!!

#396: “Poor Loser”

Bryan Dern: Really? Are you suggesting a conspiracy by members of our government to suppress the truth from the common man?
Eugene Meltsner: No.
Bryan Dern: Well, I am! That's a lot more interesting than what you just said isn't it?

#637: “The Forgotten Deed”

Eugene Meltsner: <after lighting a fire with a blowtorch> Who wants hot cocoa?
Tom Riley: I'll be in my tent.

#100: “Ice Fishing”

Eugene Meltsner: May I inquire to the source of your depression?
Melanie Jacobs: She just lost a hundred dollars.
Robyn Jacobs: Tell the whole world, Melanie!
Eugene Meltsner: You misplaced one hundred dollars? Then I would suggest an immediate search of the area and perhaps a call to the police.
Melanie Jacobs: She didn't lose the money out of her pocket; she just didn't win it...

#170: “A Test for Robyn”

Bart Rathbone: Name one international bird that is known to bark like a dog. Do you know?
Eugene Meltsner: Well, who wouldn't know? The Senegal Finfoot.

#254: “Truth, Trivia and 'Trina”

Eugene Meltsner: What am I gonna do?! It's unbelievable! She's not only engaged, she's getting married! Oh, why did I ever go to Israel! What am I gonna do?!
Jason Whittaker: What do you mean, what are you gonna do?
Eugene Meltsner: I believe my question was precise as it could be under the circumstances!
Jason Whittaker: Look, she's not married yet, is she?
Eugene Meltsner: No!
Jason Whittaker: Then it's not too late for you to rent a car, drive up to Lake Shore Lodge, and bring her back to her senses! ...Providing you love her enough to do it.
Eugene Meltsner: Of course I love her!
Jason Whittaker: Then fight for her!

#362: “The Right Choice, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: I'd rather not take up any more of your valuable time, sir.
Armitage Shanks: This is my daughter's life you're affecting; we have all the time I want. Come on.
Eugene Meltsner: Yes, sir.

#363: “The Right Choice, Part 2”

Ben Shepard: Were Aubrey and Bethany here tonight?
Eugene Meltsner: They were. Aubrey, in fact, performed an exemplary rendition of works of mid-18th century poets.
Ben Shepard: Uh, where are they now?
Eugene Meltsner: Deceased, I believe.
Ben Shepard: Not the poets, Eugene — our daughters!

#447: “Potlucks and Poetry”

Eugene Meltsner: If I were a father, I'd have to equip my children with homing devices!

#577: “The Business of Busyness”

Eugene Meltsner: Uh, Miss Parker take cover!...I've never tried out-running a bird before!!

#660: “For the Birds”

Eugene Meltsner: Specifically, I wish to curb my desire to exhibit my perspicacity.
Wooton Bassett: Have you tried deodorant?

#671: “Fast As I Can”

Jared DeWhite: Why do I always get stuck doing the dirty work?
Eugene Meltsner: Uh, perhaps because you're so good at it?

#414: “Buried Sin”

Babylonian Soldier: Where does this door lead?
Eugene Meltsner: It depends on which side you enter.

#416: “The Tower”

John Whittaker: Your timing couldn't be better, Hubert.
Eugene Meltsner: Eugene.

#51: “Connie, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Happy Holidays, Connie.
Connie Kendall: Merry Christmas, Eugene. I'd hug you too, but I don't have time for the explanation of the process.

#54: “Peace on Earth”

John Whittaker: Eugene, this is a good time to ask yourself—in what have you put your faith?
Eugene Meltsner: What indeed, Mr. Whittaker. What indeed.

#357: “The Search for Whit, Part 3”

Bernard Walton: Well, Eugene. You wanna go watch a pig? Or does that fail to stimulate you intellectually?
Eugene Meltsner: Actually, I would enjoy a good pig watch.
Bernard Walton: Eugene, there is hope for you yet.

#275: “Second Thoughts”

Bernard Walton: Put your calculator away, Eugene, or consider being stranded on the side of the interstate in your estimations!
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, then it's Hollywood, here we come.

#278: “The Fifth House on the Left, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Say good bye to who?
Eugene Meltsner: Whom.
Bernard Walton: Quiet. Say good bye to who, Connie?
Connie Kendall: To Whit! He left Odyssey!

#280: “Gone...”

Eugene Meltsner: Miss Kendall, as I've so often observed in the past and your own experiences confirm it: curiosity in your hands is like a dangerous weapon in the hands of a maniac—out of control and likely to harm!
Connie Kendall: Oh, yeah?
Eugene Meltsner: To respond in kind, "yeah!"

#283: “A Book by Its Cover”

Connie Kendall: The IQ of a planet and he can't even tie his own sandals.
Eugene Meltsner: I'll ignore that.

#135: “Back to Bethlehem, Part 1”

Mandy Straussberg: Do you have any advice on how I should take care of him?
Eugene Meltsner: Well, as a matter of fact, there are a few items to keep in mind. Clean his water every other day. One meal per day is enough to sustain him. Supply him with a balanced diet of worms, breadcrumbs, water fleas and plants, and take care not to overfeed him. Keep his water temperature at 18.4 degrees Celsius, of course, and make sure he has plenty of shade, because goldfish do not have eyelids. Do you understand?
Mandy Straussberg: Um...clean his water how often?

#437a: “Sunset Bowlawater”

Eugene Meltsner: She's quite the expert in history. You should hear her recite the Magna Carta. It's a deeply moving experience. Her students are in for a treat!

#696: “You're Two Kind”

Eugene Meltsner: You know, this journal seems awfully familiar. Do you know his original name?
Aman: Yes. Leonard.
Eugene Meltsner: What did you say?
Aman: Leonard.
Eugene Meltsner: Leonard? That's my father's name!

#574: “Prisoners of Fear, Part 1”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: I'm fine. Although I must admit, i would ask for a break if I wasn't worried about snakes attacking me.
Eugene Meltsner: Well if you see anything threatening, remember Aman gave me a knife.
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: I'm sorry for this. But I'm really having a difficult time imagining you using that knife on anything that wasn't served on a plate in a climate controlled restaurant.

#575: “Prisoners of Fear, Part 2”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Eugene, that next branch doesn't look very strong.
Eugene Meltsner: I could never break this branch. You heard what the doctor said about my weight; I practically disappear when I turn sideways!
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Yes, but be careful!

#571: “For Better or For Worse, Part 2”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Eugene! You bought me a ring? Ah! It's perfect!
Eugene Meltsner: I thought you would think so.
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: I have to put it on right away. Here, hold Daddy's ring.

#393: “Wrapped Around Your Finger”

Connie Kendall: Oh, Eugene, what have we done?
Eugene Meltsner: I think we've killed Whit's End!

#73: “A Bite of Applesauce”

Connie Kendall: I talked Jason into letting me work more hours over the next couple of weeks.
Eugene Meltsner: And why, may I ask?
Connie Kendall: I got a little carried away with my new credit card.
Eugene Meltsner: Ooh.
Connie Kendall: And I'm gonna have a whopper of a bill coming at the end of the month.
Eugene Meltsner: I see.

#323: “A Little Credit, Please”

Eugene Meltsner: I cannot have Miss Kendall teaching me—ha!—how to drive!

#194: “A License to Drive”

Eugene Meltsner: Alright, I'm back.
Kyle (b): You were gone a long time.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, getting your ball proved to be quite the adventure, involving a ladder and a particularly annoyed blackbird.

#712: “Child's Play”

Eugene Meltsner: Which is why I have this handy air freshener near by. Does that help?
Matthew Parker: Now it smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.

#699: “Emily the Genius”

Eugene Meltsner: I hereby announce that the Edu-link and all it's components are hereby functioning within their expected norms of capacity.
Marvin Washington: Huh?
Eugene Meltsner: It works!

#589: “The Impossible”

Eugene Meltsner: Water. I'm so thirsty. No, that's the one thing I mustn't think about. I'll think about something else. Food, yeah that's it. I'm not thirsty, I'm hungry – for a big plate of water!
Gaspar: They say talking to yourself is a sure sign you've been in the desert too long.
Eugene Meltsner: Huh? Oh, hello. Yes, I suppose that could be true although when there is no one else to talk to one's own self does present a willing and captive audience.

#176: “The Star, Part 1”

Connie Kendall: Let's see, reasons you wouldn't be able to donate... have you given blood in the last 56 days?
Eugene Meltsner: What do you think?

#599: “Blood, Sweat, and Fears”

Jason Whittaker: Tasha and I are engaged! <crashing noise from kitchen>
Jason Whittaker: Oh boy, she's in the kitchen, isn't she?
Jack Allen: Yeah.
Eugene Meltsner: Yes.
Jason Whittaker: Oh, no.
Connie Kendall: Hi guys, I dropped some pots and pans. I'll... I'll pick them up after I go... do something else.
Jason Whittaker: Look, Connie
Eugene Meltsner: I believe I will go to the Kids Radio studio.
Jack Allen: Coward.

#336: “Love is in the Air, Part 2”

Connie Kendall: What do you think they're up to?
Eugene Meltsner: Ah, establishing a plausible and rational explanation to this mystery. I hope.
Jack Allen: If they can.
Connie Kendall: Jack, you're beginning to sound like you believe he's really an angel.

#407: “Malachi's Message, Part 2”

Bernard Walton: You look about as happy as a man who invested a million dollars in eight track tapes.
Eugene Meltsner: I beg your pardon?
Bernard Walton: Eight track tapes! You know; in the 70's, they were tape... Oh, never mind. It's no good if you have to explain it!

#330: “The Time Has Come”

Connie Kendall: Eugene, are you alright?
Maureen: Oh, he'll be okay. I only did a gentle flip.
Eugene Meltsner: That was gentle?!?!

#714: “Something Old, Something New, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: Watch the counter for a moment, will you?
Jay Smouse: Watch the counter. Watch the counter? Ooooh cool!! Free ice cream for the counter watcher!!

#686: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 8”

Eugene Meltsner: So, we found that Michael died on that train in Africa.
Maddie Burnette: Oh my goodness! That's terrible. All we knew is that it happened overseas.
Eugene Meltsner: And the State Department told you that?
Maddie Burnette: Yes. They didn't give much detail, but then again, we didn't ask for much. We barely knew Michael. Ar-are you sure you don't want something to eat?
John Whittaker: Oh, no. We ate on the way.
Eugene Meltsner: I'm really not hungry.

#594: “A Time for Action, Part 1”

Connie Kendall: Okay, um, it's obvious I need to step in.
Eugene Meltsner: No, you don't.
Connie Kendall: I'm gonna put the spark back into your marriage, Eugene!
Eugene Meltsner: I do not doubt your ability to take virtually any situation and set fire to it, Miss Kendall, but this is a personal matter.
Connie Kendall: Since when has that stopped me?

#731: “More Than a Feeling”

John Whittaker: What is the Cross of Cortes?
Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Whittaker, it's the crucifix worn by Hernan Cortes when he defeated the Aztec nation and conquered Mexico.
John Whittaker: Well that much I do know.
Eugene Meltsner: Well legend holds that the cross is embodied by some sort of supernatural power.
John Whittaker: Power?
Eugene Meltsner: Yes, making the wearing almost invincible in battle, much as the sword Excalibur did in the King Arthur stories.
John Whittaker: Oh...
Dan Isidro: Yes, only the cross really exists.

#171: “The Cross of Cortes, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: May I suggest that it is none of our business?
Connie Kendall: Right.
Eugene Meltsner: Having made my usual attempt to convince you that you should leave things alone, Ms. Kendall, I shall now depart and leave you to do exactly the opposite!
Connie Kendall: Oh! Why don't you go invent cold fusion or something?!
Eugene Meltsner: I'm off to J&J Antiques to install the new inventory program. Should I invent cold fusion, you shall hear about it.

#724: “Home Again, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: [tearfully] Oh, pass me another tissue!
Eugene Meltsner: You're holding the box.
Wooton Bassett: I know!

#738: “The Pilot, Part 2”

John Whittaker: Didn't you take the test?
Eugene Meltsner: Of course I took the test!
John Whittaker: So what happened?
Eugene Meltsner: I failed it! I flunked it!

#193: “A Tongue of Fire”

Bernard Walton: All right, who wants to ride shotgun?
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, I didn't know we were going hunting as well.
Bernard Walton: Get in the truck, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: Uh, yes, sir.

#205: “Flash Flood”

Eugene Meltsner: My computer!
Bernard Walton: So, water does hurt those things?

#448: “Mandy's Debut”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: I asked you to marry me, and you responded by conducting a survey? Why didn't you bring in a census bureau?
Eugene Meltsner: It's an off year for them in this district!

#374: “For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll, Part 3”

Eugene Meltsner: I don't believe there's any real "problem," Mr. Whittaker. ... I believe it's all a matter of personality.
Connie Kendall: Yeah! I have one, and he doesn't!

#63: “A Good and Faithful Servant”

Eugene Meltsner: Apparently without my knowledge, the definition of fun has merged with the definition of insanity! <whimpering> I'm in.

#611: “The Top Floor, Part 1”

Jack Allen: I said earlier that something drastic would have to happen to move your relationship with Katrina. I think the same is true for your relationship with Jesus.
Eugene Meltsner: When you say drastic, what specifically do you mean?
Jack Allen: I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud. But it could be anything.

#322: “The Turning Point”

Bernard Walton: Come down from that rope, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: "Fat chance", to borrow the colloquialism!

#277: “It Happened at Four Corners”

Connie Kendall: If you're on a blue train at 2 in the afternoon, and a giant tomato hits it at a 45° angle, what would you say on a scale from 1 to 10?
Eugene Meltsner: Ahh... A truckload of prunes.
Connie Kendall: Ok! Welcome to the "figure out your life" club!

#351: “What Are You Gonna Do with Your Life?”

Eugene Meltsner: We would, in essence, be serving as Buck's parents. It's a daunting thought.
John Whittaker: Yeah, but you won't be alone. And don't forget your wealth of experiences.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, I wouldn't dismiss what I've learned working here. Yet, it isn't about what I know; it's about what I don't know that worries me. I mean, the many variables, the—the things I can't anticipate.
John Whittaker: The variables are God's business. You can't always predict them any more than you can predict the future. It's kind of like preparing for a tornado: you know what to do to keep safe, but—but once it's hit, you're always surprised by the intensity and the damage it causes.
Eugene Meltsner: Are you suggesting that parenting is like experiencing a tornado?

#752: “The Ties That Bind, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: How could you possibly know that I have a black leather wallet that was given to me as a Christmas present?
John Whittaker: <breaking character> Well, because I gave it to you.
Eugene Meltsner: What? B-b-but it's not possible!
John Whittaker: Hi, Eugene! It's good to see you again!
Eugene Meltsner: ...Mr. Whittaker!

#356: “The Search for Whit, Part 2”

Bernard Walton: Where's the root beer? Everybody knows you're supposed to have root beer at a bachelor party!
Eugene Meltsner: Technically, I'm not actually a bachelor anymore.
Bernard Walton: Yeah, well, technically my great-grandmother's wake was livelier than this party!

#570: “For Better or For Worse, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: You really should read more history.
Connie Kendall: How'd you like to be history, Eugene?

#214: “The Living Nativity”

Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Whittaker... I think I want to believe, but I need help with my unbelief.
John Whittaker: Eugene, that’s as good a start as any.

#232: “Thy Kingdom Come”

Connie Kendall: Relationships are a series of steps.
Eugene Meltsner: Steps.
Connie Kendall: And you can only take the step that's in front of you.
Eugene Meltsner: But it seems as though I'm slipping backward instead of moving forward.
Connie Kendall: And with every slip backward comes the opportunity to step on the escalator of communication and move forward again!
Eugene Meltsner: Are you also taking a class on useless analogies?

#807: “Connie the Counselor”

Connie Kendall: So, uh, how do you guys know each other?
Jason Whittaker: Well, we're friends who used to work together.
Connie Kendall: Oh, where was that?
Jason Whittaker: Oh, it was at, the, uh—
Tasha Forbes: Oh, uh, boring government work. We were both analysts. You know, white lab coats and pages and pages of manuals.
Connie Kendall: Uh, huh.
Eugene Meltsner: Sounds fascinating!

#335: “Love is in the Air, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: I shall be scant inches away should you require my assistance!
Bernard Walton: I require your assistance like I require a third nostril.

#237: “Deliver Us From Evil”

Eugene Meltsner: Of course! Don't allow the facts to get in the way of your opinion!

#260: “Naturally, I Assumed...”

Eugene Meltsner: Well, Mr. Maxwell, if I may be so frank, I'd like to say that seeing you now is approximately 1.2 million years sooner than I would have preferred.

#159: “The Homecoming”

Eugene Meltsner: Rocky! Pull this car over immediately!
Abe Burnbaum: Ya didn't like my poem?!

“A Stranger Among Us”

Eugene Meltsner: Young Rathbone, you'll have the chance to tell your side of the story later. But for now, you will keep your muscles immobile and your oral cavity tightly sealed!
Rodney Rathbone: Huh?
Connie Kendall: He means, keep still and be quiet.
Eugene Meltsner: I believe I said that.

#182: “The Scales of Justice”

Eugene Meltsner: What am I gonna do?!
Connie Kendall: Wear your groveling vest! It'll be perfect for the occasion.

#567: “Two Friends and a Truck”

Eugene Meltsner: We were discussing the historical development of necrology, and its impact on Etruscan archaeology!
Jack Allen: Eugene, Eugene. A little sensitivity, hmm?

#320: “Where Is Thy Sting?”

Eugene Meltsner: Please, Katrina, not in front of Miss Kendall!

#405: “The Graduate”

Leonard Meltsner: I'm proud of you.
Eugene Meltsner: Dad, I've been wanting to hear that for a long time.

#607: “The Undeniable Truth”

John Whittaker: Where's the cooler?
Eugene Meltsner: Don't tell me you knocked it over the side.
Wooton Bassett: OK, I won't tell you, but your tuna salad a sleeping with the fishes.

#849: “Out to Sea”

Eugene Meltsner: Can your connections protect us against the legal ramifications against such actions? Tapping into another's computer sans permission is against the law, you know.
Jason Whittaker: Not if you have a court order.
Eugene Meltsner: You are well connected. Have we sufficient grounds?
Jason Whittaker: Well, how about suspicion of fraud, conspiracy, malice, racketeering, domestic terrorism...?
Eugene Meltsner: That's a good start.

#333: “The Last Resort”

Connie Kendall: Oh, Eugene, your words just slide off your tongue like poetry.
Eugene Meltsner: You mean, mellifluously?
Connie Kendall: I think so.

#440: “I Slap Floor”

Bernard Walton: Eugene, the next time you nominate me the foreman of anything, our friendship is over.
Eugene Meltsner: Understood.

#354: “Blind Justice”

Eugene Meltsner: Now let's, uh, punch the highway!
Bernard Walton: You mean "hit the road."

#178: “Room Mates”

Bernard Walton: Oh, I see what he's doing.
Connie Kendall: What?
Bernard Walton: He's trying to get me to move my horse—
Eugene Meltsner: Knight.
Bernard Walton: Away from his tower—
Eugene Meltsner: Rook!
Bernard Walton: So that he can get my guy with a pointy head!
Eugene Meltsner: Bishop!! And I'm not quite clear why you think it's to your advantage to verbalize my strategy out loud!
Bernard Walton: Ah! So that "is" your strategy huh?
Eugene Meltsner: ...no, of course not.

#396: “Poor Loser”

Tom Riley: I guess everything is taken care of now, Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: Down to the last microbyte!

#101: “Scattered Seeds”

Eugene Meltsner: Have you tried: Telling her to get lost and then throw mud on her?
Curt Stevens: That’s what I told him!
Jimmy Barclay: I don’t think that’s right, though.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, of course it isn’t. But, believe it or not, that’s how the girls used to get rid of me.

#117: “The Trouble with Girls”

Liz Horton: That was unbelievable!
Trent DeWhite: Tutor me.
Eugene Meltsner: <wails while running out the door>

#580: “Tales of a Small-Town Thug”

Connie Kendall: If I didn't have my alarm clock, I'd be late every day.
Eugene Meltsner: You are late every day!

#581: “A Christmas Conundrum”

Eugene Meltsner: Tinkering with other people’s equipment is a very dangerous thing to do. If Matthew wants a future in technology, he should learn now...
John Whittaker: Learn what, Eugene? Aren’t you the one that computerized and installed new programs all over the shop, without asking me first?
Eugene Meltsner: Well... yes. I'll get back to work.
John Whittaker: <laughs> Thanks, Eugene.

#655: “The Inspiration Station, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Greeting and salutations, listeners. I suggest we go to the phone lines where you should call in to discuss the uh... the uh... little dramatic vignette we just performed for your uh... edification and uh, perhaps mystification. I believe we have a caller on line one. <speaks under his breath> Oh, please let there be a caller on line one.

#656: “The Inspiration Station, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: Last week you made a less than succinct argument that I might be overly...uh...
Connie Kendall: Obnoxious?
Matthew Parker: Brilliant?
John Whittaker: Committed?
Wooton Bassett: Rectangular?!
Connie Kendall: Wordy?
Wooton Bassett: Maladjusted to the elevation!

#671: “Fast As I Can”

Connie Kendall: Well, is there anything I can do?
Eugene Meltsner: Oh! Uh, as a matter of fact, there is.
Connie Kendall: What?
Eugene Meltsner: Pray for me, Connie. I would be most grateful.
Connie Kendall: Yeah, sure! Nice to have you ask...

#331: “Checkmate”

Eugene Meltsner: And with all due respect to this happy reunion, I believe we should get out of the city before this confusion becomes truly chaotic.
Nathaniel Graham: Meaning?
Eugene Meltsner: Meaning it's only a matter of time before this mob becomes violent.
Nathaniel Graham: Meaning?
Eugene Meltsner: Meaning, let's get out of here!

#416: “The Tower”

John Whittaker: Like any illness, God sometimes heals [mental illness] immediately; sometimes He takes His time. Sometimes He won't heal at all. His reasons are His own.
Eugene Meltsner: But where does that leave us?
John Whittaker: It leaves us where we've always been: stuck with the frailty of our humanness, dependent on the power of God's will, and obliged to keep praying hard for people like Mrs. Riley—and the Tom Rileys of the world who help them.

#368: “The Other Woman”

Russel Kosh: I don't want trouble and I don't wanna have to hurt you.
Eugene Meltsner: Is that what you said to Jenny Roberts when you kidnapped her from Holstein's Bookstore?
Russel Kosh: Who?
Detective Pat Ethan: I think you know her better as Abraham Lincoln.

#311: “The Perfect Witness, Part 3”

Eugene Meltsner: I'd sure like to see a schematic of this.

#357: “The Search for Whit, Part 3”

Eugene Meltsner: I'm taking an extended—shall we call it an expedition?
Bernard Walton: Well, call it whatever you want, but tell me what you mean.

#274: “First Hand Experience”

Eugene Meltsner: I'd be hard pressed to think of any place I would rather have been tonight.
Bernard Walton: I can think of a couple. Prison. Antarctica.

#276: “Third Degree”

Bernard Walton: Why don't they put names on these gates?
Eugene Meltsner: It's possible they don't want pesky tourists to know who they are.
Bernard Walton: I'm not a pesky tourist.

#278: “The Fifth House on the Left, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Wait a minute. What are you doing?
Eugene Meltsner: What else? I'm going to run to the airport! I can't let Mr. Whittaker get away!

#280: “Gone...”

Connie Kendall: Eugene, are you crying?
Eugene Meltsner: I'm not crying. It must be my allergies. All the hay in that stable.
Connie Kendall: Oh, Eugene.

#137: “Back to Bethlehem, Part 3”

Eugene Meltsner: Aman, Morati is my father!

#574: “Prisoners of Fear, Part 1”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: So much for the curse.
Eugene Meltsner: Yes, it appears we've beaten it.

#575: “Prisoners of Fear, Part 2”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Oh, Eugene! I love it! It's wonderful! It's magnificent! It's colossal!
Eugene Meltsner: I thought so, too, which is why it took the proverbial wind out of my sails when your father suddenly came forward with the family ring.
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: I don't care about that, Eugene. I'll wear it on my other hand. This is my engagement ring.

#393: “Wrapped Around Your Finger”

Eugene Meltsner: Oh, no! I left Katrina in my laptop!

#267: “It Ended with a Handshake”

Connie Kendall: Boy, I've learned my lesson about credit cards. In fact, I'm not even carrying it around anymore. I'm gonna keep it at home until I'm absolutely sure I need it.
Eugene Meltsner: Good idea.

#323: “A Little Credit, Please”

John Whittaker: You don't like her new hair cut do you?
Eugene Meltsner: It makes her look like a Q-tip.

#696: “You're Two Kind”

Matthew Parker: Wow. Who uses the word "nefarious" in a crisis?
Eugene Meltsner: I have!

#726: “Push the Red Button”

Connie Kendall: What is the very first thing you do when you get in your car?
Eugene Meltsner: Simple. Start the engine!
Connie Kendall: Wrong!
Eugene Meltsner: Wrong?! Then you need to, uh...you need to, uh...adjust the mirrors!

#194: “A License to Drive”

Connie Kendall: It's amazing how fast I can type with one hand...
Eugene Meltsner: <sarcastically> Yes... like lightning...

#588: “Broken-Armed and Dangerous”

Eugene Meltsner: To borrow the mathematically incorrect colloquialism: we're not half bad at this.

#620: “A New Era, Part 2”

Matthew Parker: Wow. Who uses the word "nefarious" in a crisis?
Eugene Meltsner: I have!

#???: “Push the Red Button (Live)”

Alicia Jennings: I was young, they shouldn't have trusted me to be their delivery girl.
Eugene Meltsner: Still they did. And you were trustworthy, for a time.
Alicia Jennings: One moment of anger. One little mistake.
Eugene Meltsner: Indeed it boggles the mind. We make so many decisions in the course of our lives, most with little consequence. But others, entire lives could be changed from one moment from one act of emotion.

#668: “The Mystery of the Clock Tower, Part 2”

Andrew Drevil: I'm sorry to bother you again, but were any of you guys in the clock tower just now?
Eugene Meltsner: No, why do you ask?
Andrew Drevil: Because the door to the staircase is standing wide open.
Alicia Jennings: Not again.
Matthew Parker: Whoa, it's freak-out time.

#667: “The Mystery of the Clock Tower, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: So, you searched the hut, you found the medicine and now we can move on from the sick people part of the story and back to the airplanes and the romance?
Jeff Lewis: Sorry, no.
Wooton Bassett: I should have stayed on the porch with the potted plant.
Eugene Meltsner: Beg your pardon?

#738: “The Pilot, Part 2”

Connie Kendall: I this morning I was here and it was business as usual, when suddenly, Bang!
Eugene Meltsner: A gun went off?

#735: “Life Expectancy, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: Last one there is a rotten low-density micro-disc! Tally-ho!
Bernard Walton: You think he might have had an accident as a child?

#205: “Flash Flood”

Eugene Meltsner: Take Miss Kendall; she was a snippy, argumentative agnostic when she arrived.
Connie Kendall: I heard that!
Eugene Meltsner: But because people here cared about her, she eventually became the snippy, argumentative Christian...
Connie Kendall: I heard that, too!
Eugene Meltsner: ...we know and love today!

#443: “Changing Rodney”

Jason Whittaker: Glossman? Who's Glossman?
Eugene Meltsner: He's the rather dubious personality from the state government who keeps trying to... how shall I say it?
Connie Kendall: Destroy Odyssey.

#327: “Moving Targets”

Eugene Meltsner: Well, I suppose the gift would be... me?
Bernard Walton: You call that a gift? You see, this is why we register.

#570: “For Better or For Worse, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: It's amazing the adventures that God takes us through in our lives and how he uses them!

#611: “The Top Floor, Part 1”

Katrina Shanks: Maybe the problem has been... us. Me... even Whit, Connie, Jack, Whit's End—all of us.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, how so?
Katrina Shanks: We've given you a very safe and reasonable environment, one that doesn't demand anything of you. It's as if you've been inoculated against Christianity, like the flu! You've been given enough of a dose in order to become immune to it. You've had just enough Christianity to become immune to its impact.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, I haven't thought of it that way...but—but I must nervously ask where this conversation is now taking us; you seem to have reached some sort of a conclusion.
Katrina Shanks: Yes, I have. My conclusion is that I need to get out of the way so God can deal with you directly on His own terms. No more comfort, Eugene. No more easy way out. No more hiding behind the faith of the faithful.
Eugene Meltsner: I shudder to think what that means. Are you gonna stop having lunch with me? Are you gonna cease our occasional phone conversations? Are you planning to stay away from Whit's End from now on?
Katrina Shanks: Yes, I am.

#322: “The Turning Point”

Eugene Meltsner: I would humbly suggest to be careful not to jump to any conclusions.
Katrina Shanks: Oh, I’d never count my chickens before they hatched.
Eugene Meltsner: But you might kill two birds with one stone.
Katrina Shanks: Not when a bird in hand is worth two in a bush.
Eugene Meltsner: Unless bird of a feather flock together.
Katrina Shanks: Well, then, I’d be forced to fly the coop.
Eugene Meltsner: There was poultry humor in that remark.
Katrina Shanks: Oh, Eugene, that’s a foul thing to say!
Eugene Meltsner: Well, I was just winging it.

#283: “A Book by Its Cover”

Kelsey Smith-Hammer: May I kiss you good-bye, Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: If you insist.

#279: “The Fifth House on the Left, Part 2”

Bart Rathbone: He said that I cheated people and treated my customers bad!
Eugene Meltsner: And he considers that newsworthy?

#586: “A Cheater Cheated”

Lucy Cunningham-Schultz: But what would Mr. Rathbone have against our nativity scene?
Eugene Meltsner: Indeed! It's doubtful he knows what the Constitution is, let alone what it says!

#214: “The Living Nativity”

Ralph Reems: Your grandfather was a great man, but he didn't talk much. You know why?
Eugene Meltsner: Uhh, 'cause he was thinking?

#200: “Feud for Thought”

Eugene Meltsner: For instance, when I speak, I use English. When Miss Kendall speaks, she uses... <turns to Connie> ...what do you call that again?

#63: “A Good and Faithful Servant”

Connie Kendall: I'm in a similar boat with Jules.
Eugene Meltsner: The Titanic?

#807: “Connie the Counselor”

Eugene Meltsner: Obviously, they were young men made in my old mold.
Bernard Walton: No, they broke your mold, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: Why, thank you!
Bernard Walton: Anyone who talks to you can tell you were still in it at the time.

#237: “Deliver Us From Evil”

Eugene Meltsner: The lower-level communication device requires your presence!
John Whittaker: Uh, translated!
Eugene Meltsner: Huh? Oh! You're wanted on the phone downstairs!

#184: “Isaac the Chivalrous”

Richard Maxwell: Is that a yes?
Eugene Meltsner: A conditional yes, yes.
Richard Maxwell: I'll take it.
Eugene Meltsner: If it wasn't locked down you'd take it.

#159: “The Homecoming”

Eugene Meltsner: I thought it was highly imaginative of him to do a production of "Oklahoma" set in Alaska!

#218: “A Class Act”

Eugene Meltsner: You mean, you're saying you just, uh... complimented me?
Connie Kendall: Well... your shirt, yeah!
Eugene Meltsner: Excuse me, Mr. Whittaker, but I... I think I feel faint!

#269: “Fences”

Eugene Meltsner: I'm attempting to curb the temptation to take what I have for granted — and at the same time, to understand the plight of the underprivileged. Not everyone in the world has 3 meals a day as do you and I. Alas, most of the world eats just a few times a week!
Connie Kendall: Okay, well, who wants cheesecake?

#339: “Do, For a Change”

John Whittaker: Brother Eugene, come forward. After six months of glorious, uh, of muteness...we bid you share your new wisdom with us.
Eugene Meltsner: Thank you, Friar Mr. Whittaker. Fellow brethren of the monastic way, my journey through silence has been met by various and sundry provocations from the opposer, and not without dire distress and ventricular hemorrhaging of spirit. However, deep within the recesses of my being, I received the capacity to endure. Thus, I desire to share with you all now what this experience has achieved for me, and in achieving for me, I believe will also further advance the understanding of like-minded people everywhere.
Bernard Walton: That would be no one.

#366: “Solitary Refinement”

Eugene Meltsner: I am relatively certain I'd not be comfortable in any sort of diaper.

#855: “Divided We Fall”

Eugene Meltsner: Simeon! What do you think we should do? Do you think it's a trap?
Simeon (b): No...
Eugene Meltsner: What makes you so sure?
Simeon (b): Because I have seen the eyes of those who search for peace, for hope. I've seen those eyes in my own reflection while waiting for that child. And I see it in the eyes of Proclus.

#177: “The Star, Part 2”

John Whittaker: Hmm. Can't think of the last time we had a plane crash anywhere near Odyssey.
Eugene Meltsner: Seven years ago, Mr. Whittaker. An experimental aircraft from Campbell College crashed on the tarmac of Odyssey Airport. Fortunately, no one was hurt.
John Whittaker: Really? I don't remember hearing about that.
Eugene Meltsner: Uh, it was never reported in the news. The college did their best to keep the incident quiet.
John Whittaker: Well, then, how do you know about it?
Eugene Meltsner: ...I was the pilot.
John Whittaker: You surprise me Eugene, I didn't know you dabbled in flight.
Eugene Meltsner: I don't. That's why the plane crashed. In principle, it should have worked. I later found out that my diagrams made excellent paper airplanes though.

#679: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: <interrupting Eugene> Hold on, hold on. Don't you college boys know how to take care of your equipment? That computer screen is filthy.
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, I've been meaning to clean it. Anyway if...
Bernard Walton: Never leave until tomorrow what you can put off today, er, something like that.

#178: “Room Mates”

Eugene Meltsner: Congratulations for doing something intelligent. It's not often you're complimented for that.

#169: “Hold Up!”

Eugene Meltsner: What's the next clue, Isaac?
Isaac Morton: "Finding the next clue shouldn't be torture; it may be the apple of your eye. Under a bushel or in the orchard. All you have to do is try" ...What do you think?
Eugene Meltsner: Whoever wrote that needs to take a course in poetry.
Isaac Morton: The clue!

#198: “Treasure Hunt”

Eugene Meltsner: Miss Kendall...
Connie Kendall: Yeah?
Eugene Meltsner: I'm speechless! This is the last thing I was expecting from you, it does humble me a bit as I merely purchased a scarf for you, which was certainly bought from the heart but, not nearly as elaborate as this generous gift for which I don't know how to thank you.
Tom Riley: For bein' speechless, a lot of words sure came out!

#581: “A Christmas Conundrum”

Rodney Rathbone: Hey, you're an adult. You can't do this to me! Eugene, you're a witness!
Eugene Meltsner: Witness to what?

#333: “The Last Resort”

Eugene Meltsner: I don't have any other friends! I mean not like her. I mean I have you and Connie. But I admire you, and all I ever do is argue with Connie!
Connie Kendall: That's not true.
Eugene Meltsner: <beat> See?

#373: “For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll, Part 2”

Bart Rathbone: Surely. You can help us get all computerized and stuff! Come on, what do you say?
Eugene Meltsner: I'm... incredulous!
Bart Rathbone: Is that a yes?
Eugene Meltsner: After all your dubious scheming and plotting to the detriment, if not outright damage, of the town of Odyssey and its denizens, how can you realistically expect that I would even consider, much less grant, your requests for my ministrations and assistance in your bid to attain office?
Bart Rathbone: Is that a yes?
Eugene Meltsner: In a word, NO! NO! A thousand times, NO!
Bart Rathbone: I get it, youse wanna think about it for a little while. Well, fine, fine; just give me your answer tomorrow.
Eugene Meltsner: <groans> I give up!

#380: “The One About Trust, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Whit's End. Is that a pun?
John Whittaker: Well, sort of.
Eugene Meltsner: I hate puns.

#51: “Connie, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Let's see. We have eleven votes of guilty, and one vote of... it says: I am undecided at this... I can't read this scrawl... Undecided at this...
Eugene Meltsner: Juncture.
Bernard Walton: …Juncture, but my inclinations are that the defendant is not guilty.

#354: “Blind Justice”

Bart Rathbone: So why are you runnin' in da middle of dis field?
Eugene Meltsner: Why are you drivin' in da middle of dis field?

#280: “Gone...”

Eugene Meltsner: Wait. Watch this move. Bishop to Rook 3, there! I seriously think he made that move simply to form the letter M with his pieces!
Connie Kendall: What!
John Whittaker: It's bedtime, Eugene.

#396: “Poor Loser”

Eugene Meltsner: Hellooo! Mr. alien! I am Eugene Meltsner and I am your friend. Do you understand? I am your friend. Ow! Cease and desist! Wrapping your tentacle around me is not conducive to good communication. Ow! STOP!
Edwin Blackgaard: Eugene!? Eugene!
Eugene Meltsner: I'll have to get back to you Ed!
Edwin Blackgaard: Terrible. Just terrible.

#248: “Terror from the Skies”

Connie Kendall: Take Eugene and Wooton. They're afraid to be seen by you by fear that you'll misread their expressions and gestures.
Penny Bassett: They are?
Connie Kendall: Isn't that right, Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: The word fear may be extreme. Anxious, nervous, disconcerted, discomforted, annoyed, vexed. Any of those are better words.
Connie Kendall: Whatever. Wooton?
Wooton Bassett: No, I think fear sounds perfect.

#702: “Childish Things”

Armitage Shanks: I'm sorry, Eugene, but we're men. Let's call a spade a spade.
Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Shanks, had I given Katrina a shovel, then yes, we could call a spade a spade. As it is, we're discussing rings!

#393: “Wrapped Around Your Finger”

Kyle (b): Where are you going? The ball's that way.
Eugene Meltsner: I'm retrieving my car keys.

#712: “Child's Play”

Connie Kendall: Would I snoop around in something that wasn't mine?
Eugene Meltsner: In a heartbeat.

#267: “It Ended with a Handshake”

Eugene Meltsner: So, do we have time for the carnival? One ride on the Tilt 'n' Whirl?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Only if you promise not to scream like a little girl!
Eugene Meltsner: What?! I don't scream! <sounds of Eugene in the Tilt 'n' Whirl screaming>

#684: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 6”

Eugene Meltsner: <on the phone> No, Mr. Whittaker, I jest not. I rushed in and shouted that it would be a big mistake for Mrs. Shanks to marry Mr. Shanks! Who's that laughing in the background? —Well, tell Jason I don't share his sense of humor. Big help he turned out to be.

#362: “The Right Choice, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Can you explain a little about how the chemicals are reacting please?
Connie Kendall: Well, in about ten minutes you'll see my hair turn into a lovely chestnut brown.
Penny Bassett: You mean beachy blonde.
Connie Kendall: Don't be silly Penny. You know I always use chestnut brown.
Penny Bassett: I thought you said you wanted to try being blonde.
Connie Kendall: My assistant is kidding. I said that I wondered what it would look like to be blonde at one in the morning after a two liter bottle of caffeinated soda.
Penny Bassett: Well, on the upside, the reaction is working wonderfully. And your hair is already getting lighter.

#729: “No Chemistry Whatsoever”

John Whittaker: Well, I'm part of his home church, he probably heard it through the grape vine!
Eugene Meltsner: Your church cultivates grapes?!

#171: “The Cross of Cortes, Part 1”

Connie Kendall: How does he know all that?
Eugene Meltsner: The man once made a life-sized fort out of Jell-O cubes. Understanding the way his mind works would be a challenge for Einstein!

#599: “Blood, Sweat, and Fears”

Connie Kendall: I decided to do a little shopping.
Eugene Meltsner: LITTLE?! Obviously, the meaning of the word has changed.

#323: “A Little Credit, Please”

Eugene Meltsner: Well, we're writing our own vows; that's commensurately romantic, is it not?
Bernard Walton: Depends. Did your vows include the word "commensurately"?
Eugene Meltsner: Well, um...
Bernard Walton: Uh-huh.
Eugene Meltsner: Perhaps.

#570: “For Better or For Worse, Part 1”

Katrina Shanks: Eugene, it's already sorted out. I'm leaving Odyssey.
Eugene Meltsner: What?!
Katrina Meltsner: I'm going home to be with my family.

#322: “The Turning Point”

Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Riley?! I thought I asked you to leave!
Tom Riley: You did, and I didn't. So nah-nana-nah-nah!

#213: “Best Intentions”

Katrina Meltsner: Oh! Ow... Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: What?
Katrina Meltsner: There is a necklace in my nacho!
Eugene Meltsner: You're joking!

#731: “More Than a Feeling”

Wally Haggler: Ok Eugene. I'm with Jay at the railroad tracks.
Eugene Meltsner: And?
Wally Haggler: I can hear it coming. It's coming round the bend.

#690: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 12”

Turner Ward: How does it feel to have saved possibly hundreds of lives?
Eugene Meltsner: Great. Just great.

#580: “Tales of a Small-Town Thug”

Eugene Meltsner: I believe you see, that we must be plain in our speech and clear in our understanding. It's my experience, well not my personal experience but I have read about these kids of things. That these sorts of things should be nipped in the bud. To borrow the antique colloquialism.

#139: “Melanie's Diary”

Eugene Meltsner: Caspio?
Foster Smith-Hammer: Yeah, he's a character in my new movie.
Eugene Meltsner: Is that Shakespearean?
Foster Smith-Hammer: Sort of; it's called "Biker Bimbos From Belview Go Bonkers."
Eugene Meltsner: Obviously a philosophical work.

#278: “The Fifth House on the Left, Part 1”

Jason Whittaker: Eugene, how would you like to take a trip to the Middle East?
Eugene Meltsner: I'd have to think about it. Okay, I've thought about it. Let's go! By the way, your treat.

#355: “The Search for Whit, Part 1”

Connie Kendall: Eugene, you're gonna have to drive!
Eugene Meltsner: What?!
Connie Kendall: Unless you'd rather help deliver a baby!
Eugene Meltsner: Where are the keys?

#194: “A License to Drive”

Eugene Meltsner: I made the foolish assumption that I would not miss what I could not remember, but it is now apparent that I'm missing out on so much! Knowing you as I once did—it's a terrible ache, a desperate longing! I really must succeed in restoring my memory, Mr. Whittaker!
John Whittaker: We're doing our best, Eugene.

#565: “A Most Surprising Answer”

Tom Riley: <banging on the door> Eugene!
Eugene Meltsner: What? Mr. Riley? I-It's only been a few seconds!
Tom Riley: Let me out! Let me out!
Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Riley—
Tom Riley: That's enough, Eugene! I get it now!
Eugene Meltsner: But—what happened?!
Tom Riley: I want you to erase that program, Eugene, understand? Erase it, now!
Eugene Meltsner: But Mr. Whittaker won't want me—
Tom Riley: Don't argue, Eugene! It's too dangerous to keep! Just erase it, erase it! I have to get back to the hospital!

#211: “The Mortal Coil, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: I-It was the most horrifying thing I've ever experienced. I—I've never felt such loneliness or isolation. It was as though I were completely separated from—everyone and everything... completely and thoroughly alone. Not like I was off by myself somewhere, but... but as though I were... nonexistent in a dark void of solitude. I was alone, Connie! Utterly alone in a—in a burning blackness and I've had nothing but nightmares since then!

#212: “The Mortal Coil, Part 2”

John Whittaker: Time out now! Everybody off the field!
Eugene Meltsner: Uh, I beg your pardon?

#52: “Connie, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: My mind is racing, you see. And alas, they do not exist.

#260: “Naturally, I Assumed...”

Eugene Meltsner: Child.
Connie Kendall: Sticks and stones.

#73: “A Bite of Applesauce”

Benjamin (c): This census is going to kill my business!
Eugene Meltsner: Possibly your customers, too.

#136: “Back to Bethlehem, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: What are you looking for?
Train station attendant: The cameras. This is one of those "Funniest Home Videos," isn't it?

#200: “Feud for Thought”

Eugene Meltsner: Are you accusing me of lying?
Connie Kendall: No! <beat> Yes!

#232: “Thy Kingdom Come”

Connie Kendall: I just wanna be left alone, okay? I have a headache.
Eugene Meltsner: <under his breath> Self-inflicted wound, I believe.

#269: “Fences”

Eugene Meltsner: Then I shall apply all my faculties to help form a solution!
Captain Richard Quinn: Hmmm. Think about it too, please.

#311: “The Perfect Witness, Part 3”

Eugene Meltsner: Now, Connie, far be it from me to give you advice—
Connie Kendall: But you're going to anyway.
Eugene Meltsner: Of course!

#406: “Malachi's Message, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: I am so sorry for apologizing so profusely!

#588: “Broken-Armed and Dangerous”

Don Polehaus: Nice work, kids.
Eugene Meltsner: Did you call me a kid?

#681: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 3”

Bernard Walton: Whit! Whit!
Eugene Meltsner: Where?!
Bernard Walton: I don't know.
Eugene Meltsner: You startled me, Mr. Walton. I thought you might be he.
Bernard Walton: Why would Whit be calling his own name all the way down the stairs? This place gets loonier all the time.

#113: “Suspicious Minds”

Monty Whittaker: Hi Mr. Riley, hi Eugene.
Tom Riley: Well, hello there Monty.
Eugene Meltsner: A most felicitous morning to you, Montgomery.
Monty Whittaker: Huh? Oh, Thanks.

#100: “Ice Fishing”

Eugene Meltsner: Wait! Don't you want me to tell you about subsection D?
Tom Riley: I'll talk to you later.
Eugene Meltsner: But it has pie charts!

#578: “All-Star Witness”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: It's like... it's like...
Hans Holstein: Catch the ball!
Eugene Meltsner: No, Hans! Don't throw the— (Ball hits Katrina) Katrina!

#373: “For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll, Part 2”

Bart Rathbone: Boy, you really put your foot in it that time. Is she always that snippy?
Eugene Meltsner: You have no idea.

#380: “The One About Trust, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: My senses have gone beyond the capacity to function. I can feel my pores fibrillating even as we speak!

#362: “The Right Choice, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: So are you [...] going to run for mayor again?
Tom Riley: Now Eugene, you're not curious, are ya?
Eugene Meltsner: No, not at all. I was merely inquiring out of a fundamentally objective desire to know.
John Whittaker: He's curious.

#368: “The Other Woman”

Captain Richard Quinn: Have you ever thought of working for the police, Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: What does it pay?
Captain Richard Quinn: You can't afford the pay cut.

#309: “The Perfect Witness, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Possibly as a marketing question. Perhaps we need to convey a more sympathetic image.
Bernard Walton: Eugene, we're staggering down the road in the middle of nowhere. What else could we add to make us look more miserable? <thunder rumbles> I had to ask.

#274: “First Hand Experience”

Hezekiah: Who are you?
Eugene Meltsner: I'm Eu... uh.. people call me "Eugenius."
Connie Kendall: Oh, brother!

#135: “Back to Bethlehem, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Well, luckily, rush hour in Odyssey consists of a truck, a bike, and a dog with a limp!

#581: “A Christmas Conundrum”

Eugene Meltsner: It's me, Eugene Meltsner! Let's go into the bathroom.

#356: “The Search for Whit, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Whittaker, the man used a squeegee on my computer!

#178: “Room Mates”

Eugene Meltsner: We haven't been to a carnival since-
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: We've never been to a carnival.
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, that was the time...

#684: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 6”

Eugene Meltsner: My wife Katrina will conduct the interview.
Connie Kendall: She will?
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, indeed. She is a very good judge of character.
Connie Kendall: Apart from who to marry!

#682: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 4”

Eugene Meltsner: It's over here behind this picture.

#169: “Hold Up!”

Eugene Meltsner: Has anyone seen my-
Penny Bassett: Eugene!
Connie Kendall: No! Absolutely not.
Eugene Meltsner: Absolutely not what?
Connie Kendall: She wants you to pose as my groom for a wedding brochure.
Eugene Meltsner: Absolutely not!

#713: “Something Old, Something New, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: ¿Coma esta el baño?
Inspector Roberto Cordova: El baño esta por aqui.
Eugene Meltsner: A key? I don't need a key. I NEED EL BAÑO!!!

#171: “The Cross of Cortes, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: What?! You eat while you're working on your computer? Don't you realize the damage you could do with a careless crumb or a spilled drink?
Bernard Walton: It's a computer, not the Ming Vase Collection. What good is the thing if it's not a sturdy working machine? I mean, you said when we bought it that it was a wonderful tool.
Eugene Meltsner: A tool, yes, but not a sledgehammer or a—or a TV tray! You have to treat a computer with care and kindness. They're delicate creatures who must be maintained with respect!

#267: “It Ended with a Handshake”

Eugene Meltsner: It's gonna take weeks to figure this out.

#357: “The Search for Whit, Part 3”

Eugene Meltsner: Obviously my test needs work. Not only did it have you working in box manufacturing, but it suggested Jason's personality was best suited to painting figurines of cartoon characters in Korea!
Connie Kendall: I don't think he'd have the patience for that.
Eugene Meltsner: Exactly!

#351: “What Are You Gonna Do with Your Life?”

Kelsey Smith-Hammer: Did you hear that, Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: Yes, I did, Kelsey, but I'm still wondering how he got the x-ray machine in his van.

#278: “The Fifth House on the Left, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Ah, yes, Odyssey. Where, fortunately, few things ever change.
Bernard Walton: Thank Heaven.
Eugene Meltsner: Then drive on, "Bernie!"
Bernard Walton: Why, in a flash, "Hubert!"

#279: “The Fifth House on the Left, Part 2”

Bernard Walton: Number two: Katrina carried Eugene over the threshold!
Eugene Meltsner: Now, that was only due to the recurrence of an old chess club injury!
Tom Riley: A chess club injury?
Eugene Meltsner: It was a very big club.

#570: “For Better or For Worse, Part 1”

Connie Kendall: Well, we looked at your painting and we think it's just terrible!
Eugene Meltsner: Tactfully put, Miss Kendall.

#283: “A Book by Its Cover”

Liz Horton: We don’t have the hard information to justify the use of tax money for the space program when it could be used to end poverty in America as we know it!
Eugene Meltsner: It’s simple, Miss Horton. Less than 1% is spent on space while over 30% is spent on government welfare programs for the poor. Even if you eliminated the space program altogether, the poor would only receive 3 cents on the dollar per person of that money. This is hardly going to end poverty as we know it. And, economically speaking, the underwriting of the space program is a long-term answer instead of a short-term fix. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got urinals to scrub!

#580: “Tales of a Small-Town Thug”

Eugene Meltsner: Please accept this token which you're unworthy of!

#260: “Naturally, I Assumed...”

Eugene Meltsner: Connie says I saw a glimpse of hell, and in many ways... I wanna believe her!
John Whittaker: Believe it, Eugene.

#232: “Thy Kingdom Come”

Connie Kendall: Well, I'm not overwhelmed by your romance.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, thankfully, you don't have to be.

#408: “Malachi's Message, Part 3”

Eugene Meltsner: About ten kids tried to stuff themselves into the Imagination Station. I can't get them out! They're having an adventure with George Washington crossing the Delaware. And there's so many of them, they're sinking the boat!

#429: “The YAK Problem”

Bernard Walton: What are these brochures? Are you planning another vacation already?
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, no. Not at all. I'm perusing sites of isolation where I might explore disciplines for the inner spiritual life.
Bernard Walton: As soon as I asked, I knew it was a mistake. You want to break that sentence down and translate it for me?

#366: “Solitary Refinement”

Eugene Meltsner: Well I'm certain things will calm down, my Little Brussel Sprout...
Katrina Meltsner: Oh no, no, no. Keep trying.

#700: “How to Sink a Sub”

John Whittaker: Eugene, I do appreciate your efforts around the shop, but you're missing something very important in what you're doing!
Eugene Meltsner: I am? What am I missing?
John Whittaker: Your heart.
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, I beg to differ, Mr. Whittaker. I couldn't function at all if my heart weren't actually--
John Whittaker: No, no, no, not your physical heart, Eugene. Your emotional heart. You see, you've automated nearly everything in Whit's End, but Whit’s End isn’t about automation, machines, or inventions—it’s about people. Now, you can make it more efficient with your inventions, but…can you make it warmer? Friendlier? Loving?

#52: “Connie, Part 2”

Connie Kendall: For Whit, death will be a place of wonder, miracles... beauty and reunion—heaven, Eugene. But for you, who's never accepted Christ, death is... well, it'll be a place of isolation and separation. If Whit got a tiny taste of heaven, then... maybe you got a tiny taste of hell. Do you understand? Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: ...Do you really believe that, Connie?
Connie Kendall: With all my heart.
Eugene Meltsner: Then you'd better explain it all to me... in detail.

#212: “The Mortal Coil, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: Would I not be of more service, not to mention completely typecast to say one of the wise men?
Connie Kendall: You told me the beard makes you itch.
Eugene Meltsner: What do you think this donkey costume is going to do?

#214: “The Living Nativity”

Eugene Meltsner: Well, it worked for my parents; they lost twenty pounds!
John Whittaker: Go home.
Eugene Meltsner: Each!

#113: “Suspicious Minds”

Tom Riley: Eugene, did you hear the way Whit and I spoke to each other when he came in?
Eugene Meltsner: Absolutely.
Tom Riley: Well, that's the way you're supposed to say hello. No fancy shmancy words, just a nice simple howdy-do, or hi or hello. Understand?

#100: “Ice Fishing”

Connie Kendall: I knew there was something about that picture!
Eugene Meltsner: Because it is a painting of a safe?
Connie Kendall: Well, yeah...

#169: “Hold Up!”

Eugene Meltsner: I'll go see her right away.
Matthew Parker: We'll go see her.
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, yes. Me and my shadow.

#667: “The Mystery of the Clock Tower, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: You're making a terrible mistake, Mr. Shanks! You can't let this marriage happen!
Armitage Shanks: I can't? You disapprove of me marrying my wife?

#362: “The Right Choice, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: You know, they really ought to change their hold music, I was listening to Beethoven's ninth symphony and I may be wrong, but I'm rather certain I heard a kazoo in the string section. Save me.
Emily Jones: The police, Eugene!
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, right.

#679: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 1”

Katrina Meltsner: There's another bride and groom!
Eugene Meltsner: Do you think they had stand-ins for us? Your mother and Miss Kendall think of everything, you know.
Katrina Meltsner: She's wearing my mother's dress—the one she wanted me to wear! Eugene... we missed our own wedding!

#571: “For Better or For Worse, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Walton, are you alright?
Bernard Walton: Apart from being pinned under my scaffolding and suffering from countless bruises and probably even a broken leg, I'm just dandy. Why do you ask?

#178: “Room Mates”

Connie Kendall: Eugene, was that you're ringtone?
Eugene Meltsner: Well, yes. You may recall that I was recording my notes when you came in to see me the other night. Well, I just happened to record what you said and I-
Connie Kendall: Happened to? Happened to record it? And happened to make it your ringtone?
Eugene Meltsner: It was such a rare statement. I needed some verifiable proof and I didn't want to lose it so I-
Connie Kendall: You need to delete that, Right now. Other people can't hear that. Think of my reputation!

#729: “No Chemistry Whatsoever”

Eugene Meltsner: When Jesus suffered, he redeemed all of our sufferings. He gave them meaning and purpose to change us, to bring us closer to Him—to remind us that we do not belong to this world, but are made for greater things.
Connie Kendall: Okay...
Eugene Meltsner: He did not die to remove our sufferings. On the contrary, He told us to pick up our crosses and follow Him. In that command, He was telling us that we will indeed suffer, but the suffering could lead us back to God in the same way that His suffering led us all to God.

#736: “Life Expectancy, Part 3”

Eugene Meltsner: I think of it as... a journey to myself!
Bernard Walton: Sounds like a very short trip.

#274: “First Hand Experience”

Jason Whittaker: Eugene, that's a cleaning lady.
Eugene Meltsner: What?
Jason Whittaker: I think that's my dad one floor down.

#356: “The Search for Whit, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: Nocturnal felicitations.
Connie Kendall: It can't be! I don't believe it!
Bernard Walton: Stuff me with spinach and call me a soufflé.
Unknown: It's Eugene!

#564: “A Most Intriguing Question”

Eugene Meltsner: It's how you would wanted to be treated, isn't it?
Bart Rathbone: No, I would want someone to take my order!

#586: “A Cheater Cheated”

Connie Kendall: It was a mix-up, and "she" took it.
Eugene Meltsner: "She"? What "she," my chest constricts to ask!?
Connie Kendall: Well, she thought it might be for her!
Eugene Meltsner: Which "she," Miss Kendall?? And why would she think it was for her?!
Connie Kendall: BECAUSE HER NAME WAS ON IT!!
Eugene Meltsner: <whimpers> That she...
Connie Kendall: Eugene, your eye is twitching.
Eugene Meltsner: Is it?

#267: “It Ended with a Handshake”

Eugene Meltsner: Well, naturally I assumed that my attentiveness would communicate a certain level of feeling.
Connie Kendall: Eugene, your actions communicate only that you're a walking encyclopedia — no more, no less!
Eugene Meltsner: Well, thank you!

#260: “Naturally, I Assumed...”

Connie Kendall: Why were you hiding in that booth?
Eugene Meltsner: He wasn't!
Tom Riley: He wasn't.
Connie Kendall: He wasn't? Well, what—you weren't?
Jack Allen: No, I weren't. Uh, I wasn't!

#281: “...But Not Forgotten”

Sam Johnson: We recorded a tape of the agents confessing that they rigged the test results!
Philip Glossman: Excuse me! Ah, hold on, hold on. Philip Glossman here. On behalf of the state government, I demand that you give me that tape.
Eugene Meltsner: With all due respect, Mr. Glossman... we'd rather make two dozen copies, and then give you the tape!

#287: “Tom for Mayor, Part 2”

Connie Kendall: Excuse me, but I am not late every day, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: You were late today, Connie.
Connie Kendall: My car stalled.
Eugene Meltsner: And yesterday?
Connie Kendall: My curling iron caught on fire.
Eugene Meltsner: Mm-hmm, and, uh, the day before?
Connie Kendall: My conditioner wouldn’t rinse!
Eugene Meltsner: And the day before that?

#581: “A Christmas Conundrum”

Eugene Meltsner: Leonard... Leonard Meltsner!

#157: “Last in a Long Line”

Eugene Meltsner: I would certainly be amenable to the effort.
Edwin Blackgaard: Meaning...?
Eugene Meltsner: I'll try.

#248: “Terror from the Skies”

Eugene Meltsner: I returned to my room after one of my classes and my dorm room had been burgled!
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Oh, no!
Fred Holstein: Ooh! Did they take much from your cash register?

#309: “The Perfect Witness, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Have you come to erase everything else I own? My cassette tapes, a few pencil smudges?

#311: “The Perfect Witness, Part 3”

John Whittaker: Have you slept at all?
Connie Kendall: <sniffs> Have you showered?
Eugene Meltsner: I've done both, actually. Although I can't remember when or where...

#396: “Poor Loser”

Eugene Meltsner: If you'll excuse me.
Connie Kendall: I've been trying to do that for years.
Eugene Meltsner: I heard that!
Connie Kendall: (mocking)
Eugene Meltsner: I heard that, too!

#448: “Mandy's Debut”

Eugene Meltsner: Hmm. Note: need more ergonomic handle. <beat> Hmm. Note: need more efficient gear ratio.
Marvin Washington: <handle breaks> Oops!
Eugene Meltsner: Hmm. Note: need new assistant.
Marvin Washington: What?
Eugene Meltsner: Mmm. Merely jesting, Master Washington.

#589: “The Impossible”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: Yes?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Can you hold me? Just for a little while?
Eugene Meltsner: For as long as you need.

#706: “To Mend or Repair”

John Whittaker: It's not safe to go in the water!
Eugene Meltsner: It's shark-infested!
Wooton Bassett: Sweet! Just like Shark Month on TV, and a lot like the members of my family who started circling after Grandpa Bassett died.

#849: “Out to Sea”

Eugene Meltsner: Very well, Hello Guinevere.
Jenny Whittaker-Dowd: A most felicitous morning to you, Eugene.
Tom Riley: Huh? Hold it, hold it now, Jenny. Did he tell you to say that?

#100: “Ice Fishing”

Connie Kendall: Wooton, why'd you just hit a pot with a fork?
Wooton Bassett: This house doesn't have a high ceiling for my breakfast gong, it's in storage.
Eugene Meltsner: But you once said that you couldn't possibly have breakfast without that instrument.
Wooton Bassett: I can't, Eugene. That's why I'm having 2 lunches everyday.

#640: “Rights, Wrongs, and Winners”

Eugene Meltsner: After I refused to let them mangle my hair, they got another actor who's- How can I say it? Um--
Connie Kendall: A geek, Eugene. The actor's a geek.
Eugene Meltsner: Yeah!
Connie Kendall: It's the only thing about this film that's accurate.
Eugene Meltsner: I beg your pardon?!

#158: “A Day in the Life”

Eugene Meltsner: Well Alicia, may I call you Alicia?
Alicia Jennings: Well, sure.
Eugene Meltsner: Has anyone gone into the programming code itself?
Matthew Parker: That's what I was going to suggest.

#667: “The Mystery of the Clock Tower, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: ...Why are you wearing a wedding dress for Katrina's wedding, Mrs. Shanks?

#362: “The Right Choice, Part 1”

Margaret Faye: What deed, Whit?
Eugene Meltsner: What deed indeed?
Connie Kendall: Quiet, Eugene!

#637: “The Forgotten Deed”

Victor Laslic: Aren't you tired of these gangs running around, getting away with this kind of stuff? Why don't we convict this kid and show the rest of 'em that they can't do it. Come on, let's send a message.
Eugene Meltsner: And if he's innocent?
Victor Laslic: That's the price he pays for hanging around with criminals. And if we let criminals roam around free, then pretty soon this town will be afraid to walk the streets alone. Is that what you want for our town?
Eugene Meltsner: I'm sorry, Victor, but what I want is irrelevant to what we've been called here to do: discern the truth and render a fair verdict. Yes, I'd like to send a message, but the message I want to send is: our system of justice works.

#354: “Blind Justice”

Connie Kendall: You said Latrina.
Eugene Meltsner: You're accusing me of mispronouncing my own fiancée’s name?
Connie Kendall: Not only that, but I think you called her the Spanish word for "bathroom."
Eugene Meltsner: That would be "el baño," which I don't believe I called her.

#440: “I Slap Floor”

Connie Kendall: Eugene, did Whit brief you before you came over here?
Eugene Meltsner: No, not at all. Everything I just said came from your mother.
Connie Kendall: My mom said all that?
Eugene Meltsner: Well, I paraphrased, of course.

#736: “Life Expectancy, Part 3”

Eugene Meltsner: I wear spectacles!
Wooton Bassett: And I'm buying sunglasses!

#702: “Childish Things”

Dean of Science Department: Professor Sharp will not be teaching the fundamentals of chemistry this semester, so allow me to introduce your instructor, Professor Eugene Meltsner!
Penny Bassett: What!
Eugene Meltsner: Greetings and Salutations!
Connie Kendall: We are in trouble.

#729: “No Chemistry Whatsoever”

Connie Kendall: Oh, I can see it now, Eugene in his little playpen with a telescope in one hand and a chemistry set in the other!
Eugene Meltsner: Don't be absurd! It was a microscope and a small blackboard and chalk so that I could do my physics equations.

#351: “What Are You Gonna Do with Your Life?”

Eugene Meltsner: I think I just found a clue!
Jason Whittaker: You're kidding. In the bathroom?
Eugene Meltsner: I do some of my best work there.

#355: “The Search for Whit, Part 1”

Jason Whittaker: It's good to see you—though you've aged quite a lot since I last saw you!
Eugene Meltsner: That's his disguise, Jason!
Jason Whittaker: I know, Eugene.

#356: “The Search for Whit, Part 2”

Hank Murray: You kids secure now?
Connie Kendall: Yes; my fingers are getting quite numb, thank you very much.
Eugene Meltsner: I think mine's a little loose.
Connie Kendall: Eugene!
Hank Murray: How 'bout that?
Eugene Meltsner: <squeaking> Much better!

#169: “Hold Up!”

Eugene Meltsner: Perhaps I'm uncomfortable with all of this... artifice, the fakery, the make-believe! Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the impression that everyone in this town is acting—acting like a friend only so long as it serves a purpose, acting as though they care when they really don't, acting as though the entire world revolves around what happens here without any regard to the rest of the world!
Kelsey Smith-Hammer: You got all of that from a day in Hollywood?
Eugene Meltsner: No, Kelsey—from a day with you! Frankly, I'm not sure how you cope with such a life.
Kelsey Smith-Hammer: You cope by doing it the same way. You cope by becoming a big star, making tons of money so you can buy whatever you need, including friends. You cope by becoming powerful enough so you can create your own world, Eugene!
Eugene Meltsner: I think that's very...sad. To be so young, and so cynical. Couldn't it be argued that by creating your own world, you're actually missing out on the real world? True friendships? True feelings?
Kelsey Smith-Hammer: You're quaint, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: Philosophically speaking, Kelsey, don't you ever wonder what would remain if the artificial world you've created suddenly collapsed? What would you have left?
Kelsey Smith-Hammer: No, Eugene, I don't wonder—I don't want to know.

#278: “The Fifth House on the Left, Part 1”

Connie Kendall: Okay, here goes! <turns on razor> Hair today, gone tomorrow.
Eugene Meltsner: What?!
Connie Kendall: <snickers> Goodbye!

#660: “For the Birds”

Connie Kendall: Well, Katrina saw her name on the disk, so she... uh... took it home with her.
Eugene Meltsner: She took my disk. The disk with my journals, and poems, and undelivered <gulps> letters, to the last person I ever wanted to see them!
Connie Kendall: Yeah... I’m sorry, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: <calmly> Oh, it’s quite alright. If you’ll excuse me, I should go to Katrina’s dorm room and... explain.
Connie Kendall: Yeah, I guess you should....
Eugene Meltsner: ...Good night. <exits and closes door>
Connie Kendall: <sighs> He took that better than I thought.
Eugene Meltsner: WAAAHAHAAHAAAHAAHAHAAHAHHAHAAA!!!!!!!!!!

#267: “It Ended with a Handshake”

Connie Kendall: If anybody else is hiding in a booth, you better let me know right now!
Eugene Meltsner: Boo.
Connie Kendall: Very funny.

#281: “...But Not Forgotten”

Connie Kendall: You are never gonna believe what happened this morning.
Eugene Meltsner: You confused your hairspray with your antiperspirant spray.
Connie Kendall: Like I'd make that mistake twice!

#581: “A Christmas Conundrum”

Judah (b): I want to speak to this servant girl. I've never heard anyone speak the way she does!
Eugene Meltsner: Mathematically, that makes two of us.

#135: “Back to Bethlehem, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: What is this, sir? <reading off the script> I'm a techno geek <uptight>, who wants to be a musician but doesn't have the talent!?!

#218: “A Class Act”

Eugene Meltsner: Pardon me while I shrivel into profuse embarrassment.
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: An amendment: pardon me while I die of embarrassment!

#260: “Naturally, I Assumed...”

Sam Johnson: You think Mr. Riley will lose the election over this?
Eugene Meltsner: I'm afraid he'll lose more than the election, Sam.

#287: “Tom for Mayor, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: I came here to apologize, and apologize I shall. Ahem. Mr. Walton, I'm sorry for being so much like you.
Bernard Walton: What?!
Eugene Meltsner: A stubborn, know-it-all, to borrow the colloquialism.
Bernard Walton: That's an apology!?

#178: “Room Mates”

Eugene Meltsner: <About an electric shock device> I used to do this to my parents when they were dieting. It kept them away from the refrigerator.
Bernard Walton: You must have been a joy to have around as a child.
Eugene Meltsner: Thank you, sir.

#113: “Suspicious Minds”

Tom Riley: Eugene, Eugene, do you know how many gutters I've fixed in my life?
Eugene Meltsner: Uh, no.
Connie Kendall: How many?
Tom Riley: Well, none.

#632: “Suspicious Finds”

Eugene Meltsner: Spontaneous? How do I plan for that?!

#373: “For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: Every theory must be tested. I assumed as a parent I wouldn't be so hot, but it turns out I may be cool.

#712: “Child's Play”

Reverend Andrew Jamison: The salve used on William is a strange mixture of molds, fungus and a mineral derived from the ground in this area. When we dug the tunnel, we found an abundant sampling of the mineral. By itself, it seems to serve no purpose at all.
Eugene Meltsner: Hmm. Does this mineral have a name?
Reverend Andrew Jamison: Well the locals call it <garbled speech> One". I guess <more garbled speech>.
Eugene Meltsner: What? What's going on? <Reverend Andrew is completely unintelligible; the Imagination Station is beginning to short circuit> A power loss? No! Not when I'm so close!

#331: “Checkmate”

Connie Kendall: Oh! I just can't stand to listen anymore.
Eugene Meltsner: Frankly I don't understand why you turned it on in the first place. One doesn't look to Cryin Brian Dern as a reliable source for news and information.
Bernard Walton: Yeah, in fact I don't consider him to be a reliable source for anything. Except stress headaches.

#637: “The Forgotten Deed”

Connie Kendall: Remember that time when I was, like, sixteen and you said I had lack luster mental discernment?
Eugene Meltsner: Yes.
Connie Kendall: I realize now that you were just trying to say you loved me.
Eugene Meltsner: You hit the nail on the proverbial head, dear.

#440: “I Slap Floor”

John Whittaker: For centuries, people have tried to deny Christ's resurrection with lies, much as they try to do now, which is why our faith must be firmly grounded in the Bible. Right, Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: Of course, Mr. Whittaker. The grass may wither and the flower fade, but the word of our God will endure forever.

#357: “The Search for Whit, Part 3”

Eugene Meltsner: Perhaps if we take the phrase word by word?
Jason Whittaker: But... what about the movie?

#355: “The Search for Whit, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: I'm truly sorry, Katrina. I couldn't be more humiliated than if someone had painted my face blue and asked me to appear before a congressional subcommittee.
Unknown: Yeah, and they could have you playin' in a dump like thi—hey, just kidding, folks. Who loves ya, huh?

#362: “The Right Choice, Part 1”

Curt Stevens: There's a girl who won't leave Jimmy alone.
Eugene Meltsner: Ah, a case of harrassment? I believe such things are against the law. Do you want to have her arrested?
Curt Stevens: Could we?!

#117: “The Trouble with Girls”

Eugene Meltsner: Is someone there? I'm Eugene Meltsner. I come in peace. It's alright to talk if you want.

#366: “Solitary Refinement”

Eugene Meltsner: Are you in earnest?
Bernard Walton: No, I'm in a parking lot!

#567: “Two Friends and a Truck”

Connie Kendall: Well, Eugene? What are you gonna do?
Eugene Meltsner: What indeed, Miss Kendall? What indeed?

#212: “The Mortal Coil, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: What? A letter from Mister Whittaker! What is it? A Note? <reading> Dear Eugene, I'm sorry I missed you. We've been trying to find you but I'm afraid we won't be able to before I leave. There's a lot I could say, but time has suddenly become very short. So rather than embarrass you by saying how much I've come to love you and how I will pray for you every day, I'd like to leave you with one simple thought:
John Whittaker: The best is yet to come.

#280: “Gone...”

Connie Kendall: [A car] looks better on the road than a computer!
Eugene Meltsner: I don't ride my computer, Miss Kendall, I ride a bike! They're safe, economical, and healthy.
Connie Kendall: <Annoyed> Oh, right; and you come in all sweaty. Give me an air-conditioned car any day!

#113: “Suspicious Minds”

Eugene Meltsner: "Whoa," indeed!

#415: “Gloobers”

Jason Whittaker: Like who?
Eugene Meltsner: Like whom.
Jason Whittaker: Cut it out.
Eugene Meltsner: Okay.

#355: “The Search for Whit, Part 1”



Katrina

Katrina Meltsner: You called someone who almost has your dad's last name?
Eugene Meltsner: Am I smelling like desperation to you?
Katrina Meltsner: Either that or you need to take out the garbage.

#584: “Dead Ends”

Katrina Meltsner: Oh, I don't think you know what normal is. I am going to start camping out in the backyard if that toaster reprimands me one more time.
Eugene Meltsner: Now actually Katrina, the toaster has been quite polite.
Katrina Meltsner: I think I have been quite polite! Do you hear what that coffeemaker is saying to me?!

#573: “Back to Abnormal”

Eugene Meltsner: Peace and quiet?
Katrina Meltsner: We've never had much of that!

#621: “A New Era, Part 3”

Katrina Meltsner: I have a debilitating disease... <coughs> caused by a rare bacteria disease carried by rats. Rats that were set free from the sewers because you decided not to give a tithe.

#718: “For Three Dollars More”

Olivia Parker: Hi, Mrs. Meltsner.
Katrina Meltsner: Oh, Olivia!
Jay Smouse: And Jay! Jay's here... and pretty much everyone else from class, and a few kids we picked up along the way. And a dog, and my imaginary friend Bob, and...

#700: “How to Sink a Sub”

Joy: Where did God come from?
Katrina Meltsner: That is a very good question. I'll get my Bible and show you.
Joy: Okay! Where did the Bible come from?
Katrina Meltsner: Would you like a pickle cookie?

#712: “Child's Play”

Katrina Shanks: Eugene, it's already sorted out. I'm leaving Odyssey.
Eugene Meltsner: What?!
Katrina Meltsner: I'm going home to be with my family.

#322: “The Turning Point”

Katrina Meltsner: Oh! Ow... Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: What?
Katrina Meltsner: There is a necklace in my nacho!
Eugene Meltsner: You're joking!

#731: “More Than a Feeling”

Katrina Meltsner: I think I pulled a muscle in my brain! How could a girl that age ask so many questions?

#712: “Child's Play”

Katrina Meltsner: He's lost, I just know it! Like the time in Zimbabwe... and the time in Madagascar... and the time in Portugal. Oh, Eugene, where are you?

#571: “For Better or For Worse, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: Well I'm certain things will calm down, my Little Brussel Sprout...
Katrina Meltsner: Oh no, no, no. Keep trying.

#700: “How to Sink a Sub”

Joy: I think she wanted to get away from me. It happens with all my babysitters. I ask too many questions.
Katrina Meltsner: Is there such a thing as too many questions?

#712: “Child's Play”

Katrina Meltsner: There's another bride and groom!
Eugene Meltsner: Do you think they had stand-ins for us? Your mother and Miss Kendall think of everything, you know.
Katrina Meltsner: She's wearing my mother's dress—the one she wanted me to wear! Eugene... we missed our own wedding!

#571: “For Better or For Worse, Part 2”

Katrina Meltsner: I'm happy to answer any questions you have. Well, the ones I can answer.
Joy: Good, because I was wondering, why did God make mosquitoes?

#712: “Child's Play”

Joy: Can we put pickles in the cookies?
Katrina: Pickles?
Joy: I like pickles! I like cookies! Why don't we make pickle cookies?!

#712: “Child's Play”

Eugene Meltsner: Perhaps gophers are like humans. They enjoy something challenging to sink their teeth into.
Katrina Shanks: Just so they don't bite off more than they can chew.

#283: “A Book by Its Cover”

Connie Kendall: Pray that God will bring someone into Eugene's life who will have an impact. Who will penetrate his defenses.
Katrina Shanks: Pray for someone else?
Connie Kendall: Yeah. I'm sorry Katrina, but it won't be you. If I wasn't sure before, I'm sure now. In fact, you're probably getting in the way. Maybe we all are.

#322: “The Turning Point”

Eugene Meltsner: I would humbly suggest to be careful not to jump to any conclusions.
Katrina Shanks: Oh, I’d never count my chickens before they hatched.
Eugene Meltsner: But you might kill two birds with one stone.
Katrina Shanks: Not when a bird in hand is worth two in a bush.
Eugene Meltsner: Unless bird of a feather flock together.
Katrina Shanks: Well, then, I’d be forced to fly the coop.
Eugene Meltsner: There was poultry humor in that remark.
Katrina Shanks: Oh, Eugene, that’s a foul thing to say!
Eugene Meltsner: Well, I was just winging it.

#283: “A Book by Its Cover”

Katrina Shanks: Maybe the problem has been... us. Me... even Whit, Connie, Jack, Whit's End—all of us.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, how so?
Katrina Shanks: We've given you a very safe and reasonable environment, one that doesn't demand anything of you. It's as if you've been inoculated against Christianity, like the flu! You've been given enough of a dose in order to become immune to it. You've had just enough Christianity to become immune to its impact.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, I haven't thought of it that way...but—but I must nervously ask where this conversation is now taking us; you seem to have reached some sort of a conclusion.
Katrina Shanks: Yes, I have. My conclusion is that I need to get out of the way so God can deal with you directly on His own terms. No more comfort, Eugene. No more easy way out. No more hiding behind the faith of the faithful.
Eugene Meltsner: I shudder to think what that means. Are you gonna stop having lunch with me? Are you gonna cease our occasional phone conversations? Are you planning to stay away from Whit's End from now on?
Katrina Shanks: Yes, I am.

#322: “The Turning Point”

Katrina Shanks: I wanna say first that you’d better never talk to me like that again.
Melissa: What?
Katrina Shanks: I don’t care who you are or how you dress or how old you look—that tantrum of yours was worse than a spoiled two-year-old!
Melissa: You can’t—
Katrina Shanks: Be quiet until I’m finished! Second—don’t you ever threaten me or any adult you come in contact with again, you understand? You think you can wreck my career? Well, imagine the quality of your life without a proper education!
Melissa: I—
Katrina Shanks: Now you’re gonna turn around, go back to that classroom, and give me a heartfelt apology. And we’re going to study until you can take that test confidently and never have to resort to childish outbursts to cover for bad grades again!
Melissa: ...Why should I?
Katrina Shanks: Because I’m telling you to! And my guess is that considering your obnoxious attitude, I’m probably the only tutor left in Odyssey who will help you get through school!

#283: “A Book by Its Cover”

Katrina Shanks: Eugene, it's already sorted out. I'm leaving Odyssey.
Eugene Meltsner: What?!
Katrina Meltsner: I'm going home to be with my family.

#322: “The Turning Point”

Connie Kendall: That is depressing! Aren't you depressed?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Well, I wasn't...

#266: “It Began with a Rabbit's Foot”

Eugene Meltsner: You're playing well, Katrina.
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: You're not so bad yourself.

#254: “Truth, Trivia and 'Trina”

Eugene Meltsner: He eats people and their multi million dollar contracts for lunch, and then uses someone like me as a tooth pick!
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Huh?
Eugene Meltsner: I am not your father!

#407: “Malachi's Message, Part 2”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: I was wondering—is it possible to select which memories he gets back? Can we leave some out?
John Whittaker: Leave some out? Why would you want to do that?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Because some are rather bad... the kind I wish he wouldn't ever have to remember. The death of my father... the worry about the wrong people getting their hands on his research... what happened to him that night at the NIH!
John Whittaker: Katrina... you know, even if I could, would you really want me to? God uses our memories, both good and bad, to shape who we are and who we'll become. To get rid of those parts of our life that cause us pain would rob God of one of the ways He works in our lives and hearts. Do you really want Eugene to be less than who he should be?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Of course not. But I love him and if I could spare him the pain of reliving certain memories, I would.

#566: “A Most Extraordinary Conclusion”

Connie Kendall: You wanna know the reason why Tracy and Sam didn't end up together?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: His nose amputation?
Connie Kendall: Because they took their love for granted! Let me guess your routine: You both get home from work. One of you makes dinner while the other does some other household chore. You eat together. You talk about your day. He talks about the atomic weight of tungsten. Then he clears the table, you wash the dishes. Then you're in the laundry room, while he's in the office catching up on some work. Then you both read a book in bed until exactly 10:00 when you go to sleep every night. Am I right?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: We don't always go to sleep at 10:00.
Connie Kendall: Really? Then when?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Anywhere between 10:00 and 10:05.
Connie Kendall: Enjoy your chicken.

#731: “More Than a Feeling”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Did Mr. Skint visit you?
Buck Oliver: I'd rather not talk about him...if you don't mind.

#754: “The Ties That Bind, Part 4”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Leonard!
Leonard Meltsner: You should be on my side, Katrina! You know he's better than this! His mother never would have stood for wasted potential, and you shouldn't either!
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: I don't stand for wasted potential. I happen to believe that what Eugene does is admirable.
Leonard Meltsner: What Eugene does should be a hobby, not a life pursuit.

#607: “The Undeniable Truth”

Jason Whittaker: Do you love him?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Do I love him?
Jason Whittaker: I asked you first!

#336: “Love is in the Air, Part 2”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Now, would you care to explain to me what that tirade was all about?
Connie Kendall: Tirade... it was nothing. Lines from a play I'm working on. It's called, "The Large Foot Pushed Deep into the Mouth."

#260: “Naturally, I Assumed...”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Even though you're obviously jealous...
Eugene Meltsner: I am not jealous!
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: And in denial...
Eugene Meltsner: I am not in denial!

#363: “The Right Choice, Part 2”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: You don't believe in hunches Eugene! If it's not provable by hard numbers you're not persuaded.
Eugene Meltsner: True. But if I've learned anything between the realm of science and belief. It's that sometimes you must walk by faith and not by sight. Something deep inside me tells me we should go upstream.
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: I'm right behind you.

#575: “Prisoners of Fear, Part 2”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Eugene, Connie thinks a kiss hello would be appropriate behavior.
Eugene Meltsner: Connie wants me to kiss her hello?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: No, me.
Eugene Meltsner: She wants you to kiss her hello?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: No, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: We should all kiss hello? One big, sloppy smooch fest?
Bernard Walton: Well, when you put it like that...

#393: “Wrapped Around Your Finger”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Oh, you're back!
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, did I go somewhere?

#620: “A New Era, Part 2”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: There's plenty to be said for getting out of a routine, too, though. The joy of spontaneity!
Eugene Meltsner: Absolutely. Why? Are you bored with me?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Never. I just had a conversation with Connie about keeping the romance in a relationship.
Eugene Meltsner: Ah, Miss Kendall. Of course. She searches for romance in a bag of trail mix.

#731: “More Than a Feeling”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: I'm fine. Although I must admit, i would ask for a break if I wasn't worried about snakes attacking me.
Eugene Meltsner: Well if you see anything threatening, remember Aman gave me a knife.
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: I'm sorry for this. But I'm really having a difficult time imagining you using that knife on anything that wasn't served on a plate in a climate controlled restaurant.

#575: “Prisoners of Fear, Part 2”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: There's only one God. You should trust him with you life and the lives of your village.

#576: “Prisoners of Fear, Part 3”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Eugene, that next branch doesn't look very strong.
Eugene Meltsner: I could never break this branch. You heard what the doctor said about my weight; I practically disappear when I turn sideways!
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Yes, but be careful!

#571: “For Better or For Worse, Part 2”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Eugene! You bought me a ring? Ah! It's perfect!
Eugene Meltsner: I thought you would think so.
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: I have to put it on right away. Here, hold Daddy's ring.

#393: “Wrapped Around Your Finger”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: I asked you to marry me, and you responded by conducting a survey? Why didn't you bring in a census bureau?
Eugene Meltsner: It's an off year for them in this district!

#374: “For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll, Part 3”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: So much for the curse.
Eugene Meltsner: Yes, it appears we've beaten it.

#575: “Prisoners of Fear, Part 2”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Oh, Eugene! I love it! It's wonderful! It's magnificent! It's colossal!
Eugene Meltsner: I thought so, too, which is why it took the proverbial wind out of my sails when your father suddenly came forward with the family ring.
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: I don't care about that, Eugene. I'll wear it on my other hand. This is my engagement ring.

#393: “Wrapped Around Your Finger”

Connie Kendall: You look great, Mrs. Meltsner!
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Thank you! You haven't changed.
Connie Kendall: I don't change. You should know that by now!

#565: “A Most Surprising Answer”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: All right, Meltsner—spill.

#405: “The Graduate”

Eugene Meltsner: So, do we have time for the carnival? One ride on the Tilt 'n' Whirl?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Only if you promise not to scream like a little girl!
Eugene Meltsner: What?! I don't scream! <sounds of Eugene in the Tilt 'n' Whirl screaming>

#684: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 6”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: I was just praying. That you would be here, sitting with me, crying with me, holding my hand. And here you are. The answer to my prayer.

#706: “To Mend or Repair”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: It's like... it's like...
Hans Holstein: Catch the ball!
Eugene Meltsner: No, Hans! Don't throw the— (Ball hits Katrina) Katrina!

#373: “For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: We haven't been to a carnival since-
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: We've never been to a carnival.
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, that was the time...

#684: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 6”

Dr. William Foster: In essence, we're going to convert your brain waves into radio waves so they'll work through the Imagination Station's system, and then convert them back into brain waves so Eugene can receive them.
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Wait a minute, Doctor. That's Eugene's technology.
Tom Riley: Wait, wait. You mean it's the same technology that messed up Eugene's memory in the first place?

#565: “A Most Surprising Answer”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: Yes?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Can you hold me? Just for a little while?
Eugene Meltsner: For as long as you need.

#706: “To Mend or Repair”

Eugene Meltsner: I returned to my room after one of my classes and my dorm room had been burgled!
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Oh, no!
Fred Holstein: Ooh! Did they take much from your cash register?

#309: “The Perfect Witness, Part 1”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Aw, that's sweet.
Tom Riley: Ugh, I'm gonna be sick if it gets any sweeter.
Bernard Walton: I've got a bucket on the porch.

#393: “Wrapped Around Your Finger”

Eugene Meltsner: Pardon me while I shrivel into profuse embarrassment.
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: An amendment: pardon me while I die of embarrassment!

#260: “Naturally, I Assumed...”


Leonard

Eugene Meltsner: You're a homeless person with a brand new car?
Leonard Meltsner: It's a rental. I might have to make a quick exit.

#596: “Cover of Darkness”

Leonard Meltsner: Oh, we're all in our final days, Son. Some of us just have a lot more of them than others.

#621: “A New Era, Part 3”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Leonard!
Leonard Meltsner: You should be on my side, Katrina! You know he's better than this! His mother never would have stood for wasted potential, and you shouldn't either!
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: I don't stand for wasted potential. I happen to believe that what Eugene does is admirable.
Leonard Meltsner: What Eugene does should be a hobby, not a life pursuit.

#607: “The Undeniable Truth”

Leonard Meltsner: You don't... need to search anymore.
Eugene Meltsner: What do you mean?
Leonard Meltsner: I'm your father. I'm Leonard Meltsner!

#595: “A Time for Action, Part 2”

Leonard Meltsner: I see more influence coming from you than God. I believe you've made him into a robot. I will protect my son, Mr. Whittaker.

#607: “The Undeniable Truth”

Eugene Meltsner: So you're saying the process of my finding you was all simple chance?
Leonard Meltsner: You were very lucky.
Eugene Meltsner: I'm sorry Dad, but to believe in that kind of luck takes much more faith than to simply believe that God arrange it all.

#611: “The Top Floor, Part 1”

Leonard Meltsner: Forgiveness... how can I forgive myself?

#620: “A New Era, Part 2”

Leonard Meltsner: I'm proud of you.
Eugene Meltsner: Dad, I've been wanting to hear that for a long time.

#607: “The Undeniable Truth”

Leonard Meltsner: You knew what Dalton could do to you.
John Whittaker: Yes, but I couldn't let Everett and Jason get captured.
Leonard Meltsner: So you realized you could die and you were alright with that?
John Whittaker: Well, I didn't want it to come to that. But if it did, I was ready.

#613: “The Top Floor, Part 3”



Everett