Bassett quotes

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An automatically created list of quotes by the Bassett family.
On this page: Wooton | Wellington | Talia | Winston | Grandpa

Wooton

Wooton Bassett: I love what you've done with the place; it looks like just a regular meeting room in a basement!
Mr. Henderson (b): That's because it is just a meeting room in a basement.

#618: “The Other Side of the Glass, Part 3”

Wooton Bassett: Oh, hi, Connie!
Connie Kendall: Hi Wooton! Did you know that your doorbell rings outside?
Wooton Bassett: Oh sure! That way people will know that it's working. Otherwise, you push the button and it rings somewhere way back in the house and you can't even hear whether or not it rang at all. This way, you know!
Connie Kendall: But how did you hear it inside?
Wooton Bassett: Uh, I didn't. I heard you knock.
Connie Kendall: But....Never mind.

#688: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 10”

Wooton Bassett: Connie! Connie, I really need your help real bad!! <calm> Oh, hi Matthew. How are you?
Matthew Parker: Hi, Wooton.
Wooton Bassett: Hi! <frantic again> Oh, Connie, Connie, listen! Penny is lost in the Hall of Mirrors! I can hear her in there, but I can't find her!!! You gotta help!! Oh, come on, come on, its this way...uh...maybe its over here, I don't know. Oh, come with me either way! Come on!

#684: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 6”

Bernard Walton: Okay... here it is... chocolate gold.
Wooton Bassett: It’s a little squashed.
Bernard Walton: I was practically running a marathon with it.
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, and it's... it’s sweaty.
Bernard Walton: Yeah, salt adds flavor.
Wooton Bassett: Well, there’s gravel in it.
Bernard Walton: I dropped it once! Or, maybe twice.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, that explains the shoe print.

#513: “Do or Diet”

Wooton Bassett: Okay, answering machine message take number 31. Hello, you've reached Wooton Bassett's answering machine. I'm home right now making an answering machine message, but I won't be here when you call, so if you'll kindly leave your number I'll call you back tonight, or maybe not tonight 'cause I have to take the Christmas tree down off my roof. Yes I know it's only May, but some of my neighbors are complaining, you know... <answering machine beeps>
Wooton Bassett: Aw man! Too long again? This is really hard! <phone rings>
Wooton Bassett: Oh! Hello, you've reached Wooton Bassett's ear. If you'll kindly say something then I'll say something back. Beep!

#543: “Nothing But the Half Truth”

Mr. Rose: ...Do you have any idea what time it is?
Wooton Bassett: No, but if you let me punch out with my time card, I can show ya.
Mr. Rose: It's six p.m.
Wooton Bassett: Wow! Shouldn't you be home for dinner?

#472: “Welcoming Wooton”

Grady McKay: Don't get too excited. I'm only coming because of my mom.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, is she coming to church too?
Grady McKay: No, my mom doesn't believe in God. She has to iron.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, as punishment?
Grady McKay: Huh?
Wooton Bassett: Huh?

#585: “The Poor Rich Guy”

Wooton Bassett: February is my seventh favorite month!

#572: “Odyssey Sings!”

Wooton Bassett: Hey, remember how you used to laugh when I crossed my eyes and did this? (Spit kinda noise) Or this? (Car noise) Or how about when we rubbed noses while I went erwanga erwanga, erwanga wanga wanga!!
Talia Bassett: The last time you saw me, I was three months old. So now will you please remove your nose from mine?

#510: “For the Fun of It”

Max Hampton: Grady told me lots of stuff about you. Like that you ride in rodeos!
Wooton Bassett: Oh, yeah, that was an accident. I was looking for the men's room.
Max Hampton: Ha ha. You're pretty funny.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, well, thanks Max. But the cowboy didn't think so.

#604: “Like Father, Like Wooton”

Connie Kendall: Can anyone here play the piano?
Wooton Bassett: Oh sure, I can do that.
Connie Kendall: Can you really?
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, I play for Mrs. Randolph's horse all the time.
Connie Kendall: What?
Wooton Bassett: Well, that's the only way he'll fall asleep.

#515: “B-TV: Behind the Scenes”

Wooton Bassett: Do you see what I see?
Bernard Walton: This is no time for Christmas songs, Wooton!

#616: “The Other Side of the Glass, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: Can I push the button that turns on the little warning lights?!
Tow Truck Driver: Sure, if it's okay with your father.
Bernard Walton: I'm not his father!

#617: “The Other Side of the Glass, Part 2”

Wooton Bassett: I've got 560 box tops in my cupboard! I'm saving up for a yacht!

#624: “Wooing Wooton”

Wooton Bassett: Sorry, I was having a Bassett orange level crisis.

#???: “Welcome to Whit's End”

Wooton Bassett: I know! You're giving up wearing every color but green!

#671: “Fast As I Can”

Wooton Bassett: How was school today, Barrett?
Barrett Jones: It was okay, but I lost a friend.
Wooton Bassett: Uh, did you check your locker?
Barrett Jones: I lost a Club Kid-Chat friend. And I can't figure out who un-friended me.
Wooton Bassett: They didn't tell you?
Barrett Jones: No. I logged in this morning and instead of having 523 friends, I only had 522!

#672: “Opposite Day”

Wooton Bassett: It'll only be a few days, Bernard. Just the weekend, I promise. Come on, what do you say?
Bernard Walton: I say you're expecting too much pepperoni for a pretty small pizza.

#516: “Bassett Hounds”

Liz Horton: I've accepted the fact that I'm not good at anything.
Wooton Bassett: Hey, would it cheer you up if I showed you how I can fit a pair of tongs up my nose?
Liz Horton: Uh, maybe some other time.

#506: “For Trying Out Loud”

Wooton Bassett: Wow, you look lower than my stock in powdered meat!

#573: “Back to Abnormal”

Elaine Washington: Since when did you become a weight guesser?
Wooton Bassett: Since Gus left on his break 15 minutes ago and asked me to cover for him.

#529: “The Mailman Cometh”

Wooton Bassett: This makes the whole paper/plastic conundrum seem like a day at the beach.

#691: “Wooton Knows Best”

Wooton Bassett: Connie is there anything I can do for you? You know, coordinate food, arrange chairs, prepare an igloo?
Connie Kendall: Not right now, but I- An igloo?
Wooton Bassett: It's a tradition in Alaska.

#734: “Life Expectancy, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Who, pray tell, is Maya?
Wooton Bassett: She's part of the great airplane-romance-medical-mystery story!

#738: “The Pilot, Part 2”

Wooton Bassett: Are those Precious Mementos salt and pepper shakers?
Connie Kendall: Yeah.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, cool! I have the matching butter bowls, but I could never find these!

#736: “Life Expectancy, Part 3”

Eugene Meltsner: Egghead, would you please define “intelligence”.
Egghead: Intelligence is the superior ability to acquire and apply knowledge. Notable people of intelligence include Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Plato, and Eugene Meltsner.
Connie Kendall: Oh, brother.
Eugene Meltsner: I didn’t program that! It’s informed through an artificial intelligence program!
Wooton Bassett: Someone once told me that I had artificial intelligence.

#739: “The Launch, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: You're just in time, Hadley! Breakfast is served!
Hadley Bassett: Waffles?
Wooton Bassett: Mmm...kinda. They started off as waffles, but turned into something that looked more like yellow pancakes. Just smother it in syrup and you'll never know the difference.
Hadley Bassett: Thanks.

#753: “The Ties That Bind, Part 3”

Wooton Bassett: Well, to brainstorm would mean I'd have to get into somebody else's head, which would make me feel claustrophobic, or somebody else getting into my head, which would not only be unnerving, but could also cause some serious motion sickness.

#755: “The Ties That Bind, Part 5”

Penny Bassett: It looks just like your old studio, Wooton!
Wooton Bassett: Uh-huh! But without the charred walls and ashes that used to be the things I owned!

#780: “Dinner Roll Models”

Wooton Bassett: (from dunk tank) Penny, will you marry me?
Penny Bassett: Yes!
Connie Kendall: She said yes!
Penny Bassett: But Wooton has to get my family's blessing first!
Wooton Bassett: What? (Penny throws ball and dunks Wooton)

#782: “Let's Get Together”

Penny Bassett: Who is it? Hadley?
Connie Kendall: No.
Penny Bassett: Hugo Wells? Vance King? Richard Maxwell? Mr. Charles? Oh! That creepy guy at Comic Connelsville with the silver tooth and really bad acne?
Connie Kendall: No.
Wooton Bassett: What creepy guy at Comic Connelsville with the silver tooth and really bad acne?

#763: “The Ties That Bind, Part 13”

Connie Kendall: Hey Penny, maybe this isn't the best time. Let's go do something else.
Penny Bassett: No, that's okay! I don't run out on people last minute; especially people who I supposedly care about!
Wooton Bassett: Uh-oh.
Penny Bassett: Hand me another ball, Wooton! The orange one, please.
Wooton Bassett: Sorry, orange ball! Here you go.

#788: “Between the Lines, Part 2”

Penny Bassett: Guys STOP! I don't want to hear anymore expert advice, I'm fine! All I wanted was to eat a nice dinner at a nice place where we could let you know we're getting married and hey, how about YOU BLESS IT!!
Eleanor Wise: You know, I think we should go.
Frank Wise: Yes, we can talk about this at home.
Wooton Bassett: Check please!

#783: “Words from the Wise”

Wooton Bassett: Call who?
Connie Kendall: Don’t ask; he can’t tell you.
Wooton Bassett: Can you tell me?
Jason Whittaker: No.

#827: “Find a Penny, Part 2”

Wooton Bassett: Why did I have to forget my honeymoon? Why couldn’t it just be second grade instead?

#826: “Find a Penny, Part 1”

John Whittaker: I suppose things could be worse.
Jay Smouse: Oh, yeah? Like how? <static electricity sounds>
Wooton Bassett: Uh, oh! What was that?
John Whittaker: Uh, well, the power could go off.
Jay Smouse: Yep, that would be worse alright.
John Whittaker: Don't worry, the, uh, generator should kick in any minute.
Eugene Meltsner: Uh, you mean the generator I've been trying to fix?

#675: “A Thankstaking Story”

Wooton Bassett: I haven't had this much fun since I went shopping cart wrangling in the mall parking lot!

#543: “Nothing But the Half Truth”

Wooton Bassett: Some of my best memories are from being a Boy Scout and doing all those fun "-ing" things—boating, camping, rafting, hiking, falling, hurting, bleeding, and yelling for help. It was the most fun I've ever had!

#563: “Tuesdays with Wooton”

Connie Kendall: Thanks, Wooton!
Wooton Bassett: You're welcome, now shoo!

#472: “Welcoming Wooton”

Wooton Bassett: Talia! Breakfast is ready! <banging gong>
Talia Bassett: Really, Uncle Wooton, is all that racket necessary?
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, it's a breakfast gong.
Talia Bassett: A souvenir from overseas?
Wooton Bassett: Nope, Gongs'R'Us.

#510: “For the Fun of It”

Wooton Bassett: <being interviewed by Trent DeWhite on Kids' Radio> I was riding down a ski slope on my tricycle, which is something I wouldn't recommend to all you kids at home...

#599: “Blood, Sweat, and Fears”

Wooton Bassett: Just think how weird that would be, Power Boy symbols showin' up here and there and...
Bernard Walton: Hey, wait a minute, pause! Symbols? I thought you said there was only one for help.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, no, there's a lot. Let's see, there's "Heeelllp!!" as you know and there's "Don't look up" and "Be wary of the purple lizards" and "Warning: Arch nemesis in crystallic fusion dormancy" and there's...
Bernard Walton: I get the idea.
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, there's 121 in all.

#616: “The Other Side of the Glass, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: My name is Wooton, by the way.
Joseph Fredrick Corelli: That's a funny name.
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, I know. It's Old English for "village by the wood."
Joseph Fredrick Corelli: Your parents were Old English?
Wooton Bassett: No, they were just old.

#617: “The Other Side of the Glass, Part 2”

Connie Kendall: What was that all about, Wooton?
Wooton Bassett: I don't know, but I think I'm in like!

#624: “Wooing Wooton”

Wooton Bassett: Are you still doing Club Kid-Chat?
Barrett Jones: Yeah. I posted an update this morning saying that I felt kinda down.
Wooton Bassett: Wow. Any responses yet?
Barrett Jones: Four. One suggesting a self-help book, one asking who I was, one telling me to meditate more and one saying that I could earn $80,000 a year working from home!

#672: “Opposite Day”

Bernard Walton: Does your Grandpa live very far away?
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, he does if you're driving.
Bernard Walton: Well, then, we'll have to take turns at the wheel.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, okay, but I don't think the airline pilots are going to like that.

#516: “Bassett Hounds”

Ted Humpfries: Wooton Bassett, also from Odyssey and personally involved in the case, gave us his take on the verdict.
Wooton Bassett: Thanks Ted. Did you see the size of the judge's gavel? That thing was huge! I'd love to have one of those at home.
Ted Humpfries: About the verdict?
Wooton Bassett: Oh yeah, the verdict. That was a good call, and the jury foreman had good diction when he read it out. Very Shakespearean.

#692: “A Penny Saved”

Olivia Parker: So, what chapter in 1 Corinthians is that?
Wooton Bassett: Thirteen. You see, a lot of the verses and phrases in there are sort of... Hey, Legos! Can you excuse me a minute? Can I play?

#691: “Wooton Knows Best”

Wooton Bassett: The point is, Olivia, that sometimes we have to try to be understanding even if we don't understand what we're supposed to be understanding about. Understand?
Olivia Parker: I...actually, that makes sense.
Wooton Bassett: Thanks a lot.

#694: “Anger Mismanagement”

Penny Bassett: You've been praying?
Connie Kendall: Yes! Haven't you?
Penny Bassett: Well, sure, but I didn't know everybody was in on it.
Wooton Bassett: That's one thing you can be sure everybody's in on. The praying I mean.

#697: “A Penny Earned”

Liz Horton: So, what are you good at?
Wooton Bassett: Well, I'm glad you asked! Hand me that pair of tongs!

#506: “For Trying Out Loud”

Wooton Bassett: Step right up to Wooton the weight guesser! If I get it right, you'll be amazed... so will I... if I get it wrong, you win a prize!

#529: “The Mailman Cometh”

Wooton Bassett: The adventures of Captain Absolutely! Defender of Truth, Justice, and a lot more truuuuuuuuuuuuth!!!!!

#726: “Push the Red Button”

Wooton Bassett: The adventures of Captain Absolutely! Defender of Truth, Justice, and a lot more truuuuuuuuuuuuth!!!!!

#???: “Push the Red Button (Live)”

Bart Rathbone: And what does a roasting pan have to do with Christ'a'mas?
Wooton Bassett: Oh, you know you see, I'm using it to show that even though the world is full of sin, and dirty car parts and roasting pans that God still sent his son to us in the middle of it cause he loves us an stuff and that's why we celebrate Christmas. Besides won't it look great when the lights are turned on?

#480: “The Popsicle Kid”

Wooton Bassett: Mrs. Mitch is a mis-match!?!?!

#714: “Something Old, Something New, Part 2”

Bill Kendall: (To Connie about Jules) She's my daughter.
Penny Bassett: {pause} I'll go see if anything's burning in the kitchen.
Wooton Bassett: I don't smell anything.
Penny Bassett: Wooton...come on!!!

#735: “Life Expectancy, Part 2”

Wooton Bassett: Oh, and say hi to Jason for me.
John Whittaker: I will. What?!
Wooton Bassett: Oops.

#724: “Home Again, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: Oh, sure! It's all part of the grieving process! Sobbing behind a linoleum display is recommended therapy.

#738: “The Pilot, Part 2”

Connie Kendall: Maybe we should wait until I fix a few things [on the video]
Wooton Bassett: Oh! We can ask for changes? Sweet! I love doing that! Can you redo everything in a sepia tone?
Connie Kendall: You haven't even seen it yet!
Wooton Bassett: I love sepia.
Connie Kendall: See? This is an example of having too many cooks in the kitchen!
Eugene Meltsner: Since we're all here now, perhaps I might demonstrate a new invention for you?
Wooton Bassett: Ooh! Is it sepia tone?

#739: “The Launch, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: Stick out your tongue, Mosie. Oh, yeah, better. I mean it would be hard not to look better when you’re recovering from a wooden tongue.

#740: “The Launch, Part 2”

Wooton Bassett: It's better for me not to say. The ears have walls.

#751: “The Ties That Bind, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: Sometimes my tongue moves before my brain wakes up.

#745: “Like a Good Neighbor”

Wooton Bassett: They're gonna have a bouncy house—with no age or weight restrictions! Woo-hoo!

#628: “The Highest Stakes, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: No one has ever beaten my record of thirty-one slides in fifteen minutes!
Samantha McKay: Really?
Wooton Bassett: Of course, nobody else has sprayed cooking oil on their pants either.

#629: “The Highest Stakes, Part 2”

Wooton Bassett: Do you hear that Perilous Pen? No snooping around!
Hadley Bassett: You realize you've now challenged the Perilous Pen to find out more?
Wooton Bassett: I did? Uh-oh. Is it to late to retract that?
Hadley Bassett: Yes!
Wooton Bassett: Oops.

#753: “The Ties That Bind, Part 3”

Wooton Bassett: Penny, will you marry me?
Penny Bassett: WHAAAAAAAAAT!?

#764: “The Ties That Bind, Part 14”

Wooton Bassett: May I see your ticket please?

#690: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 12”

Wooton Bassett: Well didn't you decide to write this book to show what Odyssey really is? A small town with pleasant people, nice shops, and an unbelievable postal service?
Connie Kendall: Well, about that, I sent a letter across town last month and it took two weeks to get there!
Wooton Bassett: Like I said... unbelievable!!

#604: “Like Father, Like Wooton”

Wooton Bassett: You know, I once met a man who was wearing the same exact shirt as me, and he stole my backgammon board.

#689: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 11”

Wooton Bassett: Hoot! Holler! Hoot! Holler!
Connie Kendall: Wooton, what are you doing?
Wooton Bassett: Uh, some not too tragic tragedy has happened!

#513: “Do or Diet”

Wooton Bassett: According to my calculations I've told seven half truths today and that equals three and a half lies.

#543: “Nothing But the Half Truth”

Wooton Bassett: Oh yeah, county not country. I always get those mixed up, which is why I always go on those weekend trips to Switzerland by accident.

#640: “Rights, Wrongs, and Winners”

Talia Bassett: You just offered me a completely repulsive jellybean-and-corn-chip casserole, but you don't allow caffeine?
Wooton Bassett: Nope! Caffeine'll kill ya. The last time I drank it I started talking so fast I almost swallowed my tongue.

#510: “For the Fun of It”

Wooton Bassett: Yeah, I'm bananas about licorice.

#624: “Wooing Wooton”

Wooton Bassett: And Texas is a huge country!

#???: “B-TV: Live!”

Eugene Meltsner: Specifically, I wish to curb my desire to exhibit my perspicacity.
Wooton Bassett: Have you tried deodorant?

#671: “Fast As I Can”

John Whittaker: So, what do you think upset Penny?
Wooton Bassett: Well, it had to be the lack of raspberry sodas in the vending machine in the court house.

#692: “A Penny Saved”

Connie Kendall: So what are you gonna do with all these confused feelings while Penny figures things out?
Wooton Bassett: I'm gonna wait and silence my body language.
Connie Kendall: How are you gonna do that?
Wooton Bassett: Oh, I'm thinking about wearing a space suit whenever I'm around her.

#702: “Childish Things”

Mrs. Kramer: The package was supposed to be here yesterday, Wooton. Uh-huh, yesterday, as in, the day before today.
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, Mrs. Kramer, but you know I can only deliver what they give to me, when they give it to me.
Mrs. Kramer: Uh huh. Well, I'm onto your game.
Wooton Bassett: Huh?
Mrs. Kramer: You see, I saw that exposé about the post office on TV last night. You've probably buried it in your basement because you were too lazy to deliver it.
Wooton Bassett: Trust me, Mrs. Kramer. I am way too lazy to be digging a big hole in my basement.

#694: “Anger Mismanagement”

Wooton Bassett: A two-hour conversation about socks can say "I love you" just as much as... well, saying "I love you."

#487: “Plan B, Part 4: Resistance”

Wooton Bassett: I'm as ready as a totally unprepared person could ever be!

#726: “Push the Red Button”

Wooton Bassett: Who wants to see me make a chocolate milkshake in less than a minute without using my hands?
Alex Jefferson: I do!
Wooton Bassett: Ok, here goes. <breathes heavily> Alex! Make me a milkshake and make it fast!

#472: “Welcoming Wooton”

Connie Kendall: Okay, I just met this woman who talks more than anyone I ever met!
Wooton Bassett: Oh, have you ever met--oh, wait a second, You're her!

#610: “Hear Me, Hear Me”

Bart Rathbone: You and your yard are an embarrassment to the whole neighborhood. This place is an eyesore. And everybody but you knows it.
Wooton Bassett: Whoah. Everybody? Yeah, but I haven't heard anything from anyone else.
Bart Rathbone: That's because I'm the only one around here, who doesn't have a problem with hurting other people's feelings. This is the ugliest Christ'a'mas display in the history of Odyssey and everybody agrees. I'm gonna prove it. I will prove it to ya!

#480: “The Popsicle Kid”

Wooton Bassett: Hey, did you see that grape juice is on sale? It's supposed to improve your memory.
Mrs. Hampton: Yeah, you know, I think I've heard that somewhere before.
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, well, see, if you drank your grape juice you'd remember exactly where!

#563: “Tuesdays with Wooton”

Wooton Bassett: I'm as ready as a totally unprepared person could ever be!

#???: “Push the Red Button (Live)”

Wooton Bassett: [tearfully] Oh, pass me another tissue!
Eugene Meltsner: You're holding the box.
Wooton Bassett: I know!

#738: “The Pilot, Part 2”

Wooton Bassett: Jeff! I thought there was going to be romance in this story!

#737: “The Pilot, Part 1”

Jules Kendall: What are you guys doing here?
Penny Bassett: Wooton is into all this comic stuff, and I'm into stuff that Wooton is into.
Wooton Bassett: Aw, Penny, that's sweet.

#751: “The Ties That Bind, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: Oh sure, go right ahead. Just be careful in the rec room. I'm not sure if the oatmeal's congealed yet.

#629: “The Highest Stakes, Part 2”

Wooton Bassett: Penny, quick! Call 911!
Penny Bassett: Okay! What's the number?

#755: “The Ties That Bind, Part 5”

Wooton Bassett: Now my friends, making marshmallows DISAPPEAR! Connie, I believe you'll find some in your purse.
Connie Kendall: Uhh... Nope!
Wooton Bassett: You didn't? WOW! I'm good!!!!!

#720: “Happy Hunting”

Wooton Bassett: Wow. A self-tucker. I respect that.

#573: “Back to Abnormal”

Leonard Corelli: Unless this fellow is your legal counsel, then I have to ask you to restrain him.
Bernard Walton: <scoffs> When you figure that out, let me know!
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, me too.

#617: “The Other Side of the Glass, Part 2”

John Whittaker: Where's the cooler?
Eugene Meltsner: Don't tell me you knocked it over the side.
Wooton Bassett: OK, I won't tell you, but your tuna salad a sleeping with the fishes.

#849: “Out to Sea”

Wooton Bassett: You know, a friend of mine in Alaska had a bunker just like this one.
Connie Kendall: That's great! So how do we get out?
Wooton Bassett: Oh, we can't. That door is the only door in or out. Would you please pass the potato chips, Penny?

#689: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 11”

Wooton Bassett: <to the tune of "Camp-town Races"> Hello who's on Wooton's phone, howdy, howdy!

#640: “Rights, Wrongs, and Winners”

Wooton Bassett: Let me help you with your luggage. Then I've got a surprise for you in the car.
Bradford: A surprise? Oh, I do hope it's not a pony again, sir.
Wooton Bassett: Not unless ponies come in cans. <snorts>

#510: “For the Fun of It”

Wooton Bassett: You look kind of like Powerboy did after he got locked in the Tweezers of Doom.
Marvin Washington: I do?
Wooton Bassett: Sure. Except you still have your eyebrows.

#558: “A Glass Darkly”

Wooton Bassett: You see, I have this policy.
Victoria Jamison: I know, you told me. No Latin at the breakfast table.

#624: “Wooing Wooton”

Eugene Meltsner: Last week you made a less than succinct argument that I might be overly...uh...
Connie Kendall: Obnoxious?
Matthew Parker: Brilliant?
John Whittaker: Committed?
Wooton Bassett: Rectangular?!
Connie Kendall: Wordy?
Wooton Bassett: Maladjusted to the elevation!

#671: “Fast As I Can”

Wooton Bassett: Our cast included Will Ryan as Eugene, Katie Leigh as Connie, Andre Stojka as Whit, and Jess Harnell as... No, that can't be right.

#669: “Wooton's Broken Pencil Show”

Bernard Walton: There's two of you?
Wooton Bassett: Uh-huh.
Bernard Walton: You'd think there'd be a limit.

#516: “Bassett Hounds”

Wooton Bassett: I have left more messages than I had words to say in them. Which means there's a lot of dead air on her voice mail.

#692: “A Penny Saved”

Penny Bassett: Connie!
Wooton Bassett: Ah! I haven't had time to change!

#702: “Childish Things”

Connie Kendall: I don't know how Wooton does it. He didn't leave until midnight, and he said he had to be up at four. He must be exhausted, too.
Wooton Bassett: Good morning! How's everybody doing today?
Connie Kendall: I hate him.

#697: “A Penny Earned”

Liz Horton: So, why are you always in a good mood? Being bad at everything makes me miserable.
Wooton Bassett: Well, I, uh, I try to remember that we're all good at something. I mean, God puts talent in everybody. It's kind of His job.

#506: “For Trying Out Loud”

Bart Rathbone: I'm here on official business, not a social call.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, official business? Wow, should I put on a tie?
Bart Rathbone: Nah, that won't be necessarial.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, that's good, cause I don't have a tie.

#480: “The Popsicle Kid”

Connie Kendall: Oh, I get it. You wanna talk about Penny.
Wooton Bassett: Uh...Penny?
Connie Kendall: Yeah, right. You're smitten, aren't you?
Wooton Bassett: Uh, uh...smitten. Isn't that some sort of fuzzy glove-ware?

#685: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 7”

Penny Bassett: What else?
Connie Kendall: Discount coupons. Magazines.
Penny Bassett: Good.
Connie Kendall: Moose.
Wooton Bassett: Hair, chocolate, or Alaskan?
Connie Kendall: Hair.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, we could never be.

#713: “Something Old, Something New, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: OK, kids, that's it for this week. Make sure you come next Sunday because it's really going to be cool! We're recreating Israel's battle against the Amalekites in play-dough!

#691: “Wooton Knows Best”

Wooton Bassett: You didn't say this was an airplane, romance and sick baby adventure. I don't like sick baby stories.

#737: “The Pilot, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: So, you searched the hut, you found the medicine and now we can move on from the sick people part of the story and back to the airplanes and the romance?
Jeff Lewis: Sorry, no.
Wooton Bassett: I should have stayed on the porch with the potted plant.
Eugene Meltsner: Beg your pardon?

#738: “The Pilot, Part 2”

Connie Kendall: So why might you be depressed?
Wooton Bassett: Well, I just finished the latest issue of Powerboy and it was the one where he finally faced the three-eyed fish monster but it ended with him strapped in Dr. Ichobodia's torture chair and his power suit was disabled and he had no way to contact headquarters. I don't know how he'll ever get out of it.
Connie Kendall: So that's why you're depressed?
Wooton Bassett: Oh my brain hurts just thinking about it.

#551: “Stars in Our Eyes”

Wooton Bassett: Thanks for stopping by, generic fan person in the expendable red shirt!

#754: “The Ties That Bind, Part 4”

Wooton Bassett: The Perilous Pen is in everywhere!

#751: “The Ties That Bind, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: You know, I've always found that running along the top of a train gives me inspiration.
Jason Whittaker: Good, then that's what I'll do. See ya.

#690: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 12”

Grady McKay: I'd rather be like you.
Wooton Bassett: Oh...an out-of-shape mailman who decorates with leftover garage sale items?

#629: “The Highest Stakes, Part 2”

Wooton Bassett: Where did her eyes go? Find her eyes!!!!!

#720: “Happy Hunting”

Connie Kendall: So he's pretending to be a boy scout?
Wooton Bassett: Yes. And I'm pretty sure that's a a federal offense, too!

#563: “Tuesdays with Wooton”

Bernard Walton: Who are you? Really?
Wooton Bassett: I dunno.

#616: “The Other Side of the Glass, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: Kick the door down! It's always cooler when they kick the door down.

#618: “The Other Side of the Glass, Part 3”

Wooton Bassett: I know! This is a job for Captain Absolutely!
Connie Kendall: No, it isn't.
Wooton Bassett: Alright.

#689: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 11”

Wooton Bassett: I don't even know how to play golf!
Wellington Bassett: Fake it.
Wooton Bassett: Well, how do you fake playing golf? Either you get it in the clown's mouth or you don't!

#543: “Nothing But the Half Truth”

Wooton Bassett: Actually, a whole bunch of characters in the comic are based on real people in Odyssey. Like there's this one character, oh, she's always late for stuff and she talks all the time and she says stuff she doesn't mean.
Connie Kendall: Who's she based on?
Wooton Bassett: Uh, oh, she's also really good-looking and, uh, very cool.

#640: “Rights, Wrongs, and Winners”

Wooton Bassett: Come on, climb over this net!
Talia Bassett: Okay—net? Why is there a net in the forest?
Wooton Bassett: Oh, probably some careless fisherman?

#510: “For the Fun of It”

Wooton Bassett: The buffet's not working for ya?
Bernard Walton: That's not a buffet, it's dirt on crackers.

#516: “Bassett Hounds”

Wooton Bassett: Just say the word and we'll go.
Connie Kendall: Hurry!
Wooton Bassett: That was it.

#692: “A Penny Saved”

Unknown: Was that supposed to be scary?
Wooton Bassett: Uh, not really. Here, eat some marshmallows.

#691: “Wooton Knows Best”

Connie Kendall: Take Eugene and Wooton. They're afraid to be seen by you by fear that you'll misread their expressions and gestures.
Penny Bassett: They are?
Connie Kendall: Isn't that right, Eugene?
Eugene Meltsner: The word fear may be extreme. Anxious, nervous, disconcerted, discomforted, annoyed, vexed. Any of those are better words.
Connie Kendall: Whatever. Wooton?
Wooton Bassett: No, I think fear sounds perfect.

#702: “Childish Things”

Wooton Bassett: So what do you think of car alarms, Harlow?
Harlow Doyle: I don't belong to that group.

#669: “Wooton's Broken Pencil Show”

Winston Bassett: I want you to represent the family... and your brother is in Paris.
Wooton Bassett: Ooh, la la.
Winston Bassett: Yes, believe you me, you were not my first choice.

#624: “Wooing Wooton”

Shakespeare: The place is packed!
Edwin Blackgaard: A full house!
Wooton Bassett: Oh, wow! And my first performance! Oh, no! I think I'm getting sick! Okay, good thoughts. Lime jello. Carborators. Fresh stick anti-perspirant. Ant farms. Sea monkeys. Cheese.

#506: “For Trying Out Loud”

Wooton Bassett: Well, I think it's to make us realize how good things are when we're not suffering.
Connie Kendall: Really?
Wooton Bassett: Sure. It's like, you know when you've been swimming, and you get out and your eyes burn. And you feel kind of cold and half wet and half dry and your bathing suit sticks to your skin. And then you have a nice hot shower and you get into dry clothes and you feel all cozy and comfortable.
Connie Kendall: Yeah.
Wooton Bassett: Well, you couldn't really appreciate the feeling of being cozy and comfortable unless you felt uncozy and uncomfortable first.
Connie Kendall: That's such a Wooton-like answer.

#736: “Life Expectancy, Part 3”

Marvin Washington: Well, by the time the generator was fixed, everybody had kind of moved away from the gazebo. I guess their ears hurt or something. And so we ended up playing our last set for Aubrey and her grandfather. He seemed to like it.
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, uh, he had his hearing aid turned down.

#559: “The Coolest Dog”

Connie Kendall: I have enough comic characters in my life already, Wooton.
Wooton Bassett: There's no such thing!

#751: “The Ties That Bind, Part 1”

Grady McKay: Okay, so how do we do this? What do we need? Water? Do I have to shave my head or something?
Wooton Bassett: Oh, well, I mean... you can if you want, but it's not required, and praying won't give you razor burn.

#629: “The Highest Stakes, Part 2”

Wooton Bassett: Let me ask you something. Who would you rather be Rodney Rathbone or Colby Cabrera?
Colby Cabrera: Well, myself, of course.
Wooton Bassett: Then that's who you should be. You know you can't stop being yourself because you get made fun of. I didn't stop being myself and look where it got me. Oh, maybe that's a bad illustration.

#480: “The Popsicle Kid”

Bernard Walton: Don't call me Holmes.
Wooton Bassett: OK. How about if I call you "homie"?

#616: “The Other Side of the Glass, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: What is that on the floor?!!
John Whittaker: My foot.

#558: “A Glass Darkly”

Wooton Bassett: <nervously> Stop in the name of the law!

#618: “The Other Side of the Glass, Part 3”

Wooton Bassett: I think I have what Powerboy would call a solution that would stand up to a diamond-lined bowling ball.

#640: “Rights, Wrongs, and Winners”

Connie Kendall: Do you think God has called you to preach?
Wooton Bassett: Oh, I don't know; let me check my messages.

#???: “B-TV: Live!”

Matthew Parker: Hey, maybe Wooton knows.
Wooton Bassett: Wow! Well, I never did before, but there's a first time for everything. What is it?

#660: “For the Birds”

Wooton Bassett: Of course we notice you, Connie. But right now you look a lot like a gingerbread cookie to me.

#671: “Fast As I Can”

Jebidiah Skint: Maybe I was being too hasty Mr. Dosh. Draw your weapon, please.
Mr. Dosh: Sure.
Penny Bassett: I can draw weapons.
Wooton Bassett: That wouldn't be a water pistol would it?
Mr. Dosh: Fraid not.

#689: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 11”

Unknown: Oh yes. And you testified against Dr. Trask too.
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, but that was only because he kidnapped me and locked me in a train car with the counterfeit money. But I got out when the train crashed!

#692: “A Penny Saved”

Connie Kendall: I can see it in your eyes, Wooton. You've already got the symptoms. I bet you had a hard time falling asleep last night 'cause you were thinking about her. You didn't have breakfast this morning because for some reason you lost your appetite. You've been talking about her even to total strangers. You can't concentrate on anything. You're anxious that she doesn't feel the same way you do. And finally, you delivered the mail early because you want me to find out if she feels the same way as you.
Wooton Bassett: That's amazing, Connie. That's uncanny. It's like you're living in a refrigerator box in an invisible park of my mind. Which is really sort of creepy when you think about it.

#685: “The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 7”

Wooton Bassett: This is my unenlightened friend, Connie.

#624: “Wooing Wooton”

Penny Bassett: Wooton, can I ask you a question?
Wooton Bassett: Penny, if it's "will you marry me?", then it's a yes. If it's "would you like to perform an emergency appendectomy on me?", then it's a no.
Penny Bassett: It's not either.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, that's too bad. I've never gotten to refuse performing an emergency appendectomy on someone.

#???: “Push the Red Button (Live)”

Connie Kendall: You really... you really took a lot of time out of your day to hang out with me. Thanks, Wooton.
Wooton Bassett: Oh... oh, don't thank me. Thank all the people on my route that are gonna get their mail at ten o'clock tonight.

#487: “Plan B, Part 4: Resistance”

Wooton Bassett: "We"? I heard him say "we" and he wasn't speaking French!

#738: “The Pilot, Part 2”

Wooton Bassett: <Singing to the theme music of the blood drive interviews on Kids' Radio> It's the Trent Shoooowwww! It's Trent's show! It's not your show!

#599: “Blood, Sweat, and Fears”

Wooton Bassett: Wait! Back to our dramatic news insert! <News insert music plays> Siege at Whit's End!

#669: “Wooton's Broken Pencil Show”

Wooton Bassett: It's almost impossible to answer questions about things like suffering when they’re in the midst of suffering. That's like trying to explain the nature of water to someone who's drowning.
Connie Kendall: You've got a lot of water metaphors going on today.
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, I'm in a rather aquatic mood. When someone's drowning or in pain it's better to help them and show them love than to talk a lot, I think. Though come to think of it, I'm doing a lot of talking right now when I should be taking you to Putter's Miniature Golf.

#736: “Life Expectancy, Part 3”

Barrett Jones: Are you a cloud?
Wooton Bassett: Nope. Try again.
Barrett Jones: An inside out sheep?
Wooton Bassett: Nope, I'm mashed potatoes.
Barrett Jones: I get it, but I don't get why.
Wooton Bassett: Well, it's Mailman Spirit Week. Today is Dress Like Your Favorite Vegetable Day. I really struggled between mashed potatoes and stuffed tomatoes. But surprisingly a tomato is actually a fruit. Go figure. Wonder what it would be like in a pie.

#672: “Opposite Day”

Penny Bassett: Maybe we should help [Hadley].
Wooton Bassett: <wearily> Why? It sounds like he's breaking everything just fine on his own.

#754: “The Ties That Bind, Part 4”

Tamika Washington: Do you hear that awful noise out there?
Wooton Bassett: Oh, that only sounds awful; it's, ah...alternatively gonna sweep the nation!
Tamika Washington: Are you serious?
Wooton Bassett: Uh, as serious as I am when I say that Marvin is gonna see this tape?

#559: “The Coolest Dog”

Wooton Bassett: You know, this is really cool, Grady; and here I thought finally getting a ten-pronged fork in the mail was gonna be the highlight of my day!
Grady McKay: So... this is better, huh?
Wooton Bassett: Yeah. This is the best, Grady.

#629: “The Highest Stakes, Part 2”

Wooton Bassett: Whoa, is that the price or the phone number for the shop, do these boots have heels made of gold?
Penny Bassett: I had a rough day!
Wooton Bassett: I guess!

#720: “Happy Hunting”

Wooton Bassett: Oh yeah, this guy came by my house last week talking about how they're [windows] great for the winter. He was a really good salesman! I bought five, which is really funny because I only have four holes in my house to put them in.

#616: “The Other Side of the Glass, Part 1”

Grady McKay: How'd you rip your pants?
Wooton Bassett: Oh, you know, just living by the mailman motto.
Grady McKay: The one about rain, sleet, and snow?
Wooton Bassett: No, no, the other one: Another day, another dog bite.

#563: “Tuesdays with Wooton”

Wooton Bassett: He was a Great Horned Owl named Doctor What.
David Parker: Doctor... what?
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, exactly. Doctor Who would have been a better name, but I think it’s trademarked.

#660: “For the Birds”

Wooton Bassett: And for all those folks who have never heard a game on the radio before. Let me just give you a preview of what it'll sound like.
John Whittaker: What were those sounds at the end?
Wooton Bassett: Ah well you see the ball left the field, and hit the blades of a passing traffic helicopter, and so the ball got flung three miles and landed in the lion cage at the zoo. The mother lion was not that happy. Oh I'm really hoping something like that happens, Whit!

#659: “Target of the Week”

Wooton Bassett: Sorry 'bout that, Whit. I had to prove I could blow a bubble bigger than my head and the copier was broken.

#510: “For the Fun of It”

Wooton Bassett: He's always playing games like that. Once when we were little, he told me I was adopted, and I believed him for a year!
Bernard Walton: But... that's ridiculous! You're twins!
Wooton Bassett: <snorts> Yeah, I know. That's why I only believed him for a year.

#516: “Bassett Hounds”

Connie Kendall: Well, we have to find a way to help her.
Wooton Bassett: You mean find a way to find her so that we can then find a way to help her.
Connie Kendall: Oh, stop that.
Wooton Bassett: I'm only using frivolous humor to mask my deep, unbridled worry for her.
Connie Kendall: Really? Good mask.
Wooton Bassett: Thanks.

#692: “A Penny Saved”

Wooton Bassett: First my yard wins most original because of you, and now your car. I guess it's been confirmed twice then.
Colby Cabrera: What has?
Wooton Bassett: There's no doubt about it, Colby: you're an original.

#480: “The Popsicle Kid”

Wooton Bassett: She's like gold stitching on the dressing gown of reality...
John Whittaker: Ahh...
Wooton Bassett: She's like winter tires on the car-
John Whittaker: Umm, Wooton...

#???: “Push the Red Button (Live)”

Wooton Bassett: I got it now! Oh! Me pardon that repeat you could...!

#506: “For Trying Out Loud”

Harlow Doyle: Hello! Harlow Doyle Here!
Wooton Bassett: Hi, Harlow Doyle Here!

#669: “Wooton's Broken Pencil Show”

Wooton Bassett: I've become a verb here in Odyssey.
Carson McKay: A what?
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, if a kid is being silly, his parents tell them to quit 'Wooton' around!

#628: “The Highest Stakes, Part 1”

John Whittaker: It's not safe to go in the water!
Eugene Meltsner: It's shark-infested!
Wooton Bassett: Sweet! Just like Shark Month on TV, and a lot like the members of my family who started circling after Grandpa Bassett died.

#849: “Out to Sea”

Connie Kendall: Wooton, why'd you just hit a pot with a fork?
Wooton Bassett: This house doesn't have a high ceiling for my breakfast gong, it's in storage.
Eugene Meltsner: But you once said that you couldn't possibly have breakfast without that instrument.
Wooton Bassett: I can't, Eugene. That's why I'm having 2 lunches everyday.

#640: “Rights, Wrongs, and Winners”

Wooton Bassett: It's not that we don't make sense, it's that we have a different way of looking at things that do make sense.

#516: “Bassett Hounds”

Don Polehaus: I've seen it happen more times than Wooton can count.
Wooton Bassett: Six?
Don Polehaus: Exactly.

#692: “A Penny Saved”

Wooton Bassett: So you mean I can't get the solider shaped like a bird?

#624: “Wooing Wooton”

Wooton Bassett: Yeah, and I may be able to find an air freshener that smells like bacon!!!...or not!

#738: “The Pilot, Part 2”

Eugene Meltsner: I wear spectacles!
Wooton Bassett: And I'm buying sunglasses!

#702: “Childish Things”

Connie Kendall: Fruits and vegetables, remember?
Wooton Bassett: Oh, Connie, I had a cherry on my hot fudge sundae! FRUIT!

#513: “Do or Diet”

Wooton Bassett: I fasted using verbs once. There was very little action that day.

#671: “Fast As I Can”

Austin O'Conner: Wooton, what's with the flamingo in the stable?
Wooton Bassett: Oh, she's not a flamingo anymore, Austin. Not since I painted her anyway. She's a cow.

#480: “The Popsicle Kid”

Talia Bassett: Horse is a dog?
Wooton Bassett: Yep! Is there somethin' wrong?
Talia Bassett: Well, it's just that I was sort of expecting a horse.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, no, y'know, she's got two dogs; the other one is named Dog and she didn't wanna mix 'em up.

#510: “For the Fun of It”

Wooton Bassett: Hey, look at that! You've framed the picture I drew of Grandma.
Grandpa Bassett: I've always favored that piece; it's the only picture I have of your grandma wearing a cape.

#516: “Bassett Hounds”

Wooton Bassett: Well, I don't even know that much about baseball and more than that I don't really like baseball.
John Whittaker: What?
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, I mean, not everything about baseball.. Just the parts of the game when nothing is really happening.. Which if you think about in a three hour game is about... Oh, three hours.

#659: “Target of the Week”

Wooton Bassett: But—b-b-but—
Penny Bassett: Stammering isn't good either!
Wooton Bassett: Mm-mm mm-mm!

#702: “Childish Things”

Victoria Jamison: I don't know many people like you.
Wooton Bassett: Not many people know somebody like me.

#624: “Wooing Wooton”

John Whittaker: Uh, Matthew.. It's a little cool out for bare feet, don't you think?
Wooton Bassett: Oh Wow! Are you on the "no shoe diet" too?! You know it really works! I lost 17 oz. immediately after I took off my shoes but I put all the weight right back on.

#659: “Target of the Week”

John Whittaker: So, what's everyone having?
Connie Kendall: My usual.
Don Polehaus: I'll have my usual too.
Wooton Bassett: And I'll have both their usuals with extra whipped cream and a side of licorice.

#692: “A Penny Saved”

Wooton Bassett: Okay, say a prayer every time I think about junk food. (sniffs the air) Ohhh. Somebody is barbecuing hot-dogs! Oops! Uh okay, Dear God thank you for wonderful smells such as barbecued hot-dogs and all the other foods that I will not have the pleasure of eating Amen!

#671: “Fast As I Can”

Wooton Bassett: I liked him, even though he usually sent things UPS.

#487: “Plan B, Part 4: Resistance”



Wellington

Wellington Bassett: No one gets away with scamming a Bassett!

#805: “A Very Bassett Wedding, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: I don't even know how to play golf!
Wellington Bassett: Fake it.
Wooton Bassett: Well, how do you fake playing golf? Either you get it in the clown's mouth or you don't!

#543: “Nothing But the Half Truth”

Wellington Bassett: Go ahead. Call your uncle, and enjoy.
Talia Bassett: Fine, I will. Hello? Uncle Wooton...?

#510: “For the Fun of It”

Wellington Bassett: Talia, you're not... Wootonized, are you?

#510: “For the Fun of It”



Talia

Wooton Bassett: Hey, remember how you used to laugh when I crossed my eyes and did this? (Spit kinda noise) Or this? (Car noise) Or how about when we rubbed noses while I went erwanga erwanga, erwanga wanga wanga!!
Talia Bassett: The last time you saw me, I was three months old. So now will you please remove your nose from mine?

#510: “For the Fun of It”

Wooton Bassett: Talia! Breakfast is ready! <banging gong>
Talia Bassett: Really, Uncle Wooton, is all that racket necessary?
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, it's a breakfast gong.
Talia Bassett: A souvenir from overseas?
Wooton Bassett: Nope, Gongs'R'Us.

#510: “For the Fun of It”

Talia Bassett: You just offered me a completely repulsive jellybean-and-corn-chip casserole, but you don't allow caffeine?
Wooton Bassett: Nope! Caffeine'll kill ya. The last time I drank it I started talking so fast I almost swallowed my tongue.

#510: “For the Fun of It”

Wooton Bassett: Come on, climb over this net!
Talia Bassett: Okay—net? Why is there a net in the forest?
Wooton Bassett: Oh, probably some careless fisherman?

#510: “For the Fun of It”

Wellington Bassett: Go ahead. Call your uncle, and enjoy.
Talia Bassett: Fine, I will. Hello? Uncle Wooton...?

#510: “For the Fun of It”

Talia Bassett: Horse is a dog?
Wooton Bassett: Yep! Is there somethin' wrong?
Talia Bassett: Well, it's just that I was sort of expecting a horse.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, no, y'know, she's got two dogs; the other one is named Dog and she didn't wanna mix 'em up.

#510: “For the Fun of It”



Winston

Winston Bassett: I want you to represent the family... and your brother is in Paris.
Wooton Bassett: Ooh, la la.
Winston Bassett: Yes, believe you me, you were not my first choice.

#624: “Wooing Wooton”



Grandpa

Wooton Bassett: Hey, look at that! You've framed the picture I drew of Grandma.
Grandpa Bassett: I've always favored that piece; it's the only picture I have of your grandma wearing a cape.

#516: “Bassett Hounds”