Walton quotes

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An automatically created list of quotes by the Walton family.
On this page: Bernard | Maude

Bernard

Bernard Walton: Can you imagine being related to Eugene? I think I'd rather pull out my fingernails with a pair of rusty pliers.

“Last in a Long Line”

Eugene Meltsner: Ah, there. Vest, suit, cufflinks, tie.
Bernard Walton: Let's change out of these tuxes before we die!

“For Better or For Worse, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: One man's Mede is another man's Persian. (Chuckles)

“Bernard and Esther, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: It's been my experience that experience for the sake of experience usually isn't a very good experience at all.
Eugene Meltsner: I beg your pardon?

“First Hand Experience”

Elizabeth (b): My name is Elizabeth.
Bernard Walton: Oh, hi, how're you doing?
Elizabeth (b): How am I? Well, contrary to all of the negative factors that have been impressed upon me in the previous six to seven days, I feel rather energetic, if not vigorous! How are you?
Bernard Walton: Excuse me, I...need some air. <walks away> Okay, Bernard, now what? You're in a room full of Eugenes! Maybe I can just sit in a corner somewhere and they'll leave me alone.

“Third Degree”

Bernard Walton: Okay...here it is...chocolate gold.
Wooton Bassett: It’s a little squashed.
Bernard Walton: I was practically running a marathon with it.
Wooton Bassett: It’s sweaty.
Bernard Walton: Salt adds flavor.
Wooton Bassett: There’s gravel in it.
Bernard Walton: I dropped it once, or maybe twice
Wooton Bassett: Oh, that explains the shoe print.

“Do or Diet”

Bernard Walton: Now wait a minute! Hold it! There will be no name-calling here, you bonehead.

“Blind Justice”

Bernard Walton: I'm not against what other people think! I mean, it's not my fault they're wrong!

“Room Mates”

Bernard Walton: Just cleanin' a few of these second story windows. What does she think I'm doin' up here on a ladder? Knitten' a sweater?

“Bad Luck”

Bernard Walton: Eugene, what are you boring Marsha with now?
Eugene Meltsner: Uh, I don't know. Are you bored, Marsha?
Marsha (b): No, right now I'm frustrated.
Bernard Walton: Ah, then you have been talking to Eugene.

“Deliver Us From Evil”

Connie Kendall: "Non-system disk or disk error. Replace and strike any key when ready."
Bernard Walton: See? Replace what? Strike what? I was ready to strike the computer and replace it with an abacus.

“It Ended With a Handshake”

Artie Powell: He believed her?
Bernard Walton: Yeah, lock stock and barrel, and it made him furious. Which is never a good state for an executioner to be in.

“Bernard and Joseph, Part 1”

Artie Powell: Hi Mr. Walton!
Bernard Walton: Whah!
Artie Powell: That was neat, Mr. Walton. I've never seen someone jump straight up and into a bucket of water before!
Bernard Walton: Glad you liked it Artie. Now will you help get this thing off my foot?

“Bernard and Joseph, Part 2”

Bernard Walton: There you go. A chocolate sundae with raspberry sauce.
Unknown: Thanks, Mr. Walton.
Bernard Walton: You're welcome. Hope your folks have good health insurance.

“Bernard and Esther, Part 2”

Bernard Walton: Heaven knows, we wouldn't want the prison to be dirty when we're conquered.

“Bernard and Jeremiah”

Wooton Bassett: Do you see what I see?
Bernard Walton: This is no time for Christmas songs, Wooton!

“The Other Side of the Glass, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: Can I push the button that turns on the little warning lights?!
Unknown: Sure, if it's okay with your father.
Bernard Walton: I'm not his father!

“The Other Side of the Glass, Part 2”

Bernard Walton: In your case, Eugene, singing and tragedy go well together.

“B-TV: Redeeming the Season”

Curt Stevens: She really liked me.
Bernard Walton: What's not to like?
Curt Stevens: Exactly.

“The Triangled Web, Part 1”

Wooton Bassett: It'll only be a few days, Bernard. Just the weekend, I promise. Come on, what do you say?
Bernard Walton: I say you're expecting too much pepperoni for a pretty small pizza.

“Bassett Hounds”

Eugene Meltsner: I have it now. I'm all prepared. Compassion is a sympathetic consciousness of others distress together with a desire to alleviate it.
Bernard Walton: Meaning?
Eugene Meltsner: Feeling sorry for someone.

“B-TV: Compassion”

Bernard Walton: I'm thinking of a, uh, thing. You have twenty questions to guess what it is.
Eugene Meltsner: Is it corn?
Bernard Walton: I don't wanna play anymore.

“Second Thoughts”

Bernard Walton: Just take a deep breath, Eugene. Aah, there's nothing like the smell of a new pick up truck. It's heaven.
Eugene Meltsner: Smells more like artificially induced pine scent and upholstery cleaner.

“The Fifth House on the Left, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Look at City Hall. I haven't seen it so decked out since President Eisenhower came through. They set up a podium and everything.

“Gone...”

Bernard Walton: Will you stop interrupting? The plot's getting as thick as the grease in Bart Rathbone's hair!

“The Girl in the Sink”

Bernard Walton: I have to fight fire with fire.
John Whittaker: You're not gonna burn down the Electric Palace, are ya?

“My Fair Bernard”

Bernard Walton: People never say what they mean any more.

“The Conscientious Cross-Guard”

Bernard Walton: It's just a small fire! Nice to roast marshmallows by, really...

“For Better or For Worse, Part 2”

Bernard Walton: You mean to tell me you've never heard the story of Jacob and Esau?
Erica Clark: Will I get in trouble if I say no?
Bernard Walton: No.
Erica Clark: No.
Bernard Walton: And they wonder why society is going down the tubes.

“Two Brothers... and Bernard, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: How these kids can get a flag pole dirty is beyond me.

“Two Brothers... and Bernard, Part 2”

Bernard Walton: You need a radio? But you run an electronics store, Bart.

“Stubborn Streaks”

Bernard Walton: If you want to talk about unfair, tell me why people put their gum under someone else's table.

“Bernard and Saul”

Bernard Walton: Mental health? Then you must be watching Connie.

“A Most Intriguing Question”

Bernard Walton: Connie, are you wearing a muzzle tonight? You've hardly said a peep. What do you think of chapter twelve?
Connie Kendall: I thought it was good.
Bernard Walton: Well, that's about as insightful as a dog in a sweater.

“Between You and Me”

Borealis Walton: He cheated me just as sure as you're standing there!
Bernard Walton: I'm sitting.
Borealis Walton: Don't get saucy.

“Feud for Thought”

Bernard Walton: We'll look into more examples of temptation and giving into it when we come back right after this.
Bryan Dern: Wait a minute, Walton. I can be a lot of things, but I will not be a role model. Do you hear me? I am NOT a role model!

“B-TV: Temptation”

Angela: Yes, Mr. Walton.
Bernard Walton: The name's Bernard! <to himself> She'll never get my name right...

“The Fifth House on the Left, Part 2”

Bernard Walton: I know. We'll do what the pioneers did when they traveled across the frontier.
Eugene Meltsner: Shoot bears?
Bernard Walton: No, tell stories.

“It Happened at Four Corners”

Bernard Walton: Y'see, Maude, Eugene lost his memory. No, no, not like Uncle Pete, he didn't get kicked by a cow...no, Eugene was working on a top secret project to help make radios out of brain waves!
Connie Kendall: No, Bernard, it was to convert brain waves to radio waves.
Bernard Walton: Leave it to me, Connie; you'll only confuse her. Anyway, Eugene was doing this top-secret project but what he didn't know was that the whole thing was a sneaky trick by an evil company to do mind control on—no, no, not mime control, Maude, mind control. Right, like Aunt Gertrude. Anyway, when Eugene figured out what was going on, he left Odyssey with the research and Katrina, and they got married and traveled around the world until they thought they were safe, and after that they went to Wisconsin.
Tom Riley: Washington, D.C.
Bernard Walton: Right, Washington D.C., to the National Help Institute—
Dr. William Foster: National Institute of Health.
Bernard Walton: Exactly. And that's where Eugene started back with his top-secret research to convert the—the watchacall—with the...jahoozey.

“A Most Surprising Answer”

Bernard Walton: My house was robbed while I was gone.
David Straussberg: No way!
Bernard Walton: Yeah, they took everything but the bathtub. Stereo, VCR, my Hip-Hopson collection...eh, come to think of it, my wife might've hidden that from me.

“Chain Reaction”

Bernard Walton: With all those brains he hasn't got the sense God gave a rabbit.

“Last in a Long Line”

Eugene Meltsner: Did you book them?
Bernard Walton: Of course I did! It was my one and only job; I took it very seriously! Tom, did you book the band?

“For Better or For Worse, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: How are the Jacobs girls today?
Melanie Jacobs: Bummed.
Bernard Walton: Bummed?
Melanie Jacobs: Yeah, you know. Upset.
Bernard Walton: Oh, good. For a second I thought you were gonna start riding the rails.

“Bernard and Esther, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Well, stuff me with feathers and call me a pillow!

“The Time Has Come”

Eugene Meltsner: My pilgrimage will be to—there!
Bernard Walton: That's the sign for the women's room.
Eugene Meltsner: Oops! I'll try again.

“First Hand Experience”

Bernard Walton: Give a man a hammer, and he goes power-crazy!

“Third Degree”

Connie Kendall: Maybe that's something I should do. I'm pretty health conscious.
Bernard Walton: Oh yeah, she walks all the way to the restroom instead of taking the trolley.

“Do or Diet”

Eugene Meltsner: Ah, you smell that Mr. Walton? The smells of juries past coming into this very room to participate in the American judicial system.
Bernard Walton: I think you're confusing justice with floor wax.

“Blind Justice”

Bernard Walton: For what it's worth, I think your heart's in the right place. Your brain is missing in action, but your heart's in the right place.

“Suspicious Minds”

Eugene Meltsner: To borrow the colloquialism, I am without perspiration.
Bernard Walton: Huh?
Eugene Meltsner: No sweat.

“Room Mates”

Bernard Walton: Uh, just a minute Eugene. Apparently Connie has a crush on me or something.

“Poor Loser”

Bernard Walton: This is insane! They can't close down Whit's End after all these years!
John Whittaker: It looks like they can, Bernard.

“The Forgotten Deed”

Bernard Walton: Well, it is serious. I couldn't do my job without my squeegee.

“By Any Other Name”

Bernard Walton: Well, paint me red all over and send me to a four-alarm fire sirens blazing! Whit's getting married! Another one joins the ranks.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, actually, Mr. Walton, we're still very unsure of our facts and therefore feel it prudent to forgo any declarative stance until either the existing data can be thoroughly analyzed or we receive further, more conclusive proof in this matter, in my opinion.
Bernard Walton: I bet people have nightmares about you.

“Curious, Isn't It?”

Bernard Walton: You oughta see this baby. It's so white you could turn it on its side and use it to ski on. More doors than a bus station locker room. And so long you'd have to be double jointed just to turn the corner.

“A Day in the Life”

Bernard Walton: And look at that. Is that somebody's coat?
John Whittaker: That's no coat. It's Tom!

“Flash Flood”

John Whittaker: Brother Eugene has faithfully completed his six month vow of silence.
Unknown: It was a miracle.
John Whittaker: It is now time for our brother to break his vow of silence and share what he has learned with the rest of us. Yes, I see that hand of Brother Bernard the Cleansed?
Bernard Walton: Yes, Friar Whit, the brothers took a vote and we all think Brother Eugene should continue his vow of silence for another six months. It's been the quietest six months we've ever had.
Unknown: Aaaaaahhmen.
John Whittaker: Well, as much as I may agree, this order is not a democracy and votes don't count...he has earned the right to speak.
Unknown: Aaaw.

“Solitary Refinement”

Nick Mulligan: I hate to tell you this, but J-O-B spells job.
Bernard Walton: Not in this case.

“Bernard and Job”

Bernard Walton: (Beeping noise) Huh? What was that? Oh my computer. Instant message from AREM. Do I wish to respond? No, I wish to go home. Is there a button for that? Ah forget it.

“Nova Rising”

Wooton Bassett: Just think how weird that would be, Power Boy symbols showin' up here and there and...
Bernard Walton: Hey, wait a minute, pause! Symbols? I thought you said there was only one for help.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, no, there's a lot. Let's see, there's "Heeelllp!!" as you know and there's "Don't look up" and "Be wary of the purple lizards" and "Warning: Arch nemesis in crystallic fusion dormancy" and there's...
Bernard Walton: I get the idea.

“The Other Side of the Glass, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Eugene, you're about as much fun as a root canal!

“The Fifth House on the Left, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Eugene, Connie...they're getting stranger all the time. Must be something in the water.

“It Ended With a Handshake”

Eugene Meltsner: But Mr. Walton, are you or are you not familiar with the popular proverb, there's no such thing as a free lunch?
Bernard Walton: Yes, I think I've heard that somewhere before.
Eugene Meltsner: As a student of economics and a B-TV program consultant, I feel compelled to raise an unavoidable question. Who exactly is underwriting this frivolous media bash?
Connie Kendall: Translated, "Who's paying for all this?".

“B-TV: Grace”

Bernard Walton: Eugene, you are unbelievable.
Eugene Meltsner: Ah, I believe I am entirely based within the realm of plausibility.
Bernard Walton: But no one does a survey to decide who they're going to marry!

“For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll, Part 3”

Guy Feldstein: What's the topic of today's show?
Bernard Walton: Unity...
Alex Jefferson: Mr. Walton is now experiencing bitter irony.
Bernard Walton: Oh, be quiet.

“B-TV: Behind the Scenes”

Bernard Walton: Does your Grandpa live very far away?
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, he does if you're driving.
Bernard Walton: Well, then, we'll have to take turns at the wheel.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, okay, but I don't think the airline pilots are going to like that.

“Bassett Hounds”

Bernard Walton: That's one of the best things about Odyssey. Whit's End is always the same.
Eugene Meltsner: Indeed.

“Gone...”

Bernard Walton: Fill me with popcorn and call me cracker jack!

“The Girl in the Sink”

Edwin Blackgaard: Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut. Shakespeare, let's not be hasty. Pray continue, Mr. Walton
Bernard Walton: Huh? Okay. Our Father, who art in heaven—
Edwin Blackgaard: No, no, no. I mean tell me more.

“My Fair Bernard”

Tom Riley: The flowers? Why, you could stock a dozen greenhouses with that many flowers!
Bernard Walton: And a few cemeteries!

“For Better or For Worse, Part 2”

Erica Clark: Who cares? He gave away wealth and power for a little bit of stew. What was he? Nuts?
Bernard Walton: Well, it might seem that way, but the Bible puts it differently. It says Esau despised his birthright.
Erica Clark: What does that mean?
Bernard Walton: Well, he didn't have much respect for his family. And he made it even more clear when he went out and married two women his parents didn't approve of.
Erica Clark: Two women? I thought that was illegal!

“Two Brothers... and Bernard, Part 1”

Erica Clark: People sure did a lot of running back then.
Bernard Walton: Well, they had to. Their cars were in the shop.

“Two Brothers... and Bernard, Part 2”

Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: Eugene, Connie thinks a kiss hello would be appropriate behavior.
Eugene Meltsner: Connie wants me to kiss her hello?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: No, me.
Eugene Meltsner: She wants you to kiss her hello?
Katrina Shanks-Meltsner: No, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: We should all kiss hello? One big, sloppy smooch fest?
Bernard Walton: Well, when you put it like that...

“Wrapped Around Your Finger”

Trent DeWhite: He poured oil on him? What about a crown?
Bernard Walton: Oil first. Crown later.
Trent DeWhite: <muttering> Sounds disgusting.

“Bernard and Saul”

Bernard Walton: Problem speaking? Here's a tip. Move your lips and your tongue at the same time. It'll make it so much easier.

“Bernard and Jeremiah”

Bernard Walton: You see envy can twist your heart so much, that in order to get at someone else, you'll even hurt yourself.

“B-TV: Envy”

Connie Kendall: What if he's hurt himself and that's what set off the alarm?
Bernard Walton: Oh, now, that's a good rationalization. I'd stick with that, if I were you.

“A Most Intriguing Question”

Bernard Walton: Hello, Grandpa Borealis.

“Feud for Thought”

Bernard Walton: You know you need to give your daughter driving lessons.
Foster Smith-Hammer: I would, except Hubert was driving.
Bernard Walton: Hubert? Eugene!

“The Fifth House on the Left, Part 2”

Bernard Walton: This is it. This is it! An actual river of gold nuggets. It's even more beautiful than the old man said. I'm rich rich! I'm actually rich!
Eugene Meltsner: Actually I'm rich!

“It Happened at Four Corners”

Bernard Walton: Oh, I see what he's doing.
Connie Kendall: What?
Bernard Walton: He's trying to get me to move my horse -
Eugene Meltsner: Knight.
Bernard Walton: Away from his tower -
Eugene Meltsner: Rook!
Bernard Walton: So that he can get my guy with a pointy head!
Eugene Meltsner: Bishop!

“Iloveeugene/Funniest quotes”

Bernard Walton: I was giving the information on a must-know basis.
Connie Kendall: Just like a man.

“A Most Surprising Answer”

Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Walton, you're a genius!
Bernard Walton: Well, thanks, Eugene. It's about time you noticed.

“The Final Conflict”

John Whittaker: If a funnel cloud has been spotted, we need to get below ground. Bart, where's the basement?
Bart Rathbone: Upstairs!
Bernard Walton: The basement?
Bart Rathbone: Yeah, can't we just go upstairs instead? I keep my private snack supply downstairs.
John Whittaker: Bart!
Bart Rathbone: Okay, fine. But don't touch my pork rinds!

“Prequels of Love”

Bernard Walton: Is that the only reason you wanna do good things—to get noticed?
Sam Johnson: No, I wanna do them because I know it's right. But being right all the time doesn't get me praise from teachers or free ice cream from Whit's End!
Bernard Walton: So what?
Sam Johnson: Huh?
Bernard Walton: You heard me; so what? Sam, doing good is its own reward, and I got news for you: it always pays off! Sometimes in ways you can't see—in fact, most times in ways you can't see. But it always does, because doing what's right pleases God! And that's the most important thing, now, isn't it?

“When Bad Isn't So Good”

Eugene Meltsner: It must still have some loose connections...
Bernard Walton: You two have a lot in common.
Eugene Meltsner: Thank you!

“Deliver Us From Evil”

Eugene Meltsner: Oh, Mr. Walton. I hadn't noticed your presence.
Bernard Walton: What presents? All I have is a bucket.

“Last in a Long Line”

Bernard Walton: Nothin worse than a squirming kid when you're trying to tell a story.

“Bernard and Esther, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: You should run for mayor, Tom.

“Tom for Mayor, Part 1”

Victor Laslic: You know Eugene, don't you?
Bernard Walton: Eugene... yeah, I've seen him around.
Victor Laslic: Well, what is it going to take to get him to change his mind?
Bernard Walton: Surgery.

“Blind Justice”

Bernard Walton: Look, since my wife is gone, maybe we could enjoy ourselves with some bachelor kinds of things.
Eugene Meltsner: Such as?
Bernard Walton: It's no wonder you and Whit are friends. Manly activities, Eugene! Things that men enjoy doing!
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, you mean things like wearing the same pair of socks for several days, or shaking up a soda can to see who hits the ceiling with the spray!

“Room Mates”

Bernard Walton: Well, the job's done, Whit. The window's all clean. At least as clean as they'll ever be with all these kids running around.
John Whittaker: I'm sure you did the best you could.
Bernard Walton: Well, I don't know why I bother, when I know they'll be dirty again tomorrow.

“By Any Other Name”

Bernard Walton: Look: it's called a chain letter. I think we won some sort of contest!

“Bad Luck”

Bernard Walton: Brother Whit, would you agree with another three months of silence?
Unknown: Yeah?
John Whittaker: No, Brother.
Unknown: Aaw...
Bernard Walton: How about a long day, and full foam earplugs for all?
John Whittaker: No.

“Solitary Refinement”

Bernard Walton: Now Job was a patriarch.
Nick Mulligan: Oh, so he played for New England, right?
Bernard Walton: That's Patriot.

“Bernard and Job”

Bernard Walton: You look about as happy as a man who invested a million dollars in eight track tapes.
Eugene Meltsner: I beg your pardon?
Bernard Walton: Eight track tapes! You know; in the 70's, they were tape... Oh, never mind. It's no good if you have to explain it!

“The Time Has Come”

Jack Allen: Did you know Maxwell's Flower shop is for sale?
Bernard Walton: Now Jack, how do you get from Bobby's chocolate hand prints to Maxwell's Flower Shop?
Connie Kendall: Turn left on 8th street?

“For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Whit! Oh, Whit. You ol' globetrotting scalawag! Are you ever a sight for sore eyes! Welcome home, Whit!

“Home, Sweet Home”

Bernard Walton: Well, wake up the queen and alert her to trespassers!

“Bassett Hounds”

Bernard Walton: Well, Eugene. You wanna go watch a pig? Or does that fail to stimulate you intellectually?
Eugene Meltsner: Actually, I would enjoy a good pig watch.
Bernard Walton: Eugene, there is hope for you yet.

“Second Thoughts”

Bernard Walton: The what? What'd he say? These new fangled houses can't just have living rooms anymore.

“Third Degree”

Bernard Walton: Put your calculator away, Eugene, or consider being stranded on the side of the interstate in your estimations!
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, then it's Hollywood, here we come.

“The Fifth House on the Left, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Say good bye to who?
Eugene Meltsner: Whom.
Bernard Walton: Quiet. Say good bye to who, Connie?
Connie Kendall: To Whit! He left Odyssey!

“Gone...”

Bernard Walton: Wait! How did you do that?
Ezekiel (b): Twern't me. God does what God will. I just try not to get in the way.

“The Girl in the Sink”

Erica Clark: So Rebekah came through again. Pretty sneaky.
Bernard Walton: Maybe. But you need to understand that none of this happened by chance.
Erica Clark: It didn't?
Bernard Walton: Nope, there was a greater power working here. The Lord God.

“Two Brothers... and Bernard, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Just remember, God can heal the worst of relationships between brothers and sisters.
Erica Clark: Yeah.
Bernard Walton: Meanwhile, you need to be patient and loving. And the next time Haley does something bad to you, short sheet her bed.
Erica Clark: Really?
Bernard Walton: No. Kid believes anything I tell her.

“Two Brothers... and Bernard, Part 2”

Bernard Walton: There. That's not bad. I don't know why people complain about computers so much. It's a breeze.

“It Ended With a Handshake”

Marvin Washington: Hey, a deal's a deal.
Bernard Walton: Spoken like a true used car salesman.

“Bernard and Jeremiah”

Bernard Walton: What took you so long? Don't tell me you showered before you came.
Connie Kendall: Well, you don't expect me to come out in public with bed hair, did you?
Bernard Walton: Yes!
Connie Kendall: Oh, poor Bernard.

“A Most Intriguing Question”

Bernard Walton: Hold on, Whit, don't stop it yet. This is the best fight I've seen since my Aunt Bertha threw away my Uncle Ted's golfing pants.

“A Most Extraordinary Conclusion”

Bernard Walton: Should I have spoken in words you would understand and said "Kindly refrain from mutilating my vehicle"?

“Two Friends and a Truck”

Artie Powell: Was he my age?
Bernard Walton: Are you 17?
Artie Powell: No
Bernard Walton: Then he wasn't your age!

“Bernard and Joseph, Part 1”

Borealis Walton: I'll sic the dogs on him [Eugene]!
Bernard Walton: We don't have any dogs.
Borealis Walton: Then I'll sic the cat on him!

“Feud for Thought”

Bernard Walton: All right, who wants to ride shotgun?
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, I didn't know we were going hunting as well.
Bernard Walton: Get in the truck Eugene!
Eugene Meltsner: Uh...yes, sir.

“Flash Flood”

Maude Walton: Yaaa-hoooo!
Bernard Walton: Ah...Maude just did a belly flop in the pool. Woman needs to act her age.

“Silent Night”

Eugene Meltsner: My computer!
Bernard Walton: So, water does hurt those things?

“Mandy's Debut”

Bernard Walton: Come down from that rope, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: "Fat chance", to borrow the colloquialism.

“It Happened at Four Corners”

Bernard Walton: They say a blow to the head sometimes helps.
Tom Riley: I have a shovel in my truck!

“A Most Surprising Answer”

Bernard Walton: Where's the root beer? Everybody knows you're supposed to have root beer at a bachelor party!
Eugene Meltsner: Technically, I'm not actually a bachelor anymore.
Bernard Walton: Yeah, well, "technically" my great-grandmother's wake was livelier than this party!

“For Better or For Worse, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: I shall be scant inches away should you require my assistance!
Bernard Walton: I require your assistance like I require a third nostril.

“Deliver Us From Evil”

Bernard Walton: There was a certain jewish man named Mordecai who was at the palace.
Melanie Jacobs: Why was he there?
Bernard Walton: Uh, I think he worked there.
Robyn Jacobs: What kind of work did he do?
Bernard Walton: Uh, I don't know he was probably a window washer. It's a very noble profession you know.

“Bernard and Esther, Part 1”

Ricky McLean: Oh, it has taste beyond what you'd expect!
Bernard Walton: Really good cardboard, then.

“Do or Diet”

Bernard Walton: Eugene, the next time you nominate me the foreman of anything, our friendship is over.
Eugene Meltsner: Understood.

“Blind Justice”

Bernard Walton: Maybe your handcuffs fell in [the cash register], "detective".

“Suspicious Minds”

Eugene Meltsner: Now let's, uh, punch the highway!
Bernard Walton: You mean "hit the road".

“Room Mates”

Bryan Dern: Hey, Bernard!
Bernard Walton: How would you like a squeegee shoved up your nose?

“The Forgotten Deed”

Bernard Walton: Hold on, Whit. Make that out to Walton's Hygienic Maintenance and Engineering Company, please.

“By Any Other Name”

Bernard Walton: Whew! Nice to know Whit's trash smells as bad as everyone else's.

“Bad Luck”

John Whittaker: You're in my story, Bernard. Don't you want to perform as yourself?
Bernard Walton: Me? Not a chance. I'd rather leave that to someone like Robert Redford, Charlton Heston, Jimmy Stewart. You know.
John Whittaker: That may be hard to do.
Bernard Walton: Anyone good then. Someone who can catch me as I truly am.
John Whittaker: That may be even harder to do!

“A Day in the Life”

John Whittaker: Brother Eugene, come forward. After six months of glorious, uh, of muteness...we bid you share your new wisdom with us.
Eugene Meltsner: Thank you, Friar Mr. Whittaker. Fellow brethren of the monastic way, my journey through silence has been met by various and sundry provocations from the opposer, and not without dire distress and ventricular hemorrhaging of spirit. However, deep within the recesses of my being, I received the capacity to endure. Thus, I desire to share with you all now what this experience has achieved for me, and in achieving for me, I believe will also further advance the understanding of like-minded people everywhere.
Bernard Walton: That would be no one.

“Solitary Refinement”

Bernard Walton: Job lived in the land of Uz.
Nick Mulligan: As in the "Wonderful Wizard of"?
Bernard Walton: No!

“Bernard and Job”

Bernard Walton: You're about as subtle as my Uncle Ted. He fills in his bald spot with a brown Sharpie.
Connie Kendall: Ew.

“Mum’s the Word”

Jack Allen: Owning my own shop is something I've wanted to do for a long time. But not any shop. It has to be the right kind, something I can sink my teeth into.
Connie Kendall: Hey Biffy's Burger Joint's up for sale. You could really sink your teeth into that.
Bernard Walton: Only if you wanted food poisoning.

“For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll, Part 1”

Thaddeus Gumley: (At the antique shop) Would you gentlemen like some espresso or cappuccino?
Bernard Walton: Well, maybe. Is it new or antique?

“For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll, Part 2”

John Whittaker: It's good to see you again, Harlow.
Harlow Doyle: Think so, huh? How do you know you're really seeing me? I might be cleverly disguised.
Bernard Walton: As what? Yourself?
Harlow Doyle: Can't think of a better way to fool people.

“Home, Sweet Home”

Bernard Walton: There's two of you?
Wooton Bassett: Uh-huh.
Bernard Walton: You'd think there'd be a limit.

“Bassett Hounds”

Eugene Meltsner: I'm taking an extended—shall we call it an expedition?
Bernard Walton: Well, call it whatever you want, but tell me what you mean.

“First Hand Experience”

Eugene Meltsner: I'd be hard pressed to think of any place I would rather have been tonight.
Bernard Walton: I can think of a couple. Prison. Antarctica.

“Third Degree”

Bernard Walton: Wait a minute. What are you doing?
Eugene Meltsner: What else? I'm going to run to the airport! I can't let Mr. Whittaker get away!

“Gone...”

Bernard Walton: I want you to know, Mary Beth, I wasn't going to hug a girl till I was at least twenty-five. This is a sacrifice.

“The Girl in the Sink”

Bernard Walton: Whose idea was it to do a sound check in the middle of an electrical storm, anyway?
Bart Rathbone: Does it really matter who came up with the idea? Just to know that he's gonna be okay is enough for me!

“For Better or For Worse, Part 2”

Erica Clark: Can I have that piece of pie now?
Bernard Walton: Sell me your birthright for it?
Erica Clark: No way!
Bernard Walton: Good girl. Take it.

“Two Brothers... and Bernard, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: This is a real pickle.
John Whittaker: Yeah, yeah, it's a problem alright.
Bernard Walton: No, I mean it's a real pickle, it tastes great. Where'd you find 'em?
John Whittaker: Uh, it's a new brand.

“The Other Side of the Glass, Part 3”

Connie Kendall: I like how your ears turn red when you're embarrassed.
Robert Mitchell: I like how you always get whipped cream on your nose when you eat a sundae.
Connie Kendall: I like how that lock of hair falls across your forehead at such an adorably perfect angle.
Bernard Walton: Oh Connie, I love the way your kidneys work. Oh Mitch, your toenails grow with such amazing symmetry.

“Between You and Me”

John Whittaker: The truck rolled down the hill because of the broken parking brake. You forgot to tell him about that, ah, aspect of its personality.
Bernard Walton: Oh, now, that's great, thanks, Whit. I'll let my doctor know you're doing your part to lower my blood pressure.

“Two Friends and a Truck”

Eugene Meltsner: Well, I suppose the gift would be...me?
Bernard Walton: You call that a gift? You see, this is why we register.

“For Better or For Worse, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Oh, I see what he's doing.
Connie Kendall: What?
Bernard Walton: He's trying to get me to move my horse -
Eugene Meltsner: Knight.
Bernard Walton: Away from his tower -
Eugene Meltsner: Rook!
Bernard Walton: So that he can get my guy with a pointy head!
Eugene Meltsner: Bishop!! And I'm not quite clear why you think it's to your advantage to verbalize my strategy out loud!
Bernard Walton: Ah! So that "is" your strategy huh?
Eugene Meltsner: ...no, of course not.

“Poor Loser”

Bernard Walton: Why don't they put names on these gates?
Eugene Meltsner: It's possible they don't want pesky tourists to know who they are.
Bernard Walton: I'm not a pesky tourist.

“The Fifth House on the Left, Part 1”

Connie Kendall: Sounds like he's having a party up there.
Bernard Walton: Yeah, or you've got some very large mice.
Connie Kendall: <calling upstairs> Whit!
Bernard Walton: Have you thought about what we're going to do if it isn't Whit?
Connie Kendall: You can protect me with the hooks in your fishing hat.

“A Most Intriguing Question”

Trent DeWhite: Why did he give them a week?
Bernard Walton: Why do people stick gum under the table when there's a trash can right there? How am I supposed to know?

“Bernard and Saul”

Eugene Meltsner: Obviously, they were young men made in my old mold.
Bernard Walton: No, they broke your mold, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: Why, thank you!
Bernard Walton: Anyone who talks to you can tell you were still in it at the time.

“Deliver Us From Evil”

Bernard Walton: (takes a big sip of lemonade) Ahh!
Lucy Cunningham-Shultz: Feel better now, Mr. Walton?
Bernard Walton: A little.
Lucy Cunningham-Shultz: That was my lemonade...
Bernard Walton: Oh. Sorry.

“Last in a Long Line”

Connie Kendall: Maybe he's the answer to my prayer!
Bernard Walton: Well, if he's the answer to your prayer, then I don't even want to know what you've been praying for.

“Do or Diet”

Bernard Walton: I haven't had this much fun since I had my corns removed!

“Suspicious Minds”

John Whittaker: Here's your check, Bernard.
Bernard Walton: Transaction note.
John Whittaker: What?
Bernard Walton: The bank's gonna start calling them transaction notes.

“By Any Other Name”

Marty Scoresberg: My pleasure. If I remember the story correctly, you're quite the character.
Bernard Walton: Uh...character?
Marty Scoresberg: Very funny, a real curmudgeon.
Bernard Walton: Oh no. Not me. I wash windows. Super shine. You see?

“A Day in the Life”

Bernard Walton: Ok, Eugene. I've finished the windows in the little theater, so tell the kids to keep their greasy little fingers out of there for a while.

“Solitary Refinement”

Wooton Bassett: The buffet's not working for ya?
Bernard Walton: That's not a buffet, it's dirt on crackers.

“Bassett Hounds”

Bernard Walton: Let's see. We have eleven votes of guilty, and one vote of... it says: I am undecided at this... I can't read this scrawl... Undecided at this...
Eugene Meltsner: Juncture.
Bernard Walton: …Juncture, but my inclinations are that the defendant is not guilty.

“Blind Justice”

Bernard Walton: You just can't do anything the easy way, can you? The rest of the world takes trips and vacations, and you have to go on a expedition!

“First Hand Experience”

Bernard Walton: And when King Xerxes saw her his eyes nearly popped out of his head! (POP)

“Bernard and Esther, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: It wasn't that bad, was it?
Edwin Blackgaard: No, no, no! You were simply being you. You can't help being what you are. I should never have tried to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

“My Fair Bernard”

Tamika Washington: So it was Bernard who died.
Bernard Walton: What? No, I didn't die! I'm standing right here in front of you!
Tamika Washington: Oh. Right.

“The Girl in the Sink”

Connie Kendall: Whose crazy idea was it to have a wedding for them anyway?! They're already married, for crying out loud!
Bernard Walton: I won't say, but her name starts with a C and sounds a little like Klonnie.

“For Better or For Worse, Part 2”

Bernard Walton: Kids never watch the bucket.

“Two Brothers... and Bernard, Part 1”

Connie Kendall: Candid Conversations is on in twenty minutes and Wooton can't make it--something about getting stuck in a dryer!
Bernard Walton: Oh, so you need a new guest, Ethel.
Connie Kendall: Ethel? That's not Russian.
Bernard Walton: Yeah, I know; I ran out of Russian names.

“Mum’s the Word”

Eugene Meltsner: Well, we're writing our own vows; that's commensurately romantic, is it not?
Bernard Walton: Depends. Did your vows include the word "commensurately"?
Eugene Meltsner: Well, um...
Bernard Walton: Uh-huh.
Eugene Meltsner: Perhaps.

“For Better or For Worse, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Go ahead, Connie. And if he disowns you, I'll still be your friend.
Connie Kendall: Thanks.

“A Most Intriguing Question”

John Whittaker: You're gonna have to tell Eugene, you know.
Bernard Walton: Yeah, I know, I know. I'll tell him. I'd better get going. I've got places to go and windows to wash.
John Whittaker: Okay, I'll see you, Bernard.
Bernard Walton: See ya, Whit. <muttering to himself> Sure, I'll tell Eugene. Maybe when I'm on my death bed.

“Two Friends and a Truck”

Bernard Walton: Finally, the only enemies left were the dreaded Amalekites.
Trent DeWhite: Wait a minute—I thought they already beat them.
Bernard Walton: No, no, those were the dreaded Ammonites.
Trent DeWhite: Oh—oh, right.

“Bernard and Saul”

Bernard Walton: Maude, Maude, stop! You really don't know me so well.
Maude Walton: Of course I do!
Bernard Walton: No, no, because if you could really see right through me, you'd know I only took this crazy class so I could get to know you, and that I haven't stopped thinking about you since I saw you at Chick-A-Doodles, and I'm sitting here right now taking this test on whether or not I have a fear of cereal because I wanna see you again! Did you know that?
Maude Walton: Oh, Bernard...really?
Bernard Walton: Maybe I am insane.
Maude Walton: Well, I—I think I have just the thing here. <rips paper> Your prescription, Mr. Walton.
Bernard Walton: Oh, it's a phone number.
Maude Walton: Well, maybe we can have dinner sometime.
Bernard Walton: Oh. I'm almost done with this test...you like chicken?

“Prequels of Love”

Bernard Walton: I refuse to be related to Eugene Meltsner!

“Last in a Long Line”

Bernard Walton: Whit! Whit!
Eugene Meltsner: Where?!
Bernard Walton: I don't know.
Eugene Meltsner: You startled me, Mr. Walton. I thought you might be he.
Bernard Walton: Why would Whit be calling his own name all the way down the stairs? This place gets loonier all the time.

“Suspicious Minds”

Bernard Walton: Gotta keep up with the times, Whit. It's the only way to survive.

“By Any Other Name”

Bernard Walton: I don't exist, Whit.

“A Day in the Life”

Bernard Walton: What are these brochures? Are you planning another vacation already?
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, no. Not at all. I'm perusing sites of isolation where I might explore disciplines for the inner spiritual life.
Bernard Walton: As soon as I asked, I knew it was a mistake. You want to break that sentence down and translate it for me?

“Solitary Refinement”

Guy Feldstein: You know my morning kids program?
Bernard Walton: Yeah, Soapy Waters and the Suds Factory? Oh, sure. I like him. <singing> “Listen to me, all you mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters; it's time to clean your TV screens with me! I'm Soapy Waters.” Heh, heh, heh…

“I Want My B-TV!”

Bernard Walton: The only thing harder to find than you in this house is a light switch.

“Bassett Hounds”

Bernard Walton: Not that I would wish this on anyone, but we have to listen to Eugene. He's...right. All twelve of us have to agree. That's the law.

“Blind Justice”

Eugene Meltsner: Possibly as a marketing question. Perhaps we need to convey a more sympathetic image.
Bernard Walton: Eugene, we're staggering down the road in the middle of nowhere. What else could we add to make us look more miserable? <thunder rumbles> I had to ask.

“First Hand Experience”

Tamika Washington: Is Mr. Whittaker here?
Bernard Walton: He's a half hour late is what he is. I've been jumping around like a cat in a hot tin roof covered with freshly laid tar.

“The Girl in the Sink”

Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Walton, are you alright?
Bernard Walton: Apart from being pinned under my scaffolding and suffering from countless bruises and probably even a broken leg, I'm just dandy. Why do you ask?

“Room Mates”

Bernard Walton: Yeah well, Maude calls them cuddle bundles.

“Do or Diet”

Jason Whittaker: Where's Connie? She's leading tonight, isn't she?
Bernard Walton: She's later than a penguin in a body cast.

“Between You and Me”

Eugene Meltsner: What?! You eat while you're working on your computer? Don't you realize the damage you could do with a careless crumb or a spilled drink?
Bernard Walton: It's a computer, not the Ming Vase Collection. What good is the thing if it's not a sturdy working machine? I mean, you said when we bought it that it was a wonderful tool.
Eugene Meltsner: A tool, yes, but not a sledgehammer or a—or a TV tray! You have to treat a computer with care and kindness. They're delicate creatures who must be maintained with respect!

“It Ended With a Handshake”

Bernard Walton: Number two: Katrina carried Eugene over the threshold!
Eugene Meltsner: Now, that was only due to the recurrence of an old chess club injury!
Tom Riley: A chess club injury?
Eugene Meltsner: It was a very big club.

“For Better or For Worse, Part 1”

Eugene Meltsner: Ah, yes, Odyssey. Where, fortunately, few things ever change.
Bernard Walton: Thank Heaven.
Eugene Meltsner: Then drive on, "Bernie!"
Bernard Walton: Why, in a flash, "Hubert!"

“The Fifth House on the Left, Part 2”

Tom Riley: Are you doin' experiments on someone else, Whit?
Bernard Walton: It's that man from the NIH, isn't it? You two had a tussle and you've thrown him into the machine!
John Whittaker: Oh, Bernard, you're being ridiculous.
Bernard Walton: No, no, no, I was being ridiculous when I agreed to this idea twelve hours ago. Now I'm being absurd!

“A Most Intriguing Question”

Bernard Walton: You're the only guy I know who can ruin an apology by saying "I'm sorry"!

“Two Friends and a Truck”

Bernard Walton: I just don't get why he would do all this—why anyone would!
Jack Allen: I know. It's hard to understand how a—a mind like Doctor Blackgaard's worked. I'd hoped to help him change it—one last chance. But a soul so corrupted, so saturated in evil, can only come to one end without Jesus. It's destined for the final conflict and an eternity without God.

“The Final Conflict”

Connie Kendall: Just how important is it to you to beat him today?
Bernard Walton: Meaning?
Connie Kendall: Meaning you have made your point already. You beat him every game. So what's the big deal if you lost one, y'know?
Bernard Walton: Connie! Are you asking me to throw the game?
Connie Kendall: He's an emotional wreck! Please, Bernard?
Bernard Walton: This is good for him!
Connie Kendall: Look at him! He's got his shoes on the wrong feet!

“Poor Loser”

Bart Rathbone: We're supposed to start in a minute and I just thought I'd peek in and... you know, say something clever!
Bernard Walton: Like what, Bart?
Bart Rathbone: I dunno... ah, I couldn't think of anything. So how about, "may the best man win."
Bernard Walton: Thanks, Bart.
Tom Riley: Thank you, Bart.
Bart Rathbone: Course that means you may as well call it quits now, if ya get my drift!
Bernard Walton: Get out, Bart.

“Tom for Mayor, Part 2”

Bernard Walton: Whether you meant it or not, you played out a Bible teaching in what you did today.
Simon Birtles: I did? That's weird!
Bernard Walton: Eh, not "weird," Simon. Happens all the time around here.

“A Little Credit, Please”

Marty Scoresberg: There's one more character I wanted to talk to you about. Eugene.
Bernard Walton: What'd you do? Turn him into a calculator?

“A Day in the Life”

Bernard Walton: Well, dare me to discipline and call me Dr. Dobson.

“B-TV: Live!”

Bernard Walton: Has he stopped running since he got back?
Jason Whittaker: No. And I sure wish he would. I don't like the way he's been pushing himself. I gotta persuade him to take some time off.

“Solitary Refinement”

Wooton Bassett: He's always playing games like that. Once when we were little, he told me I was adopted, and I believed him for a year!
Bernard Walton: But... that's ridiculous! You're twins!
Wooton Bassett: <snorts> Yeah, I know. That's why I only believed him for a year.

“Bassett Hounds”

Bernard Walton: There is nothing worse than cold pot-roast. The gravy gets all rubbery.

“Blind Justice”

Eugene Meltsner: I came here to apologize, and apologize I shall. Ahem. Mr. Walton, I'm sorry for being so much like you.
Bernard Walton: What?!
Eugene Meltsner: A stubborn, know-it-all, to borrow the colloquialism.
Bernard Walton: That's an apology!?

“Room Mates”

Richard Maxwell: What are you accusing me of?
Bernard Walton: I don't know, what are you guilty of?

“I Slap Floor”

Bernard Walton: I started with just a rag and a bucket, and now I've got a...a squeegee and a bucket!

“My Fair Bernard”

Bernard Walton: See you tomorrow, Whit, if we don't both die in our sleep.

“By Any Other Name”

Eugene Meltsner: I think of it as...a journey to myself!
Bernard Walton: Sounds like a very short trip.

“First Hand Experience”

Tom Riley: Now, you can be sensitive and caring all you want, but there comes a time when every woman wants to be rescued by a knight in shining armor.
Bernard Walton: But Katrina got a stable boy in a vest!

“For Better or For Worse, Part 1”

Connie Kendall: Wow! That sounds like something I might like to do!
Ricky McLean: Oh Connie! Y-E-S you could! Y-O-U could do it!
Bernard Walton: I-T

“Do or Diet”

Eugene Meltsner: Nocturnal felicitations.
Connie Kendall: It can't be! I don't believe it!
Bernard Walton: Stuff me with spinach and call me a soufflé.
Unknown: It's Eugene!

“A Most Intriguing Question”

Bernard Walton: Dinner?
Angela: Mr. Smith-Hammer made it very clear that you're to be treated like a houseguest until further notice.
Bernard Walton: Oh? Wonder what that means?
Tammi Smith-Hammer: That means until he doesn't want you around anymore.
Bernard Walton: Oh, I see. Well, considering Eugene's people skills, I'd better eat fast.

“The Fifth House on the Left, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Meanwhile, David was on the run as an outlaw and surrounded himself with merry men and stole from the rich and gave to the poor.
Trent DeWhite: He did what?
Bernard Walton: Just seeing if you were paying attention.

“Bernard and Saul”

Marvin Washington: <on the phone> Hi, Tamika. It's me, Marvin. Can you tell Mom and Dad I'm okay? I'll be home in about ten minutes. And Tamika...I just wanted you to know, I think I'd really miss it if you didn't talk so much; I mean, you can be really funny sometimes. No, I don't need to borrow any money; I was just sayin' that—never mind. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bart Rathbone: <on the phone with Doris> I, ah...I just wanna say I love you.
Bernard Walton: <on the phone with Maude> No, I am not going through a midlife crisis!
Bart Rathbone: No, really, it's Bart!

“Prequels of Love”

Bernard Walton: The front of Eugene's car looks like it met my sister-in-law in a bad mood!

“Two Friends and a Truck”

Bernard Walton: Now, this is why I love Whit's End so much.

“Suspicious Minds”

Connie Kendall: What? Mitch is joining the FBI? He only left fifteen minutes ago.
Bernard Walton: I said I had an itch in my left eye. What are you talking about?

“Between You and Me”

Bernard Walton: College kids. They think they know everything just because they can punch a few buttons on a computer.

“Room Mates”

Bernard Walton: To begin my life with the beginning of my life, I recall I was born, born a pauper to a pawn. With a squeegee in my hand... And that squeegee is available for all your window-cleaning needs! Just call Walton's Janitorial Service at 555-6629!

“My Fair Bernard”

Bernard Walton: Doves? What in the world do you need doves for? We already know the Ark is on dry land!

“For Better or For Worse, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Well, that wasn't the end of Saul's story, but do you get the point by now?
Trent DeWhite: Yeah! Cut off the bad guy's head when God says to!
Bernard Walton: Exactly, d—no! Try again.
Trent DeWhite: Don't throw spears at harpists?

“Bernard and Saul”

Eugene Meltsner: <About an electric shock device> I used to do this to my parents when they were dieting. It kept them away from the refrigerator.
Bernard Walton: You must have been a joy to have around as a child.
Eugene Meltsner: Thank you, sir.

“Suspicious Minds”

Connie Kendall: Oh! I just can't stand to listen anymore.
Eugene Meltsner: Frankly I don't understand why you turned it on in the first place. One doesn't look to Cryin Brian Dern as a reliable source for news and information.
Bernard Walton: Yeah, in fact I don't consider him to be a reliable source for anything. Except stress headaches.

“The Forgotten Deed”

Bernard Walton: The doctors want to keep me overnight for observation. What do they want to observe me doing? Using the bedpan?

“Room Mates”

Tom Riley: At my wedding, they just threw rice!
Bernard Walton: Symbolizing an abundance of teriyaki chicken!

“For Better or For Worse, Part 1”

John Whittaker: I look tired?
Bernard Walton: Those bags under your eyes aren't for your wallet and keys Whit.

“Solitary Refinement”

Bernard Walton: A sixteen piece orchestra?
Tom Riley: That's a lot of pieces, isn't it? Do they even make that many instruments?
Bernard Walton: I don't think so.
Tom Riley: Let's see, now, what am I gonna need? Tuba, drums, fiddle, electric banjo...even a bigger banjo?
Bernard Walton: Yeah.
Tom Riley: Oh...Bernard, we're in trouble.

“For Better or For Worse, Part 1”



Maude

Maude Walton: Yaaa-hoooo!
Bernard Walton: Ah...Maude just did a belly flop in the pool. Woman needs to act her age.

“Silent Night”

Bernard Walton: Maude, Maude, stop! You really don't know me so well.
Maude Walton: Of course I do!
Bernard Walton: No, no, because if you could really see right through me, you'd know I only took this crazy class so I could get to know you, and that I haven't stopped thinking about you since I saw you at Chick-A-Doodles, and I'm sitting here right now taking this test on whether or not I have a fear of cereal because I wanna see you again! Did you know that?
Maude Walton: Oh, Bernard...really?
Bernard Walton: Maybe I am insane.
Maude Walton: Well, I—I think I have just the thing here. <rips paper> Your prescription, Mr. Walton.
Bernard Walton: Oh, it's a phone number.
Maude Walton: Well, maybe we can have dinner sometime.
Bernard Walton: Oh. I'm almost done with this test...you like chicken?

“Prequels of Love”