Rathbone quotes

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An automatically created list of quotes by the Rathbone family.
On this page: Bart | Doris | Rodney

Bart

Jack Allen: Bart, we can't continue this debate unless you follow the rules.
Bart Rathbone: Rules, schmules! This is a free country. Anybody should be able to do what they want! That's the difference between me and Riley. I'm into freedom and he's a, whaddayacall, an intolerant hatemonger.
Tom Riley: What?
Bart Rathbone: Did I stutter?
Jack Allen: Gentlemen, please.
Bryan Dern: Nah, let em go! This is getting good!

#287: “Tom for Mayor, Part 2”

Doris Rathbone: What is that?
Bart Rathbone: Classical music. It aids the digestion.
Rodney Rathbone: I think it's workin'. I'm startin' to feel sick.

#243: “Family Values”

Bart Rathbone: What? What's so funny?
John Whittaker: You are!

#381: “The One About Trust, Part 2”

Bart Rathbone: Shoppers! Don't forget our specials on blank video tapes: five dollars each or three for twenty. Bargains every day here at the Electric Palace!

#417: “Not-So-Trivial Pursuits”

Bart Rathbone: What about Shakespeare? Can't he do that?
Edwin Blackgaard: He could if he were here. There was only enough money for one first class ticket. So he volunteered to hitchhike back.

#528: “The Taming of the Two”

Nick Grant: Thank you, thanks, Burt, thanks, everybody. I'd like to thank everybody who sponsored this event and made it such a fun thing for me. I'm very excited about my day with Katie Kennell!
Bart Rathbone: That's "Bart" and "Connie Kendall."
Nick Grant: Oh, right. Hi, Connie...and don't forget to shop at the Electric Place!
Bart Rathbone: "Palace."

#220: “This is Chad Pearson?”

Bart Rathbone: So, so, you are interested in the Bones of Rath, huh?
Dale Jacobs: That’s right Bart. See I’m ah...
Bart Rathbone: Hey, you and everybody in Odyssey. They are the biggest thing since sliced peaches.

#179: “You Gotta Be Wise”

Bart Rathbone: Shoppers! Don't forget about the Electric Palace's half-off rebate program! Just bring back your receipt whenever the second Tuesday of the month falls on the fifteenth!

#609: “Prequels of Love”

Bart Rathbone: Shoppers, don’t forget about the electric palace’s half off rebate program! Just bring back your receipt whenever the second Tuesday of the month falls on the fifteenth.

#586: “A Cheater Cheated”

Bart Rathbone: <on TV> It's like I've always said, Abby. The poor have got to eat, too.
Connie Kendall: Like you've always said?!

#312: “Rewards in Full”

Bart Rathbone: The mics and the earpieces are so small, they're nearly indefectible.
Aubrey Shepard: You mean, indetectable.
Bart Rathbone: Yeah, that, too.

#430: “Blind Girl's Bluff”

Bart Rathbone: Guilt by association.

#163: “A Model Child”

Bart Rathbone: Look, I know you think you understand what you thought you heard me say, but what you thought you heard me say was certainly not what you thought I meant.

#243: “Family Values”

Bart Rathbone: The tension's so great, you could comb your hair with it!

#254: “Truth, Trivia and 'Trina”

Bart Rathbone: I could write a book!
Doris Rathbone: Oh, yeah. It'd have to be a coloring book, the way you write.

#368: “The Other Woman”

Unknown: Anything else?
George Barclay: Two aspirin, please.
Unknown: Coming right up.
Bart Rathbone: What's the matter, you got a headache?

#256: “Aloha, Oy!, Part 1”

Bart Rathbone: And what does a roasting pan have to do with Christ'a'mas?
Wooton Bassett: Oh, you know you see, I'm using it to show that even though the world is full of sin, and dirty car parts and roasting pans that God still sent his son to us in the middle of it cause he loves us an stuff and that's why we celebrate Christmas. Besides won't it look great when the lights are turned on?

#480: “The Popsicle Kid”

Bart Rathbone: We just love Ellen!
Ed Washington: Elaine.

#598: “My Favorite Thing”

Bart Rathbone: He left us.
Mary Barclay: I'm never going to see my children again.
George Barclay: This is unbelievable.
Doris Rathbone: I'll say. He took the pork rinds!

#258: “Aloha, Oy!, Part 3”

Bart Rathbone: Unlike you, Riley, I believe in toleration. And as mayor, I won't put up with anybody who isn't tolerant!
Tom Riley: You won't tolerate intolerance?
Bart Rathbone: Right.
Tom Riley: So you're intolerant of people who tolerate intolerance.
Bart Rathbone: Yeah! My first act as mayor will be to form a committee to investigate intolerance and stamp it out!

#287: “Tom for Mayor, Part 2”

Bart Rathbone: I figure everything'll be all right once the National Guard hit 'em with the riot hoses.

#179: “You Gotta Be Wise”

Patrick O'Ryan: Thanks for your cooperation, Bill.
Bart Rathbone: It’s my pleasure. After everything Tom Riley told me, I think this’ll be a good lesson for the kid.

#115: “An Act of Mercy”

John Whittaker: If a funnel cloud has been spotted, we need to get below ground. Bart, where's the basement?
Bart Rathbone: Upstairs!
Bernard Walton: The basement?
Bart Rathbone: Yeah, can't we just go upstairs instead? I keep my private snack supply downstairs.
John Whittaker: Bart!
Bart Rathbone: Okay, fine. But don't touch my pork rinds!

#609: “Prequels of Love”

Bart Rathbone: Our grand opening is in three weeks. Turn around and show 'em, Rodney.
Rodney Rathbone: Okay.
Eugene Meltsner: Opens in three "weks?"
Bart Rathbone: Uh, that's supposed to be three weeks. Rodney!
Rodney Rathbone: They got the point!

#160: “A Rathbone of Contention”

Bart Rathbone: There's something going on around here, and I am going to find out what it is.
Rodney Rathbone: Meaning you're gonna make me find out what it is.
Bart Rathbone: Exact-a-mundo!

#214: “The Living Nativity”

Bart Rathbone: There's no protecting our house as long as Rodney's living there.
Rodney Rathbone: Thanks, Pop!

#397: “Tornado!”

Bart Rathbone: Great get-up, huh? Aw, they don’t make ‘em like this anymore.
John Whittaker: Small wonder.
Bart Rathbone: Imagine finding a pair of old bell-bottoms, paisley shirt, turtleneck, and a chic-a-dill-ick headband all in the same place!
John Whittaker: The dump?

#164: “Sixties-Something”

Bart Rathbone: Name one international bird that is known to bark like a dog. Do you know?
Eugene Meltsner: Well, who wouldn't know? The Senegal Finfoot.

#254: “Truth, Trivia and 'Trina”

Elaine Washington: What are you doing here?
Bart Rathbone: Doris kicked me out.
Elaine Washington: Oh. Engine parts in the dishwasher again?
Bart Rathbone: No. Cheese Doodles in the shower.

#552: “Sunday Morning Scramble”

Bart Rathbone: Well, happy greetings everyone! What a beautiful day it is, ain’t it?
Connie Kendall: Well, it used to be.

#463: “Green Eyes and Yellow Tulips”

Bart Rathbone: Now you've heard it on the T and V. You've seen it on the radio.

#558: “A Glass Darkly”

Bryan Dern: What do you think about all this?
Bart Rathbone: What do I think? What do you think I think?! I think it's terrible, that's what I think! What do I think...

#328: “Hard Losses”

Bart Rathbone: You and your yard are an embarrassment to the whole neighborhood. This place is an eyesore. And everybody but you knows it.
Wooton Bassett: Whoah. Everybody? Yeah, but I haven't heard anything from anyone else.
Bart Rathbone: That's because I'm the only one around here, who doesn't have a problem with hurting other people's feelings. This is the ugliest Christ'a'mas display in the history of Odyssey and everybody agrees. I'm gonna prove it. I will prove it to ya!

#480: “The Popsicle Kid”

Tom Riley: But what about things like free speech?
Bart Rathbone: What about things like that? People can have free speech.
Tom Riley: As long as they agree with you.
Bart Rathbone: Well, yeah. Nobody likes disagreeable people.

#287: “Tom for Mayor, Part 2”

Jack Allen: Alright, Bart. What do you really want?
Bart Rathbone: I'll write it down.
Jack Allen: Probably your first born child.
Edwin Blackgaard: Oh, good. I'm a bachelor. Although I suppose he could take Shakespeare.

#359: “The Merchant of Odyssey”

Mr. Tanner: So I have to buy a 50 dollar flashlight to buy 20 dollar batteries to get 50 percent off a CD?
Bart Rathbone: Yep! That's a sweet deal.

#586: “A Cheater Cheated”

Bart Rathbone: You're not getting the lobster; we can't afford it.
Doris Rathbone: Oh! Well, what can we get, then?
Bart Rathbone: Let me see, ah...there we go! Here's something for 20 cents: extra butter.

#598: “My Favorite Thing”

Bart Rathbone: Maybe I'll go back and have a little crow sandwich or something. Oh, boy; will I ever learn...?

#175: “East Winds, Raining”

Bart Rathbone: Jack, let me know if you want any help with your people skills. I could give ya a few pointers.

#538: “Stubborn Streaks”

Lucy Cunningham-Schultz: Would you consider yourself a bigot?
Bart Rathbone: Me? No way. Is that what this is all about? I thought you were talking about being prejudiced!

#129: “Not One of Us”

Lucy Cunningham-Schultz: There's only one "l" in "electric."
Bart Rathbone: I told ya, Rodney.
Rodney Rathbone: Hey, I'm in charge of promotion, not spellin'!

#160: “A Rathbone of Contention”

Dale Jacobs: Or, haven't you heard of freedom of speech?
Bart Rathbone: Yeah, I heard of it. I think it's a shame when people take advantage of it like this.
John Whittaker: You mean, when they say things you don't like.
Bart Rathbone: Exactly!

#163: “A Model Child”

Bart Rathbone: The very idea of him usin' city funds to help people!

#324: “Small Fires, Little Pools”

Bart Rathbone: I sponsored something somethin' artsy last month, too!
Malcolm Lear: Really?! What?
Bart Rathbone: A monster truck rally at the Civic Arena!

#528: “The Taming of the Two”

Bart Rathbone: Look, I wanna thank all of yous from the press for coming here to the Electric Palace. My friends, my name is Bart Rathbone, speaking to you with his own voice here. With the announcement of his retirement, Mayor Jenkins has left shoes that will be very hard to fill. I am talking about the kind of shoes that can only be made out of integrity and trust. Them kind of shoes. Big shoes. Shoes that only a man with big feet can fill. Well, ladies and gentlemen of the press, I am here to announce that I am the man with big feet. That's right. I am throwing my hat in the ring of shoes.., of shoes! Cause, uh... these boots are made for walking, and carrying a big stick, and I'm no heel!

#286: “Tom for Mayor, Part 1”

Bart Rathbone: How are yous today?
Dan Daventry: Just fine.
Bart Rathbone: Lot o' weather we been havin' lately.
Dan Daventry: Yeah, I suppose so.
Bart Rathbone: Hey, uh speakin' o' dat, are you the inspector?
Dan Daventry: What?

#632: “Suspicious Finds”

Bart Rathbone: What's in it for me [if I come to church]?
Tamika Washington: You get to sing songs.
Bart Rathbone: You do any Willie Nelson?

#552: “Sunday Morning Scramble”

Bart Rathbone: I mean, if this isn't proof positive that Riley shouldn't serve as mayor, then I am a monkey's uncle!
Bryan Dern: Again, well said! Especially the monkey part.

#328: “Hard Losses”

Bart Rathbone: Starting tomorrow we'll be having a slightly-damaged merchandise sale!

#332: “Another Chance”

Bart Rathbone: I wanna bring ya to a gentler, kinder Odyssey. The kind of kinder Odyssey that only my kinder kind of kind guy can bring about. Kind of.

#380: “The One About Trust, Part 1”

Bernard Walton: Whose idea was it to do a sound check in the middle of an electrical storm, anyway?
Bart Rathbone: Does it really matter who came up with the idea? Just to know that he's gonna be okay is enough for me!

#571: “For Better or For Worse, Part 2”

Harlow Doyle: What did she say?
Bart Rathbone: ARE YOU NUTS?! THE OTHER WAY!! THE OTHER WAY!!
Harlow Doyle: You let her talk to you like that?
Bart Rathbone: Huh?

#196: “Harlow Doyle, Private Eye”

Bart Rathbone: Ooh! Must have been painful.
Edwin Blackgaard: <grumbles> My bass drum will never be the same.

#359: “The Merchant of Odyssey”

Rodney Rathbone: Thanks, Pop. You won't regret it.
Bart Rathbone: I already do regret it. I still don't like any of this. And don't call me--
Rodney Rathbone: Hey, I'm on the phone, Pop.

#325: “Angels Unaware”

Bart Rathbone: He said that I cheated people and treated my customers bad!
Eugene Meltsner: And he considers that newsworthy?

#586: “A Cheater Cheated”

Bart Rathbone: You are so un-hip, it's a wonder you don't walk sideways!

#164: “Sixties-Something”

Bart Rathbone: I'm here on official business, not a social call.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, official business? Wow, should I put on a tie?
Bart Rathbone: Nah, that won't be necessarial.
Wooton Bassett: Oh, that's good, cause I don't have a tie.

#480: “The Popsicle Kid”

Bart Rathbone: I'm berry busy.

#175: “East Winds, Raining”

George Barclay: Find an oar!
Bart Rathbone: Or what?

#258: “Aloha, Oy!, Part 3”

Bart Rathbone: You're absatively correct!

#254: “Truth, Trivia and 'Trina”

Bart Rathbone: And now we have a soliloquy performed by... uh...
Malcolm Lear: Malcolm Lear
Bart Rathbone: Malcolm...
Edwin Blackgaard: Oh, no, no, Edwin Blackgaard
Bart Rathbone: Yeah, Edwin Lear, Malcolm Black, what?
Edwin Blackgaard: To be, *coughing*
Bart Rathbone: Oh boy, you two can fight it out for yourselves

#528: “The Taming of the Two”

Brian Dern: We're back with Cryin Brian Dern's afternoon zoo. We've been talking to mayoral candidate Bart Rathbone. Though most of you know him as the owner of the Electric Palace, as well as one of the sponsors of this show. But hey, that doesn't mean that we won't ask some tough questions. Bart, is that your real hair, or are you wearing a hair piece?
Bart Rathbone: Only my hair dresser knows for sure, Brian.

#286: “Tom for Mayor, Part 1”

Bart Rathbone: <to customer> Yeah with the purchase of dat dere stereo, we got a hotline you can call to ask us any questions, any time, I’m always available. <to himself> Ooh, the inspector guy just come in! <walks away>
Electric Palace Customer (a): Hey where’re you going? I got a question!
Bart Rathbone: Can't help ya!

#632: “Suspicious Finds”

Bart Rathbone: Surely. You can help us get all computerized and stuff! Come on, what do you say?
Eugene Meltsner: I'm... incredulous!
Bart Rathbone: Is that a yes?
Eugene Meltsner: After all your dubious scheming and plotting to the detriment, if not outright damage, of the town of Odyssey and its denizens, how can you realistically expect that I would even consider, much less grant, your requests for my ministrations and assistance in your bid to attain office?
Bart Rathbone: Is that a yes?
Eugene Meltsner: In a word, NO! NO! A thousand times, NO!
Bart Rathbone: I get it, youse wanna think about it for a little while. Well, fine, fine; just give me your answer tomorrow.
Eugene Meltsner: <groans> I give up!

#380: “The One About Trust, Part 1”

Bart Rathbone: Rodney, don't be a dolt.
Rodney Rathbone: But, Pop!
Bart Rathbone: Anyone dumb enough to do what youse did deserves what he gets. And don't call me Pop.

#306: “A Victim of Circumstance”

Bart Rathbone: So why are you runnin' in da middle of dis field?
Eugene Meltsner: Why are you drivin' in da middle of dis field?

#280: “Gone...”

Alex Jefferson: Thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine.
Bart Rathbone: You're slowing down. What's the problem?
Alex Jefferson: I just don't understand what sit-ups have to do with golf.
Bart Rathbone: Sit-ups have one thing to do with golf hole number six. You ain't getting the ball up that big hill with flabby stomach muscles like yours — now come on!

#471: “Fifteen Minutes”

John Whittaker: Bart, I don't feel that I could defend you in good conscience. I mean, I don't really care for the way Bryan Dern goes after people, but...well, I can't say he was altogether wrong.
Bart Rathbone: Wha? Whattaya talkin' about?
John Whittaker: Well, you do mistreat your customers, Bart, and you often have dishonest business practices.
Bart Rathbone: Aww, come on...now, you still can't be mad at me about that computer keyboard I sold ya!
John Whittaker: ...It had no "W".
Bart Rathbone: So you just use the "M" and turn the paper upside down! What's the big deal?

#586: “A Cheater Cheated”

Bart Rathbone: Okay, we're gonna have to move on to Plan B.
Doris Rathbone: But I forgot the pepper spray at home!
Bart Rathbone: Wrong plan!

#598: “My Favorite Thing”

Bart Rathbone: Never heard of her. But what an unfortunate last name.
Doris Rathbone: I'm here too.
Bart Rathbone: Doris!? I mean—uh, you're definitely not Doris! You're the—mail lady.
Doris Rathbone: No. I'm Doris.
Bart Rathbone: Doris! You was in the clear, and free, why didn't you run?
Doris Rathbone: Yeah, I was going to. But then, then I realized: I'd rather be in jail with you than eating Cheetos by myself!
Bart Rathbone: Aw... I love yous, too!

#609: “Prequels of Love”

Bart Rathbone: And I told him forever, forever, even in the writing, it says on the paper, right there and I read it: don't call me pop!
Rodney Rathbone: Eh, sorry about that, Pop!
Bart Rathbone: Ya see?

#500: “500”

Bart Rathbone: Rodney? You don't know him like I do.
Patrick O'Ryan: Do ya know him, Bart?

#121: “Missing Person”

Bart Rathbone: Are you cheatin' again?
Rodney Rathbone: No, pop! This time I took your king fair and square.
Bart Rathbone: You know I don't play that way. And don't call me "pop!"

#214: “The Living Nativity”

Bart Rathbone: Look at me — I'm pesperating here!

#254: “Truth, Trivia and 'Trina”

Bart Rathbone: Just a token of my depreciation.

#632: “Suspicious Finds”

Bart Rathbone: <singing> Electric Palace doo-dah song a-doo-dah...

#572: “Odyssey Sings!”

Bart Rathbone: Boy, you really put your foot in it that time. Is she always that snippy?
Eugene Meltsner: You have no idea.

#380: “The One About Trust, Part 1”

Bart Rathbone: It's all in the wrist. Keep your arm straight, circular motion. Whats'a matter?
Alex Jefferson: I guess I just don't understand what waxing your car has to do with... oh, never mind.

#471: “Fifteen Minutes”

Bart Rathbone: In fact, you have my personal guarantee that if we don't do a better job for less money, your windows will still be dirty!

#246: “My Fair Bernard”

Bart Rathbone: Here's your sundae.
Tom Riley: It looks like someone sat on it.
Bart Rathbone: Well, ah...<nervous chuckle>

#586: “A Cheater Cheated”

Bart Rathbone: No, Doris. The spit's what they turn the pig on to cook it over the hot coals. See?
Doris Rathbone: Oh, yeah. Just so they don't spit on it.

#257: “Aloha, Oy!, Part 2”

Bart Rathbone: We're supposed to start in a minute and I just thought I'd peek in and... you know, say something clever!
Bernard Walton: Like what, Bart?
Bart Rathbone: I dunno... ah, I couldn't think of anything. So how about, "may the best man win."
Bernard Walton: Thanks, Bart.
Tom Riley: Thank you, Bart.
Bart Rathbone: Course that means you may as well call it quits now, if ya get my drift!
Bernard Walton: Get out, Bart.

#287: “Tom for Mayor, Part 2”

Rodney Rathbone: Besides, we have a right to free speech. It's guaranteed in the first appendix.
Bart Rathbone: Ah, Bill of Rights.
Rodney Rathbone: The first Bill of Rights, yeah

#179: “You Gotta Be Wise”

Jellyfish: Do somethin' about your hair, huh?
Bart Rathbone: Yeah? Like what?
Jellyfish: Check the attic: maybe you can find a comb!

#326: “Gathering Thunder”

Bart Rathbone: My hearing ain't off because of the fireworks. It's 'cause you keep yellin' at me through that bullhorn!
Harlow Doyle: <through the bullhorn> I am not yelling at you through this bullhorn!

#364: “Home, Sweet Home”

Bart Rathbone: Lyrics? I don't remember anyone playing a lyric. Wow, they must be more talented than I thought!

#179: “You Gotta Be Wise”

Eugene Meltsner: It's how you would wanted to be treated, isn't it?
Bart Rathbone: No, I would want someone to take my order!

#586: “A Cheater Cheated”

Bart Rathbone: It takes more that a Whittaker to get me up early in the morning!

#463: “Green Eyes and Yellow Tulips”

Edwin Blackgaard: I... I'm speechless! I never expected to drink so deeply of the milk of human kindness. This token, this powerful symbol of acceptance and forgiveness, will ne'er be forgotten!
Bart Rathbone: I thought you said you were speechless.

#342: “Welcome Home, Mr. Blackgaard”

Bart Rathbone: Well, Brad — can I call ya "Brad"?
Bryan Dern: Sure, but my name's Bryan.

#198: “Treasure Hunt”

Bart Rathbone: Vote for me, and yous will get exactly what you deserve!

#286: “Tom for Mayor, Part 1”

Doris Rathbone: What's this?
Bart Rathbone: What's what? It's not a typo is it? I told that guy, "leader" is spelled with two e's!

#380: “The One About Trust, Part 1”

Bart Rathbone: I wasn't even sure the kid could read.

#179: “You Gotta Be Wise”

Woman: This is just what I need after a tough day.
Bart Rathbone: Lady, you musta had a lot of tough days.
Woman: What? Are you saying I'm fat?!
Bart Rathbone: Well, if the girdle fits...!

#586: “A Cheater Cheated”

Bart Rathbone: Oh, yeah? Yeah?! Well, I never liked your music, anyway! You guys ever hear of Lawrence Welk? He could run circles around you guys... without destroying a hotel! Ugh...so much for the sixties.

#164: “Sixties-Something”

Marvin Washington: <on the phone> Hi, Tamika. It's me, Marvin. Can you tell Mom and Dad I'm okay? I'll be home in about ten minutes. And Tamika...I just wanted you to know, I think I'd really miss it if you didn't talk so much; I mean, you can be really funny sometimes. No, I don't need to borrow any money; I was just sayin' that—never mind. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bart Rathbone: <on the phone with Doris> I, ah... I just wanna say I love you.
Bernard Walton: <on the phone with Maude> No, I am not going through a midlife crisis!
Bart Rathbone: No, really, it's Bart!

#609: “Prequels of Love”

Bart Rathbone: Money is a great way to clear your conscience, trust me!

#342: “Welcome Home, Mr. Blackgaard”

Bart Rathbone: Ey! If yas need any help fixing the skylight, give us a ring! I'll sell ya the parts wholesale! (Plus ten percent.)

#306: “A Victim of Circumstance”

Bart Rathbone: How can you sleep at a time like this?
Rodney Rathbone: You mean, two in the morning? That's when I'm usually asleep!
Bart Rathbone: That is no excuse.

#328: “Hard Losses”

Rodney Rathbone: Pop's proposed doin' a handyman show on Novacom TV: What's Wrong with Bart Rathbone.
Bart Rathbone: Now listen, it wasn't "What's wrong with Barthbone." It's What's Wrong, Hosted by Bart Rathbone!

#463: “Green Eyes and Yellow Tulips”

Bart Rathbone: [after watching Wooton win the competition] That proves it. There is nothing good on the T & V anymore!!

#480: “The Popsicle Kid”

Ed Washington: Nice shirt, Bart. I have one just like it.
Bart Rathbone: Yeah, yeah I know! It's yours.

#552: “Sunday Morning Scramble”

Cryin' Bryan Dern: Rathbone! What are you doing?!
Bart Rathbone: <in Joe Smith voice> How did you know it was me? <normal voice> Ahem, ahah, AHEM, AHAH! How did you know it was me?
Cryin' Bryan Dern: Your fake goatee fell off!
Bart Rathbone: Ohhhh.

#572: “Odyssey Sings!”

Bart Rathbone: If you can't take the heat, don't let the door hit you on the way out!

#586: “A Cheater Cheated”

Rodney Rathbone: <in his sleep> How about a little kiss, Ginger...?
Bart Rathbone: Ginger?! Rodney, wake up!

#328: “Hard Losses”

Bart Rathbone: What about you? Did you like it?
Shakespeare: Your intonation was really nice. Perhaps, though the song could have featured more references to love or longing or something that's not a household appliance.
Bart Rathbone: So was I bad enough to get on the T'n'V?
Brian Dern: If it was up to me, I'd put you on twice!

#572: “Odyssey Sings!”

Bart Rathbone: Health?
Edwin Blackgaard: And safety?
Dan Daventry: Inspector, right! I inspect buildings for health and safety! I've been checking all the buildings in Odyssey! And I don't mind saying that you've got a death trap for a store, Mr. Rathbone! Missing support beams, corrosive rust...
Bart Rathbone: Wait just a minute here!
Edwin Blackgaard: Well, inspector or not, there's still no excuse for sleeping through my performance!
Dan Daventry: On a couch placed in a position that clearly impedes easy access to the fire escapes! And I have a few other notes about the condition of the stage—the light rigging, the wiring... shall I go on?
Edwin Blackgaard: Oh... no need. I should have expected this from a fan of the Three Stooges.

#632: “Suspicious Finds”

Bart Rathbone: Uh... what are all these numbers here? The number for the police station?
Hotel Manager: No. The bill for the damage. The decimal point is on the far right.
Bart Rathbone: Oh, no...!
Hotel Manager: We take cash or credit card.

#164: “Sixties-Something”

Bart Rathbone: What about our right to cheap speech?

#463: “Green Eyes and Yellow Tulips”

Bart Rathbone: Oh... boy, do you need help.

#480: “The Popsicle Kid”



Doris

Rodney Rathbone: Duck! There's Tom Riley! <tires screech>
Rodney Rathbone: Why'd you duck?
Doris Rathbone: You said to duck!

#368: “The Other Woman”

Doris Rathbone: Someone get the number of that truck! Oh, wait. It's you, Eugene.

#380: “The One About Trust, Part 1”

Jimmy Barclay: You're our tour guide?
Don Iowa: That's right. Don Iowa, guest liaison.
Doris Rathbone: Ooh, I just love Hawaiian names - how do you spell that?
Don Iowa: D-O-N.
Doris Rathbone: No, your last name.

#256: “Aloha, Oy!, Part 1”

Doris Rathbone: How 'bout pulling out one of your hairs and putting it in your soup so they'll give it to you for free!

#598: “My Favorite Thing”

Doris Rathbone: What is that?
Bart Rathbone: Classical music. It aids the digestion.
Rodney Rathbone: I think it's workin'. I'm startin' to feel sick.

#243: “Family Values”

Bart Rathbone: I could write a book!
Doris Rathbone: Oh, yeah. It'd have to be a coloring book, the way you write.

#368: “The Other Woman”

Doris Rathbone: Nice man. Shame about that haircut, though — whew!

#380: “The One About Trust, Part 1”

Doris Rathbone: Who wants pork rinds?

#257: “Aloha, Oy!, Part 2”

Bart Rathbone: He left us.
Mary Barclay: I'm never going to see my children again.
George Barclay: This is unbelievable.
Doris Rathbone: I'll say. He took the pork rinds!

#258: “Aloha, Oy!, Part 3”

Doris Rathbone: Welcome to our humble commode!

#243: “Family Values”

Doris Rathbone: Oh, great. We're stuck out on the ocean in a soggy, rickety old rust bucket.
Captain Quid: Soggy, aye. Rickety, perhaps. Old rust bucket, maybe. But rat-infested?
Doris Rathbone: I didn't say rat-infested!
Captain Quid: I know, but she's also rat-infested.

#258: “Aloha, Oy!, Part 3”

Doris Rathbone: I don't know about this choke and dagger stuff.

#368: “The Other Woman”

Bart Rathbone: You're not getting the lobster; we can't afford it.
Doris Rathbone: Oh! Well, what can we get, then?
Bart Rathbone: Let me see, ah...there we go! Here's something for 20 cents: extra butter.

#598: “My Favorite Thing”

Doris Rathbone: You've got a son who's growing up to be a slob, just like his father, and you're talking about Tom Riley?

#368: “The Other Woman”

Doris Rathbone: My brother's as reliable as you are, Bart.
Rodney Rathbone: Uh-oh. We're in big trouble...

#397: “Tornado!”

Bart Rathbone: Okay, we're gonna have to move on to Plan B.
Doris Rathbone: But I forgot the pepper spray at home!
Bart Rathbone: Wrong plan!

#598: “My Favorite Thing”

Mary Barclay: Look at the size of the pig they're roasting!
George Barclay: I know, it's almost too big for the spit!
Doris Rathbone: They spit on that pig?

#257: “Aloha, Oy!, Part 2”

Bart Rathbone: Never heard of her. But what an unfortunate last name.
Doris Rathbone: I'm here too.
Bart Rathbone: Doris!? I mean—uh, you're definitely not Doris! You're the—mail lady.
Doris Rathbone: No. I'm Doris.
Bart Rathbone: Doris! You was in the clear, and free, why didn't you run?
Doris Rathbone: Yeah, I was going to. But then, then I realized: I'd rather be in jail with you than eating Cheetos by myself!
Bart Rathbone: Aw... I love yous, too!

#609: “Prequels of Love”

Doris Rathbone: Elaine, I have to say, your kids don't seem to be cut out for the elegance of the fine dining experience. HEY YOU! WAITER WITH THE TOUPÉEE! I NEED YA!

#598: “My Favorite Thing”

Bart Rathbone: No, Doris. The spit's what they turn the pig on to cook it over the hot coals. See?
Doris Rathbone: Oh, yeah. Just so they don't spit on it.

#257: “Aloha, Oy!, Part 2”

Rodney Rathbone: But what if the gang sees me carrying around a laundry basket? They'll start calling me sissy, too!
Doris Rathbone: Oh, quit your griping. I had a cousin named Sissy once. It's a very nice name.

#368: “The Other Woman”

Rodney Rathbone: Turn with him!
Doris Rathbone: If you say so.
Rodney Rathbone: Ma, you could've braked first.
Doris Rathbone: Well, they always do it that way on TV.

#368: “The Other Woman”

Doris Rathbone: What's this?
Bart Rathbone: What's what? It's not a typo is it? I told that guy, "leader" is spelled with two e's!

#380: “The One About Trust, Part 1”

Rodney Rathbone: Do we have a camera in the car?
Doris Rathbone: Are you kidding? Your dad broke the brownie after our trip to Hawaii, remember?

#368: “The Other Woman”

Doris Rathbone: Well! How rude! See if I ever come to one of his funerals again.

#609: “Prequels of Love”



Rodney

Rodney Rathbone: Are you crazy?
Richard Maxwell: Yes! Now get out of here!

#332: “Another Chance”

Rodney Rathbone: He got caught by Blackgaard and Jellyfish and they took him away. I followed 'em and the next thing I know, Maxwell's flyin' out of the car and rollin' down the hill! That's when I left.
Eugene Meltsner: How compassionate of you.

#333: “The Last Resort”

Doris Rathbone: What is that?
Bart Rathbone: Classical music. It aids the digestion.
Rodney Rathbone: I think it's workin'. I'm startin' to feel sick.

#243: “Family Values”

Rodney Rathbone: Duck! There's Tom Riley! <tires screech>
Rodney Rathbone: Why'd you duck?
Doris Rathbone: You said to duck!

#368: “The Other Woman”

Rodney Rathbone: He was great? What about me? I'm the one who braved the waves!
Donna Barclay: Braved the waves? You rode the board on your hands and knees!
Rodney Rathbone: You expected me to stand all the way up?

#257: “Aloha, Oy!, Part 2”

Rodney Rathbone: Leave him alone. What'd you do to him?
Sam Johnson: He didn't do anything to him Rodney. Look. Something came out of his eyes.
Rodney Rathbone: Gross. It looks like fish scales.

#305: “St. Paul: Set Apart by God”

Rodney Rathbone: He'll kill me when he finds out!

#121: “Missing Person”

Harlow Doyle: All right, Rathney, what's the problem?
Rodney Rathbone: What's the problem?!
Harlow Doyle: I asked you first.

#207: “The Case of the Candid Camera”

Bill Mason: He must have caught an updraft.
Donna Barclay: It's carrying him off.
Bill Mason: Yeah! Toward Pearl Harbor!
Rodney Rathbone: I want my mommy!

#258: “Aloha, Oy!, Part 3”

Rodney Rathbone: It didn't take no genius to figure it out.
Ashley Jenkins: Lucky for you.

#480: “The Popsicle Kid”

Rodney Rathbone: Outta my way losers, I'm a busy man! I've got places to be, people to beat up and problems to cause!

#443: “Changing Rodney”

Rodney Rathbone: And being the kind, generous, good-natured person that I am, I decided to help him out!

#189: “No, Honestly!”

Lucy Cunningham-Schultz: Rodney, you scared me.
Rodney Rathbone: Why, doing somethin' you're not supposed to?

#160: “A Rathbone of Contention”

Rodney Rathbone: Whoops! Wrong elevator!
Jason Whittaker: No, no, no, Rodney, come right in. There's plenty of room.

#333: “The Last Resort”

Rodney Rathbone: But you don't not know!
Robert Mitchell: Yeah— I mean no, I don't not know, I guess...
Rodney Rathbone: So if you don't not know, then you do know! And if you know that the answer isn't no, then you know that there's no way you can know I broke the window!
Robert Mitchell: Huh?
Rodney Rathbone: No further questions!

#467: “Broken Window”

Rodney Rathbone: Colby's old man has been lying through his teeth to the press!
Colby Cabrera: He has not! He's telling the truth! He didn't know anything about what was going on with Novacom!
Rodney Rathbone: Oh yeah, and Kennedy didn't know anything about the plot to kill John Wilkes Booth, Jr., either!
Alex Jefferson: There was absolutely nothing historically accurate about that sentence.

#507: “The Benefit of the Doubt”

Rodney Rathbone: Whoever is vandalizin' our vandalism is gonna get a severe pounding when I catch 'em.

#326: “Gathering Thunder”

Rodney Rathbone: What do you think I am? Dumb or somethin? Look dweebs, you gotta be a real dope to believe in Bigfoot!

#390: “No Bones About It”

Rodney Rathbone: I hate baseball. I'd rather be working on my minibike.

#121: “Missing Person”

Rodney Rathbone: It all started when I took Denver to Whit's End.
Harlow Doyle: You took a whole city to Whit's End?!

#207: “The Case of the Candid Camera”

Rodney Rathbone: Move, please. Do you know you're a large person and you're in my way?
Mandy Straussberg: Maybe "excuse me" would work better, Rodney.

#443: “Changing Rodney”

George Barclay: Now let me get this straight. You're telling me that Mark Reed is going to rob my house on Saturday?
Rodney Rathbone: That's right, Mr Barclay.
George Barclay: And at the same time, he's going to be taking our picture at the church?
Rodney Rathbone: Uh-huh.
George Barclay: What is he, twins?
Rodney Rathbone: No, no. He's not gonna do it; his crony is.
George Barclay: His crony is gonna take our picture?
Rodney Rathbone: No. Reed is gonna take the picture. His crony is gonna rob you!

#189: “No, Honestly!”

Bart Rathbone: Our grand opening is in three weeks. Turn around and show 'em, Rodney.
Rodney Rathbone: Okay.
Eugene Meltsner: Opens in three "weks?"
Bart Rathbone: Uh, that's supposed to be three weeks. Rodney!
Rodney Rathbone: They got the point!

#160: “A Rathbone of Contention”

Bart Rathbone: There's something going on around here, and I am going to find out what it is.
Rodney Rathbone: Meaning you're gonna make me find out what it is.
Bart Rathbone: Exact-a-mundo!

#214: “The Living Nativity”

Rodney Rathbone: How come you didn't have any more kids?
Paul McCusker: I think that was an act of Congress, come to think of it.

#501: “Inside the Studio”

Rodney Rathbone: Or else what?
Isaac Morton: Or else I'll call you a barnyard animal!

#108: “Isaac the Courageous”

Bart Rathbone: There's no protecting our house as long as Rodney's living there.
Rodney Rathbone: Thanks, Pop!

#397: “Tornado!”

Connie Kendall: Court is now in recess!
Rodney Rathbone: Oh yeah! When the going gets tough, the tough go outside and play on the swings!

#467: “Broken Window”

Rodney Rathbone: For fifty days wages, I'll be Ricky Ricardo if ya want.

#304: “St. Paul: The Man from Tarsus”

Captain Richard Quinn: So where's the statue now?
Rodney Rathbone: Right over there.
John Whittaker: What?
Rodney Rathbone: I was using it to hold up the antenna on my TV!

#548: “Sounds Like a Mystery”

Norton Hollingsworth: You want me to break into their house and take their TV?
Rodney Rathbone: No, I want you to break into their house and water their plants for them!

#521: “Hindsight”

Rodney Rathbone: Where's Denver?
Harlow Doyle: In Colorado! Oh, that Denver.

#207: “The Case of the Candid Camera”

Rodney Rathbone: Oh, I get it. You don't believe me. Is that it?
George Barclay: Well, how should I put this? Uh, no.
Rodney Rathbone: But why? It's the truth.
George Barclay: Rodney, correct me if I'm wrong. But aren't you the guy who forced my son to sell chocolate candy bars door-to-door for a charity called "The Send Rodney to Disney World Fund"?
Rodney Rathbone: Well, uh, I've never been there.

#189: “No, Honestly!”

Rodney Rathbone: Every time adults talk about principles, I get in trouble.

#115: “An Act of Mercy”

Sam Johnson: What did the mother bullet say to the daddy bullet?
Rodney Rathbone: What?
Sam Johnson: We're gonna have a be-be!

#301: “The Good, the Bad and Butch”

Colby Cabrera: You're just a—
Rodney Rathbone: <grabbing him> You sure you wanna finish that sentence?
Alex Jefferson: Don't bother, Colby; it's not worth it.
Colby Cabrera: I'm finishing the sentence!
Rodney Rathbone: I'd love to hear the end!
Alex Jefferson: Let it go!
Colby Cabrera: <shouting> I'll tell you what you are, Rodney!! You're nothin' but a—! <scene change>

#507: “The Benefit of the Doubt”

Lucy Cunningham-Schultz: There's only one "l" in "electric."
Bart Rathbone: I told ya, Rodney.
Rodney Rathbone: Hey, I'm in charge of promotion, not spellin'!

#160: “A Rathbone of Contention”

Eugene Meltsner: Young Rathbone, you'll have the chance to tell your side of the story later. But for now, you will keep your muscles immobile and your oral cavity tightly sealed!
Rodney Rathbone: Huh?
Connie Kendall: He means, keep still and be quiet.
Eugene Meltsner: I believe I said that.

#182: “The Scales of Justice”

Rodney Rathbone: That tree went right through my room! I hope my stereo's okay...

#397: “Tornado!”

Rodney Rathbone: Do I look like I'm stupid?
Connie Kendall: Um...
Rodney Rathbone: Strike that from the record.

#467: “Broken Window”

Rodney Rathbone: Not even my pop believed me.

#189: “No, Honestly!”

Rodney Rathbone: Be there or... be someplace else.

#179: “You Gotta Be Wise”

Rodney Rathbone: Thanks, Pop. You won't regret it.
Bart Rathbone: I already do regret it. I still don't like any of this. And don't call me--
Rodney Rathbone: Hey, I'm on the phone, Pop.

#325: “Angels Unaware”

Rodney Rathbone: I just want something a little more... punchy, that's all.
Lucy Cunningham-Schultz: Punchy?! If it were any more punchy, it'd have two black eyes and a broken nose!
Rodney Rathbone: Hey, that's good! Can you put that in somewhere?
Lucy Cunningham-Schultz: No, I don't think so.

#160: “A Rathbone of Contention”

Rodney Rathbone: I got this great little gadget from my Dad's shop, a radio scanner that picks up on car phones.
John Whittaker: Oh, Rodney.
Rodney Rathbone: It's totally legal, and it works great. That's how I know all the times and places of the break-ins.
John Whittaker: You're telling me that you followed Mark Reed around this whole area for several days eavesdropping on his car telephone?
Rodney Rathbone: Yeah, sure.
John Whittaker: And you wonder why people don't believe you.
Rodney Rathbone: But I did. Honest!
John Whittaker: I'm finding a little difficult to believe you know the meaning of that word, Rodney.

#189: “No, Honestly!”

Bart Rathbone: Are you cheatin' again?
Rodney Rathbone: No, pop! This time I took your king fair and square.
Bart Rathbone: You know I don't play that way. And don't call me "pop!"

#214: “The Living Nativity”

Bart Rathbone: Rodney, don't be a dolt.
Rodney Rathbone: But, Pop!
Bart Rathbone: Anyone dumb enough to do what youse did deserves what he gets. And don't call me Pop.

#306: “A Victim of Circumstance”

Rodney Rathbone: Hey, you're an adult. You can't do this to me! Eugene, you're a witness!
Eugene Meltsner: Witness to what?

#333: “The Last Resort”

Doris Rathbone: My brother's as reliable as you are, Bart.
Rodney Rathbone: Uh-oh. We're in big trouble...

#397: “Tornado!”

Rodney Rathbone: Well, I haven't taken that class three times because I think the seats are well-cushioned!

#443: “Changing Rodney”

Rodney Rathbone: Thank you, I'm calling Rodney P. Rathbone to the stand.
Connie Kendall: That's you.
Rodney Rathbone: I know!

#467: “Broken Window”

Bart Rathbone: And I told him forever, forever, even in the writing, it says on the paper, right there and I read it: don't call me pop!
Rodney Rathbone: Eh, sorry about that, Pop!
Bart Rathbone: Ya see?

#500: “500”

Alex Jefferson: Rodney, did you or did you not get kicked out of Whit's End yesterday?
Rodney Rathbone: Yeah, so?
Alex Jefferson: Did you, or did you not try to get revenge?
Rodney Rathbone: Of course I did! What's your point?
Alex Jefferson: No further questions!

#467: “Broken Window”

Rodney Rathbone: Yeah, and I haven't been able to sleep real well the last few nights because I've been feeling guilty.
Mandy Straussberg: What about?
Rodney Rathbone: What, do you want an alphabetical list or one that goes chronically?

#443: “Changing Rodney”

Rodney Rathbone: I thought at least you'd believe me. You're supposed to be the guy who gives everyone a chance.
John Whittaker: That's just the point. I have given you a chance, chance after chance. Everybody has. Now you're expecting me to believe that you're trying to be honest by telling me that you did something dishonest. Well, it just doesn't work that way. Trust and a reputation of honesty have to be earned.
Rodney Rathbone: But, how else was I supposed to get the information?
John Whittaker: You still have convinced me that any information needed to be gotten.
Rodney Rathbone: Look, Mr. Whittaker, I admit I've pulled some scams in the past.
John Whittaker: Yes, you have.
Rodney Rathbone: And the reason I pulled them was because I knew there was something in it for me. That's what makes it different. This time there's absolutely nothing in it for me.
John Whittaker: Really? What about revenge? "Robert M. Lee", remember?
Rodney Rathbone: Well, at first maybe I wanted to back at him, but not now. I'm just trying to keep some people from getting their houses ripped off. You gotta believe me, Mr. Whittaker. Please!
John Whittaker: Well, there's no reason why I should believe you Rodney, but since you feel so strongly about this, the least I can do is check into it.

#189: “No, Honestly!”

Rodney Rathbone: Besides, we have a right to free speech. It's guaranteed in the first appendix.
Bart Rathbone: Ah, Bill of Rights.
Rodney Rathbone: The first Bill of Rights, yeah

#179: “You Gotta Be Wise”

Rusty Gordon: Let's find out who it was and just pound him.
Rodney Rathbone: We gotta do more than pound him.
Rusty Gordon: You mean, you wanna do something in addition to pounding him?
Rodney Rathbone: Exactly.
Rusty Gordon: Oh, okay. Just as long as pounding is included.

#301: “The Good, the Bad and Butch”

Rodney Rathbone: A car made out of popsicle sticks. That's weaker than zit cream.

#480: “The Popsicle Kid”

Isaac Morton: I thought you didn't want to be rescued.
Rodney Rathbone: Are you kidding? I'd rather be rescued and have to deal with my dad than sit around here and have more counseling sessions with you.

#121: “Missing Person”

Rodney Rathbone: They wanted a funny injury.

#557: “A Lamb's Tale”

Rodney Rathbone: But what if the gang sees me carrying around a laundry basket? They'll start calling me sissy, too!
Doris Rathbone: Oh, quit your griping. I had a cousin named Sissy once. It's a very nice name.

#368: “The Other Woman”

Rodney Rathbone: I'd like to call Mitch! ...Whatever your last name is.

#467: “Broken Window”

Rodney Rathbone: I just wanted help on my algebra, not a personality transplant!

#443: “Changing Rodney”

Rodney Rathbone: Okay, so Wednesday we're beating up Todd, right?
Rusty Gordon: I thought we said Thursday!
Brian Evans: No, Thursday we're egging the nursing home.

#301: “The Good, the Bad and Butch”

Rodney Rathbone: I plead the fifth commandment!
John Whittaker: How 'bout the ninth commandment: "thou shalt not lie"?

#189: “No, Honestly!”

Rodney Rathbone: Pop, what'd you wake me up for? I was just about to get a kiss!

#328: “Hard Losses”

Rodney Rathbone: Turn with him!
Doris Rathbone: If you say so.
Rodney Rathbone: Ma, you could've braked first.
Doris Rathbone: Well, they always do it that way on TV.

#368: “The Other Woman”

Rodney Rathbone: Where were you on the morning of...this morning?

#467: “Broken Window”

Jason Whittaker: Rodney's been through enough i'm sure he's learned his lesson- right Rodney?
Rodney Rathbone: Whatever.

#306: “A Victim of Circumstance”

Rodney Rathbone: Hey, I didn't do nothin'! That rock slipped out of my hand while I was cleanin' it!

#463: “Green Eyes and Yellow Tulips”

Bart Rathbone: How can you sleep at a time like this?
Rodney Rathbone: You mean, two in the morning? That's when I'm usually asleep!
Bart Rathbone: That is no excuse.

#328: “Hard Losses”

Rodney Rathbone: Do we have a camera in the car?
Doris Rathbone: Are you kidding? Your dad broke the brownie after our trip to Hawaii, remember?

#368: “The Other Woman”

Rodney Rathbone: Pop's proposed doin' a handyman show on Novacom TV: What's Wrong with Bart Rathbone.
Bart Rathbone: Now listen, it wasn't "What's wrong with Barthbone." It's What's Wrong, Hosted by Bart Rathbone!

#463: “Green Eyes and Yellow Tulips”

Rodney Rathbone: <in his sleep> How about a little kiss, Ginger...?
Bart Rathbone: Ginger?! Rodney, wake up!

#328: “Hard Losses”