Jacobs quotes

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An automatically created list of quotes by the Jacobs family.

Quotes

Dale

Dale Jacobs: Marjorie Sadler? Oh, no.
John Whittaker: What's wrong?
Dale Jacobs: Marjorie Sadler has visited my office a number of times. Every week she has a new complaint against somebody. The guys in the newsroom call her "the crank lady". Two weeks ago she said that the Nazis were putting drugs in the city water supply to make us all move to Germany.
Connie Kendall: Uh-oh.

“Muckraker”

Dale Jacobs: It’s just you’re my biggest fan. Uh, I’m your biggest fan. I mean, my wife is your biggest fan. She listens to your broadcast everyday. You and Mike Carp.
James Dobson: Uh, Trout.

“Dobson Comes to Town”

John Whittaker: Say, who's this handsome young gentleman you've brought with you?
Robyn Jacobs: He's not a handsome gentleman, he's my dad!
Dale Jacobs: Oh, thanks a lot, Robyn!

“You Go to School Where?”

Bart Rathbone: So, so, you are interested in the Bones of Rath, huh?
Dale Jacobs: That’s right Bart. See I’m ah...
Bart Rathbone: Hey, you and everybody in Odyssey. They are the biggest thing since sliced peaches.

“You Gotta Be Wise”

Robyn Jacobs: They wore black sweaters. You know, sorta like crooks on TV? And they talked funny! Like they had containers!
Dale Jacobs: Containers?
Robyn Jacobs: Yeah, containers! You know, to straighten your teeth?
Ann Jacobs: I think you mean retainers.
Robyn Jacobs: Yeah, that too!

“But, You Promised”

Dale Jacobs: What does the cloth, feel like?
John Whittaker: A cloth, Dale! That's what it is!
Dale Jacobs: Really? What a let down!

“The Jesus Cloth”

Dale Jacobs: <after Robyn clears her throat loudly> Oh, uh. I think we're being paged.

“You Go to School Where?”

Dale Jacobs: Congratulations, Rusty.
Rusty Gordon (Malone) : Thanks. And thank you all. Because without you there would've been no one to clap for me.

“The Fundamentals”

Dale Jacobs: Something's coming out with tentacles. It's huge! It's monstrous!! It's-it's-AUGHH!!
Edwin Blackgaard: Dale! Dale? Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry but we seem to have lost contact with Dale. I've been informed that the police are at the scene now and well we'll break here until we have an update.

“Terror from the Skies”

Ann Jacobs: Dale, are you all right? Your face is flushed, and what happened to the knees of your pants?
Dale Jacobs: Oh, I tripped in the alley.
Ann Jacobs: What were you doing in an alley?
Dale Jacobs: Hiding from Scotland Yard! Silly question.

“The Labyrinth, Part 2”

Joe Finneman: Connie, Dale. There is no story. Now really. Ok?
Dale Jacobs: Ok, I read ya. But you need to know that I'm gonna keep digging. I think you do have a story and I think it deserves to be told.

“The War Hero”

Dale Jacobs: You sure you're telling us everything?
Robyn Jacobs: Well, yeah, Dad. That's all I can think up-, uh-, I mean, remember.

“But, You Promised”

Dale Jacobs: Chicken pot pie... Turkey pot pie... The new meatloaf pot pie... Meatloaf pot pie? Ew...

“Better Late than Never”

Dale Jacobs: We are actually here to engage in a time-honored tradition.
John Whittaker: Really?
Robyn Jacobs: Yeah, our annual back-to-school chocolate soda!
John Whittaker: Oh? How long have you had this tradition?
Dale Jacobs: What time is it now?

“You Go to School Where?”

Sue: I can do an American accent! I've heard it in the movies! <in bad American accent> Hi. How are ya? Nice to meet ya!
Dale Jacobs: Oh, is that how they think we talk?
Sue: Isn't it?

“The Labyrinth, Part 1”

Jason Whittaker: So you'll see that I have all the things found in a normal business man's suitcase. A notepad, a laptop, and this hidden compartment.
Ann Jacobs: Ooh, that's a useful feature.
Dale Jacobs: I used to have a typewriter like that.
Sue: What's a typewriter?

“The Labyrinth, Part 2”

Dale Jacobs: "As Crusty as They Wanna Be"?
Robyn Jacobs: Great, huh?
Dale Jacobs: Fitting.

“You Gotta Be Wise”

Jason Whittaker: Everything in me agreed with Billings. I wanted vengeance just as much as he did. I could feel it. Under different circumstances, I might have done exactly the same thing.
Dale Jacobs: Somehow I doubt it.
Jason Whittaker: Yeah but see, that's the labyrinth, Dale. To live in lies to save the truth. How's a man supposed to do that? I mean even for a good cause.
Dale Jacobs: I don't know, Jason. I'm a journalist. I've had to live with that question my entire career. The taste of lies is foul, and it's even worse if you get used to it. I know that good will win in the end. But I have to pray for forgiveness if I've taken a wrong step while fighting for what's good.

“The Labyrinth, Part 3”

Robyn Jacobs: I think you might want to sit down.
Dale Jacobs: We are sitting.
Robyn Jacobs: Oh yeah, you are.

“But, You Promised”

Dale Jacobs: It means that Esther learns at home, instead of going to a real- uh, I m-mean a regular-, uh, formal school. Help?!

“You Go to School Where?”

Melanie Jacobs: Hi. Did Jesus come back?
Dale Jacobs: Sorry, honey. Not tonight.
Melanie Jacobs: Oh. Maybe tomorrow?
Dale Jacobs: Could be any minute sweet heart. Could be any minute.

“The Second Coming”

Dale Jacobs: That's an accordion? I thought that they recorded a traffic jam.

“You Gotta Be Wise”

Dale Jacobs: Take the pill, Robyn. And keep your fingers crossed.
Robyn Jacobs: DAD! Why are you saying that?
Dale Jacobs: Saying what? I just don't want anything else to happen to you. You escaped the bike crash - knock on wood - and now we're going to get you all better. Cross my heart.
Robyn Jacobs: DAD!!!
Dale Jacobs: We even hung a horseshoe over your door.
Robyn Jacobs: A horseshoe?!
Dale Jacobs: We probably should have taken it off the horse first.

“Bad Luck”

Dale Jacobs: Don't they teach you American history in this country?
Sue: Not if they can help it.

“The Labyrinth, Part 2”

Jessie Morales: You're late for your meeting, Robyn! You'll have to run!
Dale Jacobs: But be careful of the sidewalk!
Robyn Jacobs: Why?
Jessie Morales: Step on a crack...

“Bad Luck”

Jason Whittaker: How do you feel about breaking and entering?
Dale Jacobs: Ooo, that'll take me back to my days as a rookie on the newspaper! Name the place, Buckingham Palace? 10 Downing St?
Jason Whittaker: Actually you'll be breaking into my room at the Groveler Hotel.
Sue: Wow! Isn't that posh!

“The Labyrinth, Part 1”


Ann

Ann Jacobs: <about Melanie> That girl’s pretty industrious when she sets her mind to it.

“The Second Coming”

Robyn Jacobs: They wore black sweaters. You know, sorta like crooks on TV? And they talked funny! Like they had containers!
Dale Jacobs: Containers?
Robyn Jacobs: Yeah, containers! You know, to straighten your teeth?
Ann Jacobs: I think you mean retainers.
Robyn Jacobs: Yeah, that too!

“But, You Promised”

Ann Jacobs: Dale, are you all right? Your face is flushed, and what happened to the knees of your pants?
Dale Jacobs: Oh, I tripped in the alley.
Ann Jacobs: What were you doing in an alley?
Dale Jacobs: Hiding from Scotland Yard! Silly question.

“The Labyrinth, Part 2”

Jason Whittaker: So you'll see that I have all the things found in a normal business man's suitcase. A notepad, a laptop, and this hidden compartment.
Ann Jacobs: Ooh, that's a useful feature.
Dale Jacobs: I used to have a typewriter like that.
Sue: What's a typewriter?

“The Labyrinth, Part 2”

Sue: Um, are you going to eat those French fries?
Ann Jacobs: Oh, help yourself.
Sue: Thanks!

“The Labyrinth, Part 2”


Robyn

Robyn Jacobs: Start from the center, and play a deaf cabbage!

“The Treasure of LeMonde!”

Robyn Jacobs: <about the prison> ...It's wet, and it stinks, and I'm cold. It's terrible.
Unknown: Excuse me, don't forget the rats... It's wet, it stinks, it's cold, and the rats like to nibble at your ankles.
Unknown: Hey the food is bad too you know. You can't put together a list of complaints about this prison, without griping about the food.
Unknown: Right, so what do we have? Let's see it's wet, it stinks, it's cold, the rats like to nibble at your ankles, and the food is bad.
Unknown: Did you mention the plumbing?
Unknown: I don't think I did. Do we have any?
Unknown: No.
Unknown: Then we should mention it.

“Elijah, Part 1”

Robyn Jacobs: They looked like real bad guys. And...and they talked funny.
Oscar Peterson: My big brother talked funny after he went to the orthodontist. Did these guys wear retainers?
John Whittaker: Never mind, Oscar!

“But, You Promised”

Jessie Morales: There's a flea on the fly on the hair on the wart on the frog on the knot on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea, there's a flea on the fly on the hair on the wart on the frog on the knot on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea. There's a hole! There's a hole. There's a hole in the bottom of the seaaa. There's aaaaa hole in the bottom of the sea, there's a hole in the bottom of the s-
Robyn Jacobs: ENOUGH with the hole in the bottom of the sea!!

“All's Well With Boswell”

Robyn Jacobs: I don't want to be late for anything ever again!

“Better Late than Never”

John Whittaker: Say, who's this handsome young gentleman you've brought with you?
Robyn Jacobs: He's not a handsome gentleman, he's my dad!
Dale Jacobs: Oh, thanks a lot, Robyn!

“You Go to School Where?”

Jack Davis: Hey, look, it's Robyn Roter! Hi, Greensleeves. How's it going?
Robyn Jacobs: I'm not in the mood, Jack. Hi, Oscar.
Oscar Peterson: Hi, Robyn.

“Good Business”

Robyn Jacobs: Uh huh, Mr. L-A-P-H himself.

“The Greatest of These”

Robyn Jacobs: Would someone please get me outta here?

“Elijah, Part 1”

Robyn Jacobs: They wore black sweaters. You know, sorta like crooks on TV? And they talked funny! Like they had containers!
Dale Jacobs: Containers?
Robyn Jacobs: Yeah, containers! You know, to straighten your teeth?
Ann Jacobs: I think you mean retainers.
Robyn Jacobs: Yeah, that too!

“But, You Promised”

Jessie Morales: But you'll get bad luck if you don't, Robyn. I had a great Aunt once who had nothing but bad luck.
Robyn Jacobs: What happened to her?
Jessie Morales: Once she got her purse stolen after a hurricane went through her neighborhood, and her house caught fire from a short circuit in a gift electric blanket for her water bed.
Robyn Jacobs: Really? All that happened to her at the same time?
Jessie Morales: Yeah. Well, over six years.

“Bad Luck”

Tom Riley: There's a... hole in the bottom of the sea!
Jessie Morales: Hey!
Robyn Jacobs: Don't even THINK about it, Jessie.

“All's Well With Boswell”

Robyn Jacobs: Let's play volleyball.

“Better Late than Never”

Robyn Jacobs: <alarm clock rings> Oh! What dummy set this thing for five o'clock? Oh, yeah, I did!

“A Worker Approved”

Connie Kendall: Oh, I forgot to tell you—I talked to the camp director, and he thinks you're right. The girls should be given a chance to compete with the boys at some things.
Robyn Jacobs: Really?
Connie Kendall: Yep, so tomorrow afternoon we're gonna compete with them in archery, canoes, and a relay race.
Donna Barclay: That's great.

“Connie Goes to Camp, Part 1”

Oscar Peterson: Is that a new dress?
Robyn Jacobs: Yeah!
Oscar Peterson: It's pretty! I had an aunt who was buried in a dress like that.
Robyn Jacobs: Thanks, Oscar.

“Good Business”

Dale Jacobs: You sure you're telling us everything?
Robyn Jacobs: Well, yeah, Dad. That's all I can think up-, uh-, I mean, remember.

“But, You Promised”

Eugene Meltsner: May I inquire to the source of your depression?
Melanie Jacobs: She just lost a hundred dollars.
Robyn Jacobs: Tell the whole world, Melanie!
Eugene Meltsner: You misplaced one hundred dollars? Then I would suggest an immediate search of the area and perhaps a call to the police.
Melanie Jacobs: She didn't lose the money out of her pocket; she just didn't win it...

“A Test for Robyn”

Dale Jacobs: We are actually here to engage in a time-honored tradition.
John Whittaker: Really?
Robyn Jacobs: Yeah, our annual back-to-school chocolate soda!
John Whittaker: Oh? How long have you had this tradition?
Dale Jacobs: What time is it now?

“You Go to School Where?”

Robyn Jacobs: Oh sure, go ahead. When does the great Henry Fernbank think Jesus is supposed to come back?
Melanie Jacobs: Saturday! <AIO theme plays>

“The Second Coming”

Robyn Jacobs: Boswell! Boswell, you promised you wouldn't get up there! Get away from that food! BOSWELL! Oh no!
Jessie Morales: You're right, Robyn! That is ONE BIG CAT!
Robyn Jacobs: Thanks a lot, Jessie! Kitty-Crunchy's all over the floor. Another mess to clean.
Jessie Morales: Why don't you just put Boswell down and just eat it up? ...Okay, bad suggestion. But, Robyn, that is one big cat.
Robyn Jacobs: I KNOW, Jessie! Look, there has got to be a broom around here somewhere. See if you can find it.
Jessie Morales: Okay.

“All's Well With Boswell”

Robyn Jacobs: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Donna Barclay: Robyn, what's wrong?
Robyn Jacobs: Get it out of my sleeping bag!
Donna Barclay: What? I don't see anything!
Robyn Jacobs: A bug! It's crawling up my sleeping bag to attack me! There it is! Quick, stomp it, squish it, smash it!!
Donna Barclay: You mean this? This is the barrette for your hair.
Robyn Jacobs: Oh, that's where it went.

“Connie Goes to Camp, Part 1”

Dale Jacobs: "As Crusty as They Wanna Be"?
Robyn Jacobs: Great, huh?
Dale Jacobs: Fitting.

“You Gotta Be Wise”

Robyn Jacobs: All right, guys. You win. If you help me finish the lawns I said we'd do, I've give you what you want.
Jack Davis: You'll give us seven dollars and seventy-five cents?
Robyn Jacobs: No. I'll give you all of it: the whole ten dollars.
Jack Davis: What?!!
Oscar Peterson: But you can't! We only asked for—
Jack Davis: Quiet, Oscar! Be quiet!

“Good Business”

Jack Davis: <voiceover> I greeted her the way all great detectives greet women. <to Robyn> Hiyah, doll face. What's the latest news?
Robyn Jacobs: The report of your damaged body if you don't call me by my real name.

“Heatwave”

John Whittaker: How do you like school this year, Robyn?
Robyn Jacobs: You're kidding, right?
John Whittaker: Sorry, I guess that was a pretty dumb question!

“You Go to School Where?”

Robyn Jacobs: I think you might want to sit down.
Dale Jacobs: We are sitting.
Robyn Jacobs: Oh yeah, you are.

“But, You Promised”

Robyn Jacobs: Mom is late for things. She says it's fashionable!

“Better Late than Never”

Jessie Morales: Good grief Robyn, no wonder you lose everything. Don't you ever clean your locker?
Robyn Jacobs: Is this your imitation of my mom? Help me look!

“Melanie's Diary”

Robyn Jacobs: I just wanna stay out of it until it all blows over. Hope there's something good on TV. (Whit laughs a little) What?
John Whittaker: Oh, it's sad, but what you just said probably summarizes how most people really feel about the second coming if the truth were known.

“The Second Coming”

Bernard Walton: There was a certain jewish man named Mordecai who was at the palace.
Melanie Jacobs: Why was he there?
Bernard Walton: Uh, I think he worked there.
Robyn Jacobs: What kind of work did he do?
Bernard Walton: Uh, I don't know he was probably a window washer. It's a very noble profession you know.

“Bernard and Esther, Part 1”

Unknown: Robyn!
Robyn Jacobs: Uh huh?
Unknown: Why don't you remind us of what Manifest Destiny is?
Robyn Jacobs: Uh... It was when... The boat called the Manifest Destiny was sunk by... um... England and everybody got mad.

“A Test for Robyn”

Jessie Morales: If you rub a rabbit's foot, it'll bring you good luck.
Robyn Jacobs: Good luck for who? Not the rabbit, that's for sure.

“Bad Luck”

Robyn Jacobs: Alright! Alright! Keep your shirt on!

“The Greatest of These”

Robyn Jacobs: Why does everything have to echo in dreams?... echo in dreams... echo in dreams... echo in dreams.

“Better Late than Never”

Robyn Jacobs: We'll show 'em, we can be just as tough as they are! ...Anyone seen my teddy bear?

“Connie Goes to Camp, Part 1”

Dale Jacobs: Take the pill, Robyn. And keep your fingers crossed.
Robyn Jacobs: DAD! Why are you saying that?
Dale Jacobs: Saying what? I just don't want anything else to happen to you. You escaped the bike crash - knock on wood - and now we're going to get you all better. Cross my heart.
Robyn Jacobs: DAD!!!
Dale Jacobs: We even hung a horseshoe over your door.
Robyn Jacobs: A horseshoe?!
Dale Jacobs: We probably should have taken it off the horse first.

“Bad Luck”

Helen Langford: You actually jumped her and beat her?!
Robyn Jacobs: Yeah. How else are you going to win at checkers?
Helen Langford: Perhaps some math problems would be best.

“You Go to School Where?”

Robyn Jacobs: I don't believe it! Leave me alone! I'm not superstitious!
Jessie Morales: "Superstitious"? That word has thirteen letters in it! Thirteen is bad luck!

“Bad Luck”

Jessie Morales: You're late for your meeting, Robyn! You'll have to run!
Dale Jacobs: But be careful of the sidewalk!
Robyn Jacobs: Why?
Jessie Morales: Step on a crack...

“Bad Luck”


Melanie

Melanie Jacobs: Do you know how old she is?
John Whittaker: Monica? Oh, fifteen or sixteen, I guess.
Melanie Jacobs: She's eleven.

“A Model Child”

Eugene Meltsner: Studying, there are few things I appreciate more than an evening burning the midnight oil. Pouring over text after text in search of things I haven't learned or mastered. Alas, such evenings are very rare now.
Melanie Jacobs: Because you're almost finished with college?
Eugene Meltsner: No. Because I know almost everything there is to know.
Melanie Jacobs: <under her breath> Oh, please.

“A Test for Robyn”

Bernard Walton: How are the Jacobs girls today?
Melanie Jacobs: Bummed.
Bernard Walton: Bummed?
Melanie Jacobs: Yeah, you know. Upset.
Bernard Walton: Oh, good. For a second I thought you were gonna start riding the rails.

“Bernard and Esther, Part 1”

Jenny Roberts: I want you to do something for me Melanie.
Melanie Jacobs: What?
Jenny Roberts: I want you to close your eyes real tight, no fair peaking.
Melanie Jacobs: Oh,this is one of those pretend I'm blind, so I know how you feel games, right?
Jenny Roberts: No, I just want you to keep your eyes closed while I read you something.
Melanie Jacobs: But how can you read if you're blind?
Jenny Roberts: I wrote this in braille on my computer, please just listen, OK? It's a letter I was gonna write before I found out I was coming to visit.
Melanie Jacobs: Ok, my eyes are closed.
Jenny Roberts: "Dear Mel, Hi Ya! I got your letter today and made me laugh when my Mom read it to me.
Melanie Jacobs: Your Mom has been reading my letters to you!!!
Jenny Roberts: Just listen. "I Guess your now wondering why my Mom read your letter. Well, it's like she always says, "An once of truth is worth a pound of excuses." Or maybe it was "Feed a cold and starve a fever." Or "A burdened hand catches the early worm." Anyway you know how Moms are , she's always good at giving me advice.

“Pen Pal”

Eugene Meltsner: May I inquire to the source of your depression?
Melanie Jacobs: She just lost a hundred dollars.
Robyn Jacobs: Tell the whole world, Melanie!
Eugene Meltsner: You misplaced one hundred dollars? Then I would suggest an immediate search of the area and perhaps a call to the police.
Melanie Jacobs: She didn't lose the money out of her pocket; she just didn't win it...

“A Test for Robyn”

Melanie Jacobs: Getting mad won't help anything. Getting even will.

“Melanie's Diary”

Robyn Jacobs: Oh sure, go ahead. When does the great Henry Fernbank think Jesus is supposed to come back?
Melanie Jacobs: Saturday! <AIO theme plays>

“The Second Coming”

Bernard Walton: There was a certain jewish man named Mordecai who was at the palace.
Melanie Jacobs: Why was he there?
Bernard Walton: Uh, I think he worked there.
Robyn Jacobs: What kind of work did he do?
Bernard Walton: Uh, I don't know he was probably a window washer. It's a very noble profession you know.

“Bernard and Esther, Part 1”

Melanie Jacobs: Hi. Did Jesus come back?
Dale Jacobs: Sorry, honey. Not tonight.
Melanie Jacobs: Oh. Maybe tomorrow?
Dale Jacobs: Could be any minute sweet heart. Could be any minute.

“The Second Coming”

Melanie Jacobs: Take the sum total of the generations between Adam and Jesus based on the combined genealogies of Matthew and Luke. Then divide by 40, and add 12...

“The Second Coming”