Bryan Dern

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Bryan Dern
Bryandern.jpg
Voiced by
Episode appearances
Nickname
Cryin' Bryan Dern
Occupation
{{{occupation}}}
Religion
Type
[[:Category:{{{type}}} Characters|{{{type}}}]][[Category:{{{type}}} Characters]]
First episode
Last episode


This article is about the popular talk jock on Odyssey 105. For other uses, see Bryan (disambiguation)

Bryan Dern (commonly known by his nickname Cryin' Bryan Dern) is a non-Christian radio shock jock who is known for his biting comments. He is often used by writers to bring humor to episodes.

Second to Regis Blackgaard, Dern is easily the show's most upfront atheist. He even planned to debate John Whittaker and his Christianity, but Dern's efforts to catch Whit saying something embarrassing backfired when a bomb threat was leveled against Dern (#223: “Real Time”). Little else has been said about his atheism since then. Dern, who has also been known to act as a reporter for Odyssey 105, is voiced by Corey Burton, who also plays an obviously more ethically inclined reporter, Brock Peterson, along with ever faithful harlequin Walter Shakespeare.

Family

Grandma Dern has appeared once on the show, and Bryan commented that she sounded like someone hailing a cab in rhinoceros language.

Main article: Dern family

Quotes

Bryan Dern: You know, I was thinking about it, and I wonder if maybe that song needs something. I dunno, maybe, uh, WORDS?! And I think the accordion player could use A SEDATIVE!

#313: “Top This!”

Bryan Dern: Ladies and gentlemen. Dr. Regis Blackgaard!
Connie Kendall: WHAT?!
Jason Whittaker: No! It can’t be!
Regis Blackgaard: Hello, Odyssey. I’ve come home.
Connie Kendall: I can’t believe it!
Jason Whittaker: This is impossible! He’s... he's dead!

#329: “The Return”

Bryan Dern: I know it seems like magic but if you'd just listened to the beginning of the program, you'd know it was a tape of the best of the Cryin' Bryan Dern Show.
Connie Kendall: Oh. Well, I guess that makes sense.
Bryan Dern: I'm so happy. Now I'd love to stand here and give you another lesson in basic radio 101, but I have a show to do with your boss. Shall we, Mr. Whittaker?

#223: “Real Time”

Bryan Dern: Melvin Steward, our intrepid newsman, looks like he's about to have a stroke!

#397: “Tornado!”

Bryan Dern: Okay so, now I'm bored. Bored, bored, BORED! There's nothing to talk about! The most excitement around here is a little press conference with the mayor. According to the two people who actually attended, they've decided to bury the new time capsule back in the basement at Whit's End. Well, whoopedy, doopedy, doo!!

#637: “The Forgotten Deed”

Bryan Dern: Wait a minute, Walton. I can be a lot of things, but I will not be a role model. Do you hear me? I am NOT a role model!

#622: “B-TV: Temptation”

Jack Allen: Bart, we can't continue this debate unless you follow the rules.
Bart Rathbone: Rules, schmules! This is a free country. Anybody should be able to do what they want! That's the difference between me and Riley. I'm into freedom and he's a, whaddayacall, an intolerant hatemonger.
Tom Riley: What?
Bart Rathbone: Did I stutter?
Jack Allen: Gentlemen, please.
Bryan Dern: Nah, let em go! This is getting good!

#287: “Tom for Mayor, Part 2”

Bryan Dern: Okay, we still don't have a winner in the ‘What Is He Saying contest’; I'll play the clip again. <John Campbell sings gibberish> What is he saying?
Unknown: I think he said, “The monkey man has no place in the circle of confusion”?

#313: “Top This!”

Bryan Dern: Good morning! Well, it was a good morning until my boss dragged me out’a bed to do double duty as – that's right – your Saturday morning talk show host. It’s me, Cryin’ Bryan Dern, with you... all morning.

#397: “Tornado!”

Bryan Dern: Were you singing, or were you trying to hail a cab in rhinoceros language?!

#572: “Odyssey Sings!”

John Whittaker: Park the car, will you Connie?
Connie Kendall: I'll be in as soon as I find a space.
Bryan Dern: Try the one between your ears, honey.

#223: “Real Time”

Bryan Dern: If anybody sees a goofy-looking eighteen-year-old kid with hair like a frightened porcupine carrying a sack of salami sandwiches... tell him to GET TO THE RADIO STATION — I'M STARVING HERE!!

#623: “Buddy Guard”

Unknown: If you really hate polka so much, you should turn to Q94. They got some great music, and you could win a big screen TV.
Bryan Dern: ...Oh, I think we have a winner! My friend, YOU are more annoying than this music!

#313: “Top This!”

Bryan Dern: Really? Are you suggesting a conspiracy by members of our government to suppress the truth from the common man?
Eugene Meltsner: No.
Bryan Dern: Well, I am! That's a lot more interesting than what you just said isn't it?

#637: “The Forgotten Deed”

Bryan Dern: Iiiiincredible! My ears haven't hurt this bad since I got my head stuck in the elevator door!

#572: “Odyssey Sings!”

Bryan Dern: I'm tired of people always thinking about themselves!
PJ Manning: Yeah, me too!
Bryan Dern: You know what you're gonna do, PJ?
PJ Manning: What?
Bryan Dern: You're gonna sue!
PJ Manning: Dude! PJ now stands for "prepare for jurisprudence!"

#623: “Buddy Guard”

Bryan Dern: What do you think about all this?
Bart Rathbone: What do I think? What do you think I think?! I think it's terrible, that's what I think! What do I think...

#328: “Hard Losses”

Bryan Dern: Hey, Bernard!
Bernard Walton: How would you like a squeegee shoved up your nose?

#637: “The Forgotten Deed”

Connie Kendall: Why did you have to pick a judge who was so quick to quack?
Bryan Dern: I admit, I'm a quick quacker.

#572: “Odyssey Sings!”

Bryan Dern: You're lucky I didn't rant even more. I've got lots to say about people with glasses!

#622: “B-TV: Temptation”

Bryan Dern: I'm just gonna play another song. This one is called...'The Sheboygan Shuffle'. Somebody knock me out, I'd like to be unconscious for awhile.

#313: “Top This!”

Bart Rathbone: I mean, if this isn't proof positive that Riley shouldn't serve as mayor, then I am a monkey's uncle!
Bryan Dern: Again, well said! Especially the monkey part.

#328: “Hard Losses”

Bryan Dern: Can we move on now? I have a root canal I'd like to get to.

#572: “Odyssey Sings!”

Bryan Dern: And that was Ketchup with his first solo single, "I Love Your New Nose, Baby."

#623: “Buddy Guard”

Bryan Dern: And that was, once again, my favorite song. Stay tuned and I'll play it again in a couple of minutes. This is Cryin' Bryan Dern, making it up as I go along! I'm now in my 25th straight hour. It's been one day, and, oh, 30 cups of coffee since I took over the studio and I'm feelin' great! And if anybody tries to come in here and get me...that includes you, Casey, I see you out there, sneaking around...if you get any closer, I'm gonna take this coffee here and pour it into about $50,000 worth of equipment! People, there's nothing scarier than Bryan Dern when he gets his second wind! Lemme play my song again. I'm giving away polka CDs. Lots and lots of polka CDs. Be the seventh caller right now and you get a copy of 'The Best of the Schmitkee Trio!' What a fabulous edition this will be to someone's music library. Call now! Yes, congratulations, you're my seventh caller.
Johanne Schmingee: Alright!
Bryan Dern: What's your name, sir?
Johanne Schmingee: Johanne Schmingee.
Bryan Dern: Well, Johanne, you have just won hours and hours of polka fun! This CD, and I don't think I'm exaggerating here, could be the polka standard by which all other polkas are measured! The Schmitkee trio has always been a lighthouse in a sea of polka mediocrity...eh, well, for me at least.
Johanne Schmingee: Me, too! This is the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me in my life!
Bryan Dern: Play it long, play it loud, Johann, and my deepest apologies to Johanne Schmingee's neighbors!

#313: “Top This!”

Captain Richard Quinn: One thing you should know, Mr. Dern, is that the fellow who planted that bomb did it to protest your program.
Bryan Dern: Oh. Well, it's nice to know I'm popular.

#223: “Real Time”

Bryan Dern: Please, God, I don't wanna die!!!

#223: “Real Time”

Bryan Dern: This is Cryin' Bryan Dern goin' into my 94th hour of being on the air. Whaddaya wanna do? Maybe I should play a song. Uh...here's one. I can't tell you what it is, because my contact lenses have become a permanent part of my eyeballs and...everything's kinda blurry. I can't seem to get this disk in the player. Forget it. Maybe I should sing a little song...I'll do a little song that my mother used to sing...wow. I never knew my thumb could do this. I know. Let's have a moment of silence for...somebody. Are we at war or anything? Give me some ideas people, will...yes, we have a caller. We have a caller! You're on the air.
Radio caller #4: Yes, my hamster's been kind of sick lately.
Bryan Dern: Perfect. What's your hamster's name?
Radio caller #4: Binky.
Bryan Dern: Great! Let's have about an hour of silence for Binky. Wake me up when you're done.

#313: “Top This!”

Bart Rathbone: Well, Brad — can I call ya "Brad"?
Bryan Dern: Sure, but my name's Bryan.

#198: “Treasure Hunt”

Bryan Dern: You're fired, PJ. <beat> After you get me a sandwich.
PJ Manning: Yes, sir.

#623: “Buddy Guard”

Bryan Dern: I'm going home. I have no control over my left eyelid anymore. Look at that.
Casey Parker: Ew, gross.

#313: “Top This!”


Episodes

Bryan Dern is voiced by Corey Burton, has appeared in 25 episodes, and has received an average user rating of 92%.