Blackgaard quotes

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A list of quotes by the Blackgaards.

Edwin Blackgaard[edit]

Edwin: I'll...call a cab. ...Precisely how do you call a cab, Shakespeare?
Shakespeare: With a phone, sir.

“Break a Leg”

Shakespeare: Perhaps if we promote the theater in more innovative ways, people will come to our productions.
Edwin: Innovative? Say you're not thinking about those tacky little pins with our names printed along the edge or a pot holder with my face on it. I have no desire to have hot pans pressed against my face, Shakespeare!

“Break a Leg”

Edwin: Go on, go on! Read what's on it!
Shakespeare: Made in Taiwan.
Edwin: The other side.

“Break a Leg”


Edwin Blackgaard: You want to play a particular kind of turnip, Eugene?

“A Class Act”

Edwin Blackgaard: No, no, NO, Shakespeare! When I say a ROARING fire, I want to FEEL it singeing my eyebrows!

“A Class Reenactment”

Edwin Blackgaard: And may I commend you for this makeshift stage you've concocted on this horrid gazebo.
Shakespeare: You may.
Edwin Blackgaard: Consider yourself commended.

“Double Trouble”

Edwin Blackgaard: Would any of you care to join Margaret and I tonight? We're dining on cheeseburgers and then...then we're going to see that new action adventure movie with lots of explosions and automobile chases...hoo hoo! Looks exquisite!

“I Slap Floor”

Mr. Miffland: Well as they say in show business, break a leg.
Edwin Blackgaard: Of course. Equal wishes for your various limbs as well.

“Terror from the Skies”

Harold J. Leech: My name is Leech.
Edwin Blackgaard: I'm so sorry.

“The Merchant of Odyssey”

Bart Rathbone: What about Shakespeare? Can't he do that?
Edwin Blackgaard: He could if he were here. There was only enough money for one first class ticket. So he volunteered to hitchhike back.

“The Taming of the Two”

Edwin Blackgaard: ...I'd like to thank you for allowing our two man troupe to bring a little Hamlet, to your little--hamlet.

“Welcome Home, Mr. Blackgaard”

Edwin Blackgaard: I know, I know. But did we have to set it in Alaska?!

“A Class Act”

Edwin Blackgaard: Country bumpkin, am I? Ineffective, talentless muppet, am I!? Mr. Banquo, I stab at thee!

“A Class Reenactment”

Edwin Blackgaard: Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut. Shakespeare, let's not be hasty. Pray continue, Mr. Walton
Bernard Walton: Huh? Okay. Our Father, who art in heaven—
Edwin Blackgaard: No, no, no. I mean tell me more.

“My Fair Bernard”

Dale Jacobs: Something's coming out with tentacles. It's huge. it's monstrous. It's-it's..
Edwin Blackgaard: Dale! Dale? Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry but we seem to have lost contact with Dale. I've been informed that the police are at the scene now and well we'll break here until we have an update.

“Terror from the Skies”

Edwin Blackgaard: Shakespeare, the car!
Shakespeare: Right out back, sir.
Edwin Blackgaard: Ah! Well, then. The door!
Shakespeare: Opening it now, sir.

“The Merchant of Odyssey”

Edwin Blackgaard: Just like me? Did you hear what he said, Shakespeare?
Shakespeare: Yes, sir. Uh, sir...
Edwin Blackgaard: My good man, I'll have you know there is no one just like me.
Shakespeare: Sir--
Edwin Blackgaard: Edwin Blackgaard is one of a kind!
Shakespeare: Sir--
Edwin Blackgaard: Edwin Blackgaard is incomparable!
Shakespeare: Sir--
Edwin Blackgaard: Edwin Blackgaard is...
Shakespeare: A twin!

“The Return”

Edwin Blackgaard: Have you forgotten how we left? Under the cover of darkness, cowering with our tails between our legs like stray ducks?
Walter Shakespeare: I think you mean dogs, sir. Cowering out of town like stray dogs?
Edwin Blackgaard: What difference does it make?!?

“Welcome Home, Mr. Blackgaard”

Edwin Blackgaard: All right, children. Are you prepared for an experience you will never forget? <undertone> No matter where your dull middle class suburban lives take you.

“A Class Reenactment”

Edwin Blackgaard: Typical, typical! People will waste their time watching little terrors wandering around in pink pajamas with cotton balls on their rear ends, yet they neglect to appreciate authentic drama such as performed here at the Harlequin Theatre.
Shakespeare: Perhaps we could learn something from them.
Edwin Blackgaard: Shakespeare, I will not prance about in pink pajamas. Not my color.

“For Trying Out Loud”

Jack Allen: Alright, Bart. What do you really want?
Bart Rathbone: I'll write it down.
Jack Allen: Probably your first born child.
Edwin Blackgaard: Oh, good. I'm a bachelor. Although I suppose he could take Shakespeare.

“The Merchant of Odyssey”

Regis Blackgaard: Oh, and Edwin...
Edwin Blackgaard: Yes?
Regis Blackgaard: If you see Mumsy, give her my love. And tell her she still owes me for the hip operation!

“The Return”

Walter Shakespeare: Sir? Sir, I really don't think you need to duck behind me anymore. No one seems to be taking notice of us. And those who are-
Unknown: Good morning!
Unknown: Good morning!
Walter Shakespeare: Good morning.
Edwin Blackgaard: Ahh!!!
Walter Shakespeare: Sir, those who are taking notice of us are very cordial.
Edwin Blackgaard: They're setting me up for the kill! Lulling me into a false sense of security! Be prepared to run, Shakespeare, especially if you see tar and feathers!

“Welcome Home, Mr. Blackgaard”

Edwin Blackgaard: Tell the good people, Edwin Blackgaard is going to teach the people how to...act.

“A Class Act”

Trent DeWhite: We don’t wanna be a married couple!
Edwin Blackgaard: You don’t wanna? Oh dear me, how sad! Shakespeare, fetch me my violin.
Walter Shakespeare: Violin, coming up!

“A Class Reenactment”

Edwin Blackgaard: I found myself doing "to be or not to be" in rap!
Walter Shakespeare: It...drew a crowd, sir.
Edwin Blackgaard: Only because I threw out my back doing the hand gestures!

“Break a Leg”

Edwin Blackgaard: Shakespeare! Bring down the curtain. Bring down the curtain!
Shakespeare: But sir, you're both standing under it!
Edwin Blackgaard: I don't care! Bring it down!

“My Fair Bernard”

Bart Rathbone: Ow, must have been painful.
Edwin Blackgaard: My bass drum will never be the same.

“The Merchant of Odyssey”

Morton Dunkey: I'm a partner in the firm Dunkey, Dunkey, Dunkey, Dunkey, and McCormick. Actually, I'm the third Dunkey.
Edwin Blackgaard: Well, congratulations. I'm so happy for you.

“Welcome Home, Mr. Blackgaard”

Trent DeWhite: Couldn’t you just, you know...change the script a little?
Edwin Blackgaard: What?!
Walter Shakespeare: Change Mr. Blackgaard’s script?!

“A Class Reenactment”

Edwin Blackgaard: Just imagine it, a man of my acting stature reduced to a foot.
Walter Shakespeare: Really, you're much taller than that sir.

“B-TV: Behind the Scenes”

Edwin Blackgaard: I'd have to have my brain replaced with a broccoli sprout to agree to such a thing!

“Break a Leg”

Shakespeare: The place is packed!
Edwin Blackgaard: A full house!
Wooton Bassett: Oh, wow! And my first performance! Oh, no! I think I'm getting sick! Okay, good thoughts. Lime jello. Carborators. Fresh stick anti-perspirant. Ant farms. Sea monkeys. Cheese.

“For Trying Out Loud”

Bernard Walton: It wasn't that bad, was it?
Edwin Blackgaard: No, no, no! You were simply being you. You can't help being what you are. I should never have tried to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

“My Fair Bernard”

Eugene Meltsner: Hellooo! Mr. alien! I am Eugene Meltsner and I am your friend. Do you understand? I am your friend. Ow! Cease and desist! Wrapping your tentacle around me is not conducive to good communication. Ow! STOP!
Edwin Blackgaard: Eugene!? Eugene!
Eugene Meltsner: I'll have to get back to you Ed!
Edwin Blackgaard: Terrible. Just terrible.

“Terror from the Skies”

Jack Allen: Oh, what a tangled web we weave...
Edwin Blackgaard: When first we practice to deceive!

“The Merchant of Odyssey”

Edwin Blackgaard: Well, that's just ducky, Mr. Donkey!
Morton Dunkey: That's Dunkey
Edwin Blackgaard: Whatever.

“Welcome Home, Mr. Blackgaard”

Edwin Blackgaard: Speak so you will be heard.

“A Class Act”

Edwin Blackgaard: <talking to Eugene> No, they want to hear drama!
Walter Shakespeare: That’s right!
Edwin Blackgaard: Spectacle!
Walter Shakespeare: Spectacle!
Edwin Blackgaard: Crisis!
Walter Shakespeare: Crisis!
Edwin Blackgaard: And the true story has none of those elements!
Walter Shakespeare: None!

“A Class Reenactment”

Walter Shakespeare: (lifts a very heavy suitcase) What's in here?!
Edwin Blackgaard: My reviews!
Walter Shakespeare: But, sir, I thought we were packing light!
Regis Blackgaard: Why don't you pack really light and take only the good reviews?

“The Return”

Edwin Blackgaard: I see by the gaggle of parents gathering at the door that we are over our time.

“A Class Act”

Edwin Blackgaard: I've scraped more talent out from under my fingernail.

“A Class Act”

Horace McAlister: <the Founding of Odyssey> Whatever we call it, the name should tell people that...that they’re in for the adventure of a lifetime! It’s in a beautiful valley, a place that everybody...everybody oughta see.
Edwin Blackgaard: <today> No one said anything more. And apart from a spelling change, that’s how our town has been known ever since. A town that survived its reputation as “the stinking swamp” became a town known for community and redemption--a town that all of us are happy to call our home and our dream – Odyssey.

“A Class Reenactment”

Edwin Blackgaard: Eugene's a poor - whatever he is - and also works at Whit's End.

“A Class Act”

Edwin Blackgaard: Young lady, do I give you advice on hair scrunchies?
Mandy Straussberg: What?
Edwin Blackgaard: Hair scr-r-r-runchies. You appear to be an expert on them.

“A Class Reenactment”


Regis Blackgaard[edit]

Aubrey Shepard: Connie, who is that?
Connie Kendall: It's...it's...
Regis Blackgaard: That's right. It is I, Dr. Regis Blackgaard.

“Blackgaard's Revenge, Part 1”

Richard Maxwell: Well, what do you think? Are you going to hire her?
Regis Blackgaard: No. Whittaker's hold on her is too great. However she can still be used for our immediate purposes.
Richard Maxwell: You mean to get Whittaker out of the way for the vote.
Regis Blackgaard: Yes. But it must be done carefully so they don't suspect anything.

“The Nemesis, Part 2”

Bryan Dern: Ladies and gentlemen. Dr. Regis Blackgaard!
Connie Kendall: WHAT?!
Jason Whittaker: No! It can’t be!
Regis Blackgaard: Hello, Odyssey. I’ve come home.
Connie Kendall: I can’t believe it!
Jason Whittaker: This is impossible! He’s...he's dead!

“The Return”

Connie Kendall: You have more loopholes than a spaghetti strainer!
Regis Blackgaard: Ah, yes, that Odyssian humor...

“Waylaid in the Windy City, Part 2”

Aubrey Shepard: What are you so afraid of?
Regis Blackgaard: Afraid? I'm not afraid of anything young lady! You are bordering on insolence.

“Blackgaard's Revenge, Part 2”

Regis Blackgaard: Fools! Come after me in the tunnel...if you dare.

“The Final Conflict”

Regis Blackgaard: You silly little coward!
Richard Maxwell: What?
Regis Blackgaard: You dare even think about disobeying my orders! Just remember, my fine young man, that I hold your future. We both know that you're guilty of far worse acts than changing a few grades of a few eggheads at the college! Perhaps you'd like me to pick up the phone and tell the authorities about them?
Richard Maxwell: N-no, please!
Regis Blackgaard: That's better. You're a smart fellow, Richard. I'm going to need people like you when I take over this town.

“The Nemesis, Part 2”

Regis Blackgaard: Mwahahaha!

“500”

Regis Blackgaard: I know about TA-418. I've always known. Do you think I ever cared about your petty revolution or your mosquito of a group? There's so much more going on here than you can possibly understand, or even imagine! But you have fulfilled your purpose; for that, I thank you. Of course, you also stabbed me with a needle, and for that...make it look like an accident, Abdul.

“A Name, Not a Number, Part 2”

Aubrey Shepard: You're just a computer program.
Regis Blackgaard: Ah, but I'm a program that knows the truth. What is that saying? The truth shall set you free. I want to set you free, Aubrey.

“Blackgaard's Revenge, Part 1”

Regis Blackgaard: You're very clever Whittaker, but not clever enough. There's only one way you can get rid of me. And that's to come in here and do it personally!

“Blackgaard's Revenge, Part 2”

Regis Blackgaard: You're not here to think, Glossman! You're here to do as you're told! Now listen carefully. I'll speak slowly and use small words so you'll be sure to understand. I need free reign of Whit's End and its surrounding grounds.

“Checkmate”

Richard Maxwell: Connie, this is my boss.
Connie Kendall: Hello.
Regis Blackgaard: How do you do, Miss Kendall. My name is Blackgaard. Dr. Regis Blackgaard.

“The Nemesis, Part 1”

Regis Blackgaard: Oh, and Edwin...
Edwin Blackgaard: Yes?
Regis Blackgaard: If you see Mumsy, give her my love. And tell her she still owes me for the hip operation!

“The Return”

Regis Blackgaard: "Property of John A. Whittaker, Whit's End, Odyssey." It truly is a small world! Whittaker. (evil laugh)

“Waylaid in the Windy City, Part 1”

Regis Blackgaard: Laugh now Whittaker, but I'm not finished with you. Not by a long shot.

“Waylaid in the Windy City, Part 2”

Aubrey Shepard: Did you burn down Mr. Riley's barn?
Regis Blackgaard: Absolutely not. A thug named Richard Maxwell did that. And afterwards he burnt down my business Blackgaards Castle as well. A business I might add that was direct competition for Whit's End. It was only due to my diligence that Maxwell was caught and sent to prison for his crimes.

“Blackgaard's Revenge, Part 1”

Regis Blackgaard: The flaw in your proposal is that you assume my soul is redeemable. It isn't. I auctioned it off years ago.
Jack Allen: Then you sold yourself cheap. Your soul is worth the life of Jesus Christ. To give it to anyone else is an incredible waste.

“The Final Conflict”

Connie Kendall: Yeah? Well, you better watch it, bub. Cause I know John Avery Whittaker and he-
Regis Blackgaard: What a coincidence. So do I.
Connie Kendall: Huh? Who said that?
Regis Blackgaard: I did. Hello, Miss Kendall.
Connie Kendall: You!
Regis Blackgaard: Yes, Dr. Regis Blackgaard at your service.

“Waylaid in the Windy City, Part 1”

Aubrey Shepard: Did you try to steal a top secret government computer in Chicago?
Regis Blackgaard: Oh how absurd! I was working for the government at the time, trying to get the computer back. It was Whittaker who was under suspicion.

“Blackgaard's Revenge, Part 1”

Regis Blackgaard: You fool.You understand now? I don't need your God. I've come up with my own way to have eternal life! Wait--wait, something is wrong. This isn't isn't what's supposed to happen. What's going on?!
John Whittaker: It's over, Blackgaard.

“Blackgaard's Revenge, Part 2”

Regis Blackgaard: No, no, no, no, no, Miss Kendall! Don't try to think! Leave that to me.

“Waylaid in the Windy City, Part 2”

Aubrey Shepard: Did you take over Whit's End?
Regis Blackgaard: Is that what they told you? Aubrey, I acquired Whit's End legally. It's all a matter of public record. You can look it up if you like.
Aubrey Shepard: And Odyssey?
Regis Blackgaard: I only wanted what is best for the town. Same as Whittaker.

“Blackgaard's Revenge, Part 1”

Regis Blackgaard: So I suggest you run for your life.

“The Final Conflict”

Walter Shakespeare: (lifts a very heavy suitcase) What's in here?!
Edwin Blackgaard: My reviews!
Walter Shakespeare: But, sir, I thought we were packing light!
Regis Blackgaard: Why don't you pack really light and take only the good reviews?

“The Return”

Regis Blackgaard: Wh-who is this?
Tasha Forbes: He's a friend of mine--Jason Whittaker.
Regis Blackgaard: Whittaker?
Jason Whittaker: What's the matter?
Regis Blackgaard: Oh, I'm sorry. It's just that I knew a Whittaker once. He was from a small town you probably never heard of, Odyssey.
Jason Whittaker: You know my father?

“A Name, Not a Number, Part 1”

Regis Blackgaard: If you want her that badly, Whittaker, you're gonna have to come in here personally and get her. If you have the courage, that is.

“Blackgaard's Revenge, Part 1”

Regis Blackgaard: Check and mate! Congratulations, Glossman! It's about time you did your job correctly.

“Checkmate”

Regis Blackgaard: Unfortunately, your father and I didn't always see eye to eye. In fact we usually ended up on opposite sides. I regret that. But there were things he didn't know at the time.

“A Name, Not a Number, Part 1”

Regis Blackgaard: For so long I have awaited this day...Whit's End is mine!

“Checkmate”

Regis Blackgaard: Oh, you fool! Why wouldn't I?! Goodbye, Jack Allen!

“The Final Conflict”

Regis Blackgaard: You see, my dear Jason, it's not I, but you who don't know what you're getting into.

“The Return”