Barclay quotes

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George

Donna Barclay: OK, OK. I’m giving him my alarm clock.
George Barclay: Terrific. That way he can see how late he’s keeping us up.

“Pet Peeves”

George Barclay: Mary? You might want to talk to the butcher. This chicken tasted a lot like hamburger.

“George Under Pressure”

George Barclay: So what denomination is First Church anyway?
Ellis Birch: Well--that kind of depends on the pastor.

“Pokenberry Falls, R.F.D., Part 1”

Donna Barclay: How much longer till we get there?
George Barclay: Bout an hour kids.
Jimmy Barclay: Dad, you said that an hour ago.
George Barclay: Yes, and it's just as true now as it was when I first said it.

“The Barclay Family Ski Vacation”

Donna Barclay: Can I get you anything?
Mary Barclay: Uh...some ice water would be nice. George?
George Barclay: A new head. Mine just exploded.

“Thanksgiving at Home”

Felicia: So now, you're a priest, is that right?
George Barclay: Uh, a pastor.
Felicia: Oh, well, priest, pastor...Listen, I have always wanted to ask this question. Will heaven have latte?

“Living in the Gray, Part 1”

Connie Kendall: Little Jimmy lives in D.C.?
George Barclay: Not so little Jimmy lives in D.C. So when Whit told me about the wedding, I just had to come see you.
Connie Kendall: Does that mean you'll marry us?
George Barclay: I'd be honored.

“Something Blue, Part 2”

George Barclay: It all started in Donna's room when I couldn't get her attention because she had her stereo on.
Donna Barclay: Right, so you walked in.
George Barclay: Who's telling this story?
Donna Barclay: We both are!

“Modesty is the Best Policy”

George Barclay: What's the matter with you?
Jimmy Barclay: Nothing, I wanna go home, that's all. I always have to wait forever for you and mom every Sunday morning after the service!
George Barclay: Always, Jimmy? Forever, Jimmy? I mean, do we need an attitude check, Jimmy?

“A Mission for Jimmy”

George Barclay: I'm sure your [dune] buggy's all right. I mean, it seemed to be built pretty solid.
Jimmy Barclay: Yeah, it said on the box the company uses only the best plastic.

“The Visitors”

Donna Barclay: Dad, you're lost aren't you?
George Barclay: Lost me? George Rand McNally Barclay lost? Honey, hand me the map.

“The Barclay Family Ski Vacation”

George Barclay: We can sacrifice the TV!
Jimmy Barclay: What are we gonna do, burn it on a bunch of rocks?

“The Meaning of Sacrifice”

George Barclay: Wait a minute, Mary, what are you doing with that whiffle ball set?
Mary Barclay: I’m putting it in the “to sell” stack.
George Barclay: You can’t do that; I want to keep it.
Mary Barclay: George, it’s a plastic ball and bat — that look like they’ve been through a meat grinder.
George Barclay: Well, they were chewed up by Sparky. I loved that dog; they’re the only reminder I have of him.

“Treasures of the Heart”

George Barclay: <dreaming> The pickin's mighty slim out in the park, but I did manage to bag this squirrel!
Jimmy Barclay: Eh... That looks more like a rat, Dad.
George Barclay: Squirrel? Rat? It's meat, ain't it? Fire up the stew-pot, Mary! We're gonna eat tonight..... <waking up> No... we can't... No!

“Our Daily Bread”

Unknown: Anything else?
George Barclay: Two aspirin, please.
Unknown: Coming right up.
Bart Rathbone: What's the matter, you got a headache?

“Aloha, Oy!, Part 1”

George Barclay: Should we try to hitch hike, maybe?
Chester: Are you kidding? You never know what kind of lunatic will pick ya up.

“Family Vacation, Part 2”

Bart Rathbone: He left us.
Mary Barclay: I'm never going to see my children again.
George Barclay: This is unbelievable.
Doris Rathbone: I'll say. He took the pork rinds!

“Aloha, Oy!, Part 3”

George Barclay: Now let me get this straight. You're telling me that Mark Reed is going to rob my house on Saturday?
Rodney Rathbone: That's right, Mr Barclay.
George Barclay: And at the same time, he's going to be taking our picture at the church?
Rodney Rathbone: Uh-huh.
George Barclay: What is he, twins?
Rodney Rathbone: No, no. He's not gonna do it; his crony is.
George Barclay: His crony is gonna take our picture?
Rodney Rathbone: No. Reed is gonna take the picture. His crony is gonna rob you!

“No, Honestly!”

George Barclay: Something happened in Sunday school, right? Mr. Whittaker made you read one of those verses with long names again?

“A Mission for Jimmy”

George Barclay: This may come as a terrible shock to you all, but this family is not independently wealthy. I mean, these things all take money, and although I never thought I’d hear myself say this, money doesn’t grow on trees.
Donna Barclay: We know that. That’s why they make credit cards.
George Barclay: Very funny, Donna.

“A Good and Faithful Servant”

Barry Lionel: This morning I was a warped frustrated old man. What am I now?
George Barclay: You're still a warped frustrated old man, but sir I need help.

“It's a Pokenberry Christmas, Part 2”

George Barclay: [to his family] Do you all hear what you're saying?
Ellis Birch: I do! And I like what they're saying!
George Barclay: Thanks- thanks for the input, Ellis!

“Pokenberry Falls, R.F.D., Part 2”

George Barclay: OK, everyone is present and accounted for, so a quorum is definitely present!
Jimmy Barclay: Excuse me, but will the chair please speak in English? Boy, you send a guy to seminary...

“Pet Peeves”

Ellis Birch: Technically, I am an executive associate to the office of the president.
George Barclay: Meaning?
Ellis Birch: I'm Mr. Lionel's gopher.

“Pokenberry Falls, R.F.D., Part 1”

George Barclay: I decided to take a break from studying and do a cheerier activity! Paying the bills...

“George Under Pressure”

George Barclay: To you warped, frustrated, rich old man, they're sheep.

“It's a Pokenberry Christmas, Part 1”

George Barclay: Now let that be a lesson to you kids: always leave your campsite cleaner then when you found it!
Donna Barclay: This is so weird!
George Barclay: What? What's the matter?
Donna Barclay: We're in our living room, Dad!

“Our Best Vacation Ever”

Rodney Rathbone: Oh, I get it. You don't believe me. Is that it?
George Barclay: Well, how should I put this? Uh, no.
Rodney Rathbone: But why? It's the truth.
George Barclay: Rodney, correct me if I'm wrong. But aren't you the guy who forced my son to sell chocolate candy bars door-to-door for a charity called "The Send Rodney to Disney World Fund"?
Rodney Rathbone: Well, uh, I've never been there.

“No, Honestly!”

George Barclay: Nice headline. But what's this?
Jimmy Barclay: It's the missionary, of course!
George Barclay: It is? With a plate on his head?
Jimmy Barclay: That's a safari hat. I kinda made it to look like a halo, you know, being like a saint and stuff?
George Barclay: Ah. But, uh, what happened to the rest of him? Is that supposed to be his body there?
Jimmy Barclay: No. You can't see his body, because he's in a pot.
George Barclay: A pot.
Jimmy Barclay: Yeah! And there's the fire at the bottom. Neat idea, huh?

“A Mission for Jimmy”

George Barclay: As much as it pains me, and for reasons heretofore stipulated, I must vote my conscience and cast a "no" to Fido.

“Pet Peeves”

Donna Barclay: We're going to get our haircuts!
Jimmy Barclay: Or, hairs cut, if you want to be precise.
George Barclay: Is it just me, or are you three acting funny?

“George Under Pressure”

Donna Barclay: Let's go skiing next summer!
George Barclay: It doesn't work that way, Honey.

“The Barclay Family Ski Vacation”

George Barclay: There are five tickets, and only four of us.
Lawrence Hodges: Uh, guys?
Mary Barclay: It would have to be somebody close to us...
Lawrence Hodges: Have I ever you guys how much you mean to me?
Donna Barclay: And someone who would appreciate the educational value of the trip...
Lawrence Hodges: My next school report is on Hawaii's flora and fauna. If only I had some samples...

“Aloha, Oy!, Part 1”

George Barclay: We gave up a nice situation in Odyssey to come to this...crummy, drafty old town.
Jimmy Barclay: You forgot measly, dad.
George Barclay: Crummy, drafty, measly old town.

“It's a Pokenberry Christmas, Part 1”

George Barclay: A fire and a pot and...what are all these figures in the background here?
Jimmy Barclay: The cannibals doing their native dance.
George Barclay: Cannibals?!
Jimmy Barclay: Right. See, he's a missionary to them, and they decided they were gonna—
George Barclay: Hold, hold, hold it! Don't—don't finish, I don't wanna know.

“A Mission for Jimmy”

George Barclay: That's what happens when you rent from a place called "Jack's Pretty Good Wheels."

“Aloha, Oy!, Part 2”

George Barclay: But... but what was all that about a meeting tomorrow? I thought it was a deacon's meeting!
Ellis Birch: Uh-huh. He's one of our deacons, ya know.
George Barclay: ...oh.

“Pokenberry Falls, R.F.D., Part 2”

Jimmy Barclay: Come out and play, Dad! You should see Harry fetch a stick: he never brings it back!
George Barclay: Clever.

“Pet Peeves”

George Barclay: Son, you didn't spend all your money on Zapazoids again, did you?

“Living in the Gray, Part 2”

Jimmy Barclay: Hey, Dad, let's toss the football around!
George Barclay: Eh, I'm not in the mood, Jimmy. You go ahead.
Jimmy Barclay: You want me to toss the football around by myself?

“George Under Pressure”

George Barclay: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute! There's that book that I bought a while back that I've been wanting to read.
Jimmy Barclay: The one you brought last vacation and never read?
George Barclay: Uh, right, son. That one.

“The Barclay Family Ski Vacation”

George Barclay: I think the pastor was on to something, the challenge I mean, to sacrifice something at home.
Jimmy Barclay: Uh oh, we're in trouble.
George Barclay: Look, the pastor talked about sacrificing something we consider important to us, you know, giving it up as a...tribute to God.
Jimmy Barclay: I'll give up spinach!
George Barclay: Ah...nice try, Jimmy, but I was thinking of something else, something near and dear to all of us.
Donna Barclay: Pizza?
George Barclay: Wrong!

“The Meaning of Sacrifice”

George Barclay: Who could it be? Who? Who?
Lawrence Hodges: Oh, come on guys!
Jimmy Barclay: I know! Lawrence!
Lawrence Hodges: Yes!
Jimmy Barclay: Can you think of anybody?
Lawrence Hodges: What?!

“Aloha, Oy!, Part 1”

Mary Barclay: Look at the size of the pig they're roasting!
George Barclay: I know, it's almost too big for the spit!
Doris Rathbone: They spit on that pig?

“Aloha, Oy!, Part 2”

George Barclay: Donna, it's three in the morning. Would you please do something about your dog?
Donna Barclay: What am I supposed to do with him?
George Barclay: Don't tempt me.

“Pet Peeves”

Mary Barclay: If we were the nation of Israel leaving Egypt, what would we take with us?
George Barclay: The nation of Israel? Sheeps, cows, loincloths — what does that have to do with anything?

“Treasures of the Heart”

George Barclay: Oh, it's not that cold.
Jimmy Barclay: Dad, when you opened the door, three penguins waddled out!

“The Barclay Family Ski Vacation”

Mary Barclay: He's kinda good looking! And look how Donna's watching him!
George Barclay: What are you getting at, Mary?
Mary Barclay: Ohhh, I wonder if maybe our daughter has a little-
George Barclay: Wa-wa-wait, Mary! If you're thinking what I thinking you're thinking, don't even think it!
Mary Barclay: Well, I mean, she wasn't enjoying this trip and now she is!
George Barclay: Let's not talk about it! I mean, she's only 12 and-
Mary Barclay: Oh, look at her smile! George, I think our daughter is developing a crush!

“The Barclay Family Ski Vacation”

George Barclay: Oh, we're only 52 minutes late. That's a record for us.

“Family Vacation, Part 1”

George Barclay: You're so pregnant you can barely reach the steering wheel.

“George Under Pressure”

George Barclay: Then, why did you call this meeting?
Richard (Head of the Pastoral Committee): Well, Mrs. Erskine called it. She suggested that we ask you if there is anything we can do to help.
George Barclay: Mrs. Erskine?
Mrs. Erskine: Yes. That’s right, George. And I just want to say that... I’m sorry. I did exactly what you’re talking about. I expected you and your daughter to be perfect, and that’s just not right. So, I’d like to apologize.
George Barclay: Well, thank you, Mrs. Erskine.

“Preacher's Kid”


Mary

Jimmy Barclay: It felt like a cow!
Mary Barclay: Um, it was too small to be a cow, Jimmy.
Jimmy Barclay: A little cow? Don't they make little cows?

“Family Vacation, Part 1”

Donna Barclay: Can I get you anything?
Mary Barclay: Uh...some ice water would be nice. George?
George Barclay: A new head. Mine just exploded.

“Thanksgiving at Home”

Jimmy Barclay: Hey, Mom, the baby spoke. He said the word — get this — "carrot".
Mary Barclay: Carrot!?
Jimmy Barclay: He did! I heard him. His first word was carrot. Where's the baby book?
Mary Barclay: He was just gibbering, Jimmy. Why would he say carrot?
Jimmy Barclay: Maybe he likes them?

“Preacher's Kid”

Jimmy Barclay: I got everything in that I need.
Mary Barclay: Open it up, Jimmy.
Jimmy Barclay: There. See?
Mary Barclay: Yes, I do. I see a pile of comic books, a baseball glove, your piggy bank, your play army boots, a yo-yo, a cassette player and tapes, three model sports cars, and -- what's this?
Jimmy Barclay: My Overlords of Space Laser Blaster.

“Family Vacation, Part 1”

Jimmy Barclay: We should have a big and bountiful feast to celebrate!
Donna Barclay: Yes, we should.
Jimmy Barclay: Good, now go fix it.
Mary Barclay: Some things haven't changed.

“Thanksgiving at Home”

George Barclay: Wait a minute, Mary, what are you doing with that whiffle ball set?
Mary Barclay: I’m putting it in the “to sell” stack.
George Barclay: You can’t do that; I want to keep it.
Mary Barclay: George, it’s a plastic ball and bat — that look like they’ve been through a meat grinder.
George Barclay: Well, they were chewed up by Sparky. I loved that dog; they’re the only reminder I have of him.

“Treasures of the Heart”

Mary Barclay: George, do I have to give you a time out and send you to your room?

“It's a Pokenberry Christmas, Part 1”

Bart Rathbone: He left us.
Mary Barclay: I'm never going to see my children again.
George Barclay: This is unbelievable.
Doris Rathbone: I'll say. He took the pork rinds!

“Aloha, Oy!, Part 3”

Mary Barclay: Well then, we'll just have to be very gentle when we tell her.
Donna Barclay: Tell who what?
Mary Barclay: Oh, hi honey!
Donna Barclay: Hi! What's going on?
Mary Barclay: Well, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you-
Jimmy Barclay: Yeah we aren't going anywhere on vacation this summer.
Donna Barclay: What?!?
Mary Barclay: That's your idea of gentle, Jimmy?
Jimmy Barclay: You can't beat around the bush about this stuff, Mom. It's best to get it over with quickly.

“Our Best Vacation Ever”

Mary Barclay: Did they like your new tie?
Jimmy Barclay: ...Did they like his tie, Mom?
Mary Barclay: Well, I picked it out.

“A Prayer for George Barclay”

Mary Barclay: Oh, would you change his diaper?
Jimmy Barclay: He doesn't want to be changed; he wants a carrot.
Mary Barclay: Trust me on this one, Jimmy.

“Preacher's Kid”

Mary Barclay: Now why are you kids home so early?
Donna Barclay: Oh, we got run off by the police again.
Jimmy Barclay: You know, they don't like us begging in front of City Hall!

“Our Daily Bread”

Mary Barclay: If we’re gonna have them back, they’ll need a place to sleep!
Jimmy Barclay: They can use my room! I love sleeping on the couch!

“The Visitors”

George Barclay: There are five tickets, and only four of us.
Lawrence Hodges: Uh, guys?
Mary Barclay: It would have to be somebody close to us...
Lawrence Hodges: Have I ever you guys how much you mean to me?
Donna Barclay: And someone who would appreciate the educational value of the trip...
Lawrence Hodges: My next school report is on Hawaii's flora and fauna. If only I had some samples...

“Aloha, Oy!, Part 1”

Mary Barclay: Donna, Jimmy... I'm pregnant.
Unknown: WHAT??

“A Prayer for George Barclay”

Mary Barclay: Look at the size of the pig they're roasting!
George Barclay: I know, it's almost too big for the spit!
Doris Rathbone: They spit on that pig?

“Aloha, Oy!, Part 2”

Mary Barclay: If we were the nation of Israel leaving Egypt, what would we take with us?
George Barclay: The nation of Israel? Sheeps, cows, loincloths — what does that have to do with anything?

“Treasures of the Heart”

Mary Barclay: Is everything alright?
Donna Barclay: Yeah, it's okay. Why?
Mary Barclay: You're watching 'Macho Headbanger: Private Eye' on TV.
Donna Barclay: Oh yeah... I am, aren't I?
Mary Barclay: You hate 'Macho Headbanger: Private Eye'.
Donna Barclay: Oh yeah, I do.

“Bad Company”

Mary Barclay: He's kinda good looking! And look how Donna's watching him!
George Barclay: What are you getting at, Mary?
Mary Barclay: Ohhh, I wonder if maybe our daughter has a little-
George Barclay: Wa-wa-wait, Mary! If you're thinking what I thinking you're thinking, don't even think it!
Mary Barclay: Well, I mean, she wasn't enjoying this trip and now she is!
George Barclay: Let's not talk about it! I mean, she's only 12 and-
Mary Barclay: Oh, look at her smile! George, I think our daughter is developing a crush!

“The Barclay Family Ski Vacation”

Mary Barclay: You want to kidnap your father?

“George Under Pressure”


Donna

Donna Barclay: OK, OK. I’m giving him my alarm clock.
George Barclay: Terrific. That way he can see how late he’s keeping us up.

“Pet Peeves”

Richard Maxwell: Well, do I get a kiss good night?
Donna Barclay: Get lost, Richard!

“An Encounter with Mrs. Hooper”

Donna Barclay: How much longer till we get there?
George Barclay: Bout an hour kids.
Jimmy Barclay: Dad, you said that an hour ago.
George Barclay: Yes, and it's just as true now as it was when I first said it.

“The Barclay Family Ski Vacation”

Jessie Morales: I think I'll go home and watch Young Hearts Turning.
Donna Barclay: Thanks a lot, Benedict Jezebel!

“The Meaning of Sacrifice”

Donna Barclay: No way! I am not playing a bratty, self-centered character.
Jimmy Barclay: Why not? You were born for it.

“Unto Us a Child Is Born”

Rodney Rathbone: He was great? What about me? I'm the one who braved the waves!
Donna Barclay: Braved the waves? You rode the board on your hands and knees!
Rodney Rathbone: You expected me to stand all the way up?

“Aloha, Oy!, Part 2”

Jimmy Barclay: Where'd you learn to pray like that?
Donna Barclay: What do you mean?
Jimmy Barclay: You sounded like an adult. What'd you do, read it somewhere?
Donna Barclay: Cut it out. It's rude to critique people's prayers. I wasn't talking to you anyway.

“A Prayer for George Barclay”

Bill Mason: He must have caught an updraft.
Donna Barclay: It's carrying him off.
Bill Mason: Yeah! Toward Pearl Harbor!
Rodney Rathbone: I want my Mommy!

“Aloha, Oy!, Part 3”

Donna Barclay: The budget?! It's always the budget! We haven't been able to do anything since we got that stupid budget!
Jimmy Barclay: Told you she'd go nuts.

“Our Best Vacation Ever”

George Barclay: It all started in Donna's room when I couldn't get her attention because she had her stereo on.
Donna Barclay: Right, so you walked in.
George Barclay: Who's telling this story?
Donna Barclay: We both are!

“Modesty is the Best Policy”

Donna Barclay: That’s why I need a new one. A genuine Rostan Harringbone with real synthetic fur lining. They’re on sale at Greenway’s Department Store: 20% off.
Jimmy Barclay: I think you’re 20% off.

“A Good and Faithful Servant”

Donna Barclay: How do you pray, Connie?
Connie Kendall: On my knees. I used to try it flat on my back, but I kept falling asleep.

“And When You Pray...”

Donna Barclay: You ever think about her, Ferg? No. I guess cats don't do things like that. As long as someone's feeding you you're happy. Maybe cats have the right idea. Don't get to close to someone cause they might go away, and then no one will be there to feed you.

“The Very Best of Friends”

Donna Barclay: I should've known better than to talk seriously to someone who plays basketball with his shorts.

“The Vow”

Donna Barclay: Can I get you anything?
Mary Barclay: Uh...some ice water would be nice. George?
George Barclay: A new head. Mine just exploded.

“Thanksgiving at Home”

Carter Braxton: Thank you. What's your name?
Donna Barclay: I'm Donna, Donna Barclay.
Rachael Woodworth: Don't tell him your name!
Donna Barclay: Come on, Rachael. You should do what he says.

“Bad Company”

Donna Barclay: Dad, you're lost aren't you?
George Barclay: Lost me? George Rand McNally Barclay lost? Honey, hand me the map.

“The Barclay Family Ski Vacation”

Jimmy Barclay: We should have a big and bountiful feast to celebrate!
Donna Barclay: Yes, we should.
Jimmy Barclay: Good, now go fix it.
Mary Barclay: Some things haven't changed.

“Thanksgiving at Home”

Jessie Morales: Uh oh, what's this? The two of you are gonna gang up on me now? Maybe ridicule me for not putting my clothes in chronological order?
Donna Barclay: No...
Connie Kendall: ..."chronological"?

“Peacemaker”

Donna Barclay: Karen is the only one I'd go to a hospital for.

“Karen”

Mary Barclay: Well then, we'll just have to be very gentle when we tell her.
Donna Barclay: Tell who what?
Mary Barclay: Oh, hi honey!
Donna Barclay: Hi! What's going on?
Mary Barclay: Well, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you-
Jimmy Barclay: Yeah we aren't going anywhere on vacation this summer.
Donna Barclay: What?!?
Mary Barclay: That's your idea of gentle, Jimmy?
Jimmy Barclay: You can't beat around the bush about this stuff, Mom. It's best to get it over with quickly.

“Our Best Vacation Ever”

George Barclay: This may come as a terrible shock to you all, but this family is not independently wealthy. I mean, these things all take money, and although I never thought I’d hear myself say this, money doesn’t grow on trees.
Donna Barclay: We know that. That’s why they make credit cards.
George Barclay: Very funny, Donna.

“A Good and Faithful Servant”

Jimmy Barclay: See, Donna? All you need is a mustard jar.
Donna Barclay: Mustard seed, Jimmy. Mustard seed.

“And When You Pray...”

Donna Barclay: I don't know why everyone says you're useless.
Jimmy Barclay: Ah, well, I... Wait a minute. Who's says I'm useless? Donna! Who says I'm useless? I'm not useless! I'm just a pest! Donna!

“The Vow”

Donna Barclay: Good thing those people from this morning aren't still here. After Jimmy ruined the silverware in the dishwasher, we only have four complete settings left.
Jimmy Barclay: Why do you care about silverware - you eat with your fingers!

“The Visitors”

Connie Kendall: Oh, I forgot to tell you—I talked to the camp director, and he thinks you're right. The girls should be given a chance to compete with the boys at some things.
Robyn Jacobs: Really?
Connie Kendall: Yep, so tomorrow afternoon we're gonna compete with them in archery, canoes, and a relay race.
Donna Barclay: That's great.

“Connie Goes to Camp, Part 1”

Jack Allen: Hello, Jimmy. That's a lovely dress you have on, Donna.
Donna Barclay: Thank you.

“George Under Pressure”

Traci Needlemeyer: Whooa! Puppy love alert! Puppy love alert!...You're acting all silly and dazed...loony, wacky, giggly and goofy. And what were those other dwarves' names?
Donna Barclay: He's sooo nice. He helped me up that time I fell down. Then he helped me up again, the other time I fell down.
Traci Needlemeyer: In some countries you'd be married.

“The Barclay Family Ski Vacation”

Jimmy Barclay: I'm a big man, and a proud man, and a bulky man. I can open those cans with my teeth.
Donna Barclay: The can-opener will be fine.

“Thanksgiving at Home”

Jimmy Barclay: You were talking about that dumb soap opera, "Young Stomachs Turning".
Donna Barclay: "Young Hearts Turning. And we weren't!
Jimmy Barclay: They think Kyle is going to ask Jamie to marry him, because he broke up with Monica!
Donna Barclay: It was Heather.

“The Meaning of Sacrifice”

Donna Barclay: All right, we’ll both tell him.
Jimmy Barclay: Ok. When?
Donna Barclay: At the right moment!
Jimmy Barclay: “At the right moment”? When’s that?
Donna Barclay: A month after I move away to college!

“Treasures of the Heart”

Mary Barclay: Now why are you kids home so early?
Donna Barclay: Oh, we got run off by the police again.
Jimmy Barclay: You know, they don't like us begging in front of City Hall!

“Our Daily Bread”

Donna Barclay: and Connie, I'm sorry about saying what I said about you.
Connie Kendall: That's okay... What'd you say about me?
Donna Barclay: You don't wanna know.
Connie Kendall: I don't? Why don't I, was it that bad?
Donna Barclay: CONNIE...

“Peacemaker”

George Barclay: Now let that be a lesson to you kids: always leave your campsite cleaner then when you found it!
Donna Barclay: This is so weird!
George Barclay: What? What's the matter?
Donna Barclay: We're in our living room, Dad!

“Our Best Vacation Ever”

Robyn Jacobs: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Donna Barclay: Robyn, what's wrong?
Robyn Jacobs: Get it out of my sleeping bag!
Donna Barclay: What? I don't see anything!
Robyn Jacobs: A bug! It's crawling up my sleeping bag to attack me! There it is! Quick, stomp it, squish it, smash it!!
Donna Barclay: You mean this? This is the barrette for your hair.
Robyn Jacobs: Oh, that's where it went.

“Connie Goes to Camp, Part 1”

Jimmy Barclay: Awesome!
Oscar Peterson: I dunno.
Donna Barclay: I bet. I'm not in the mood, Oscar.

“Two Sides to Every Story”

Jimmy Barclay: Maybe I'll run off with the circus and become a lion tamer.
Donna Barclay: You'd probably have to get good grades in zoology.
Jimmy Barclay: Then I'll become a pilot.
Donna Barclay: Engineering, physics, aeronautics...
Jimmy Barclay: A bus driver.
Donna Barclay: Mechanics, math, civil law!
Jimmy Barclay: Well, then I'll become a politician!
Donna Barclay: (pauses) Hmm. Well you've got me there.

“Making the Grade”

Donna Barclay: We're going to get our haircuts!
Jimmy Barclay: Or, hairs cut, if you want to be precise.
George Barclay: Is it just me, or are you three acting funny?

“George Under Pressure”

Rachael Woodworth: What happened to you? I told you to run.
Donna Barclay: Why? I didn't do anything wrong.
Rachael Woodworth: Uh-oh! You got that sound in your voice like my mom when she's about to lecture me.

“Bad Company”

Donna Barclay: Let's go skiing next summer!
George Barclay: It doesn't work that way, Honey.

“The Barclay Family Ski Vacation”

George Barclay: There are five tickets, and only four of us.
Lawrence Hodges: Uh, guys?
Mary Barclay: It would have to be somebody close to us...
Lawrence Hodges: Have I ever you guys how much you mean to me?
Donna Barclay: And someone who would appreciate the educational value of the trip...
Lawrence Hodges: My next school report is on Hawaii's flora and fauna. If only I had some samples...

“Aloha, Oy!, Part 1”

Jimmy Barclay: Come on, Donna. Mom said to turn off the TV because we have to pack.
Donna Barclay: Be quiet, runt. I don't wanna pack for that stupid vacation. I don't wanna go, and I don't think Mom and Dad should make me. You guys go. I'm twelve years old, and I'm big enough to take care of myself.

“Family Vacation, Part 1”

Karen Crosby: You know what they say about hospital food.
Donna Barclay: Yeah?
Karen Crosby: It's true. Mrs. Murray and I were playing marbles with our peas.
John Whittaker: Mrs. who?
Mrs. Murray: If you pull back that curtain, you'll find out!

“Karen”

Jimmy Barclay: Dad's going on a trip, and he wants to take me with him.
Donna Barclay: Oh, no!
Jessie Morales: <in flashback> He came home, picked up her little brother, and split.
Donna Barclay: Just like Wendy.
Jimmy Barclay: Donna?
Donna Barclay: Huh?
Jimmy Barclay: You okay? You look the way people look on TV when they're remembering what someone said in an earlier scene.

“The Vow”

Donna Barclay: I thought he'd give up.
Jimmy Barclay: Dad? Give up when he's determined to find something? Where have you been for the last fifteen years?!!

“Treasures of the Heart”

Jimmy Barclay: What a terrible, rotten Christmas!
Donna Barclay: You forgot horrible. It's a terrible, horrible, rotten Christmas!
Jimmy Barclay: Yeah, that too.

“Peace on Earth”

George Barclay: I think the pastor was on to something, the challenge I mean, to sacrifice something at home.
Jimmy Barclay: Uh oh, we're in trouble.
George Barclay: Look, the pastor talked about sacrificing something we consider important to us, you know, giving it up as a...tribute to God.
Jimmy Barclay: I'll give up spinach!
George Barclay: Ah...nice try, Jimmy, but I was thinking of something else, something near and dear to all of us.
Donna Barclay: Pizza?
George Barclay: Wrong!

“The Meaning of Sacrifice”

George Barclay: Donna, it's three in the morning. Would you please do something about your dog?
Donna Barclay: What am I supposed to do with him?
George Barclay: Don't tempt me.

“Pet Peeves”

Mrs. Erskine: Jimmy, hurry. You're missing it. We're trying to find all 50 states in Mr. Baker's liver spots.
Jimmy Barclay: Gotta go.
Donna Barclay: Oh, brother.
Mrs. Erskine: Oh, look! I believe it's Florida!

“Preacher's Kid”

Donna Barclay: I want to know why you were so anxious to go to bed.
Jimmy Barclay: I wasn't anxious, you were anxious.
Donna Barclay: I was not! What makes you think I have anything to be anxious about?
Jimmy Barclay: Your anxiousness makes me think you have something to be anxious about.
Donna Barclay: I don't believe it. You acted awfully anxious for someone who says you didn't have anything to be anxious about.
Jimmy Barclay: That's because you made me feel anxious by being anxious.

“The Meaning of Sacrifice”

Donna Barclay: You know this is the second time this week I've been blindfolded? Must be a blindfold sale going on somewhere.

“The Very Best of Friends”

Mary Barclay: Is everything alright?
Donna Barclay: Yeah, it's okay. Why?
Mary Barclay: You're watching 'Macho Headbanger: Private Eye' on TV.
Donna Barclay: Oh yeah... I am, aren't I?
Mary Barclay: You hate 'Macho Headbanger: Private Eye'.
Donna Barclay: Oh yeah, I do.

“Bad Company”

John Whittaker: You're angry, Donna...and you're angry at yourself for feeling this way. I know...the feelings are terrible. Horrible. But what you need to understand, Donna, is that they're just feelings. Reactions. You can't help having them any more than you can help breathing. And it's all right to have them -- as long as you don't let them control you.
Donna Barclay: That's so easy to say.
John Whittaker: I know, I know. And difficult to do. But there is a way, Donna...by taking your feelings to God. Letting him have them. Totally and completely. He wants them, Donna. He can turn them into something wonderful if you let Him.

“The Very Best of Friends”

Donna Barclay: Fifteen minutes to digest?! What did they eat — wood chips?

“Preacher's Kid”

Jimmy Barclay: I'm a man of principle!
Donna Barclay: You mean you're a man who GOES to the principal!

“The Meaning of Sacrifice”


Donna: He is a big pimple on the face of my life.

“Wishful Thinking”


Jimmy

Jimmy Barclay: Here you go, Normal. Anyway, Stewart, as I was saying, the key thing to remember is that the one way to keep 'em happy is to just feed them. Now they eat a lot more than you think. And they like to think that they're your master. You know, that they're the boss. Just let them think that — it doesn't hurt anything. One tough thing is getting used to the way they smell, but that just takes time. Well, anyways, that's my advice on girls.

“Preacher's Kid”

Jimmy Barclay: So we went back to Chester's house. Of course, as soon as anything was said about food, Donna didn't think he was an ax murderer anymore.

“Family Vacation, Part 2”

Jimmy Barclay: It felt like a cow!
Mary Barclay: Um, it was too small to be a cow, Jimmy.
Jimmy Barclay: A little cow? Don't they make little cows?

“Family Vacation, Part 1”

Jimmy Barclay: And you don't stand a chance if I stay. Besides I want to see what comes next.

“Someone to Watch Over Me”

Hotshutpa: More wood for the fire, Jew!
Jimmy Barclay: Yes, sir. I'll never complain about mowing the lawn again.

“Moses: The Passover, Part 1”

Jimmy Barclay: It's Lewis! Or maybe it's Clark...I can't figure out which is which...

“The Triangled Web, Part 2”

Donna Barclay: How much longer till we get there?
George Barclay: Bout an hour kids.
Jimmy Barclay: Dad, you said that an hour ago.
George Barclay: Yes, and it's just as true now as it was when I first said it.

“The Barclay Family Ski Vacation”

Jimmy Barclay: I'd tell you the rest, Dad, but... this is a family show. When I could walk again...

“Two Sides to Every Story”

Lawrence Hodges: They blow up!
John Whittaker: Blow up?!
Jimmy Barclay: Inflate.

“Treasures of the Heart”

John Whittaker: It's something new. I'm calling it the Room of Consequence. You see, instead of sending you back, this'll let you play out the future.
Jimmy Barclay: The future?
John Whittaker: I've rigged this room to play out the options and consequences for certain decisions. You'll get the whole picture as if you're doing it for the first time - not only you, but everyone it involves, because your decision will often affect how other people act. You'll get to see it all.

“Into Temptation”

Donna Barclay: No way! I am not playing a bratty, self-centered character.
Jimmy Barclay: Why not? You were born for it.

“Unto Us a Child Is Born”

Jimmy Barclay: <reading a note he got from Jesse> Nothing compares to a boy named Jimmy. He makes my head spin and my heart feel swimmy, when I see him my face brightens up and turns grinny, 'cause of how I feel about a boy named Jimmy.

“The Trouble with Girls”

Jimmy Barclay: All the knowledge in the world doesn't mean a thing unless you apply it.

“The Fundamentals”

Jimmy Barclay: John Wilkes Booth. That's why his name is so familiar. He's the man who shot Lincoln!
Unknown: What'd you say boy?
Jimmy Barclay: They're gonna kill Lincoln! I've gotta warn the president!

“Lincoln, Part 2”

Jimmy Barclay: Where'd you learn to pray like that?
Donna Barclay: What do you mean?
Jimmy Barclay: You sounded like an adult. What'd you do, read it somewhere?
Donna Barclay: Cut it out. It's rude to critique people's prayers. I wasn't talking to you anyway.

“A Prayer for George Barclay”

Jimmy Barclay: You're our tour guide?
Don Iowa: That's right. Don Iowa, guest liaison.
Doris Rathbone: Ooh, I just love Hawaiian names - how do you spell that?
Don Iowa: D-O-N.
Doris Rathbone: No, your last name.

“Aloha, Oy!, Part 1”

John Whittaker: You? You don't want—maybe you didn't hear me: This is a new adventure in the Imagination Station!
Jimmy Barclay: Yeah, I—I heard you, but I'll pass. Uh, see ya.

“Wonderworld”

Donna Barclay: The budget?! It's always the budget! We haven't been able to do anything since we got that stupid budget!
Jimmy Barclay: Told you she'd go nuts.

“Our Best Vacation Ever”

George Barclay: What's the matter with you?
Jimmy Barclay: Nothing, I wanna go home, that's all. I always have to wait forever for you and mom every Sunday morning after the service!
George Barclay: Always, Jimmy? Forever, Jimmy? I mean, do we need an attitude check, Jimmy?

“A Mission for Jimmy”

Donna Barclay: That’s why I need a new one. A genuine Rostan Harringbone with real synthetic fur lining. They’re on sale at Greenway’s Department Store: 20% off.
Jimmy Barclay: I think you’re 20% off.

“A Good and Faithful Servant”

Steve Isaacs: These are math and science questions, the answer being critical to saving a person's life.
Jimmy Barclay: (discouraged) Right...

“Making the Grade”

George Barclay: I'm sure your [dune] buggy's all right. I mean, it seemed to be built pretty solid.
Jimmy Barclay: Yeah, it said on the box the company uses only the best plastic.

“The Visitors”

Lawrence Hodges: No, Jimmy. I'm sorry, but I completely disagree with you. The regular fries are just not as tasty as the crinkle cut.
Jimmy Barclay: You're crazy! They're the exact same thing, just- just in different shapes!
Lawrence Hodges: You just look at the package of crinkle cut fries. Check out the ingredients. You know what's in the list that's not in the list of regular fries?
Jimmy Barclay: What?
Lawrence Hodges: Sodium acid pyrophosphate! And that makes all the difference!

“And the Glory”

Jimmy Barclay: Hey, Mom, the baby spoke. He said the word — get this — "carrot".
Mary Barclay: Carrot!?
Jimmy Barclay: He did! I heard him. His first word was carrot. Where's the baby book?
Mary Barclay: He was just gibbering, Jimmy. Why would he say carrot?
Jimmy Barclay: Maybe he likes them?

“Preacher's Kid”

John Whittaker: Well Jimmy, you know you're gonna have to go home.
Jimmy Barclay: But my dad will kill me!
John Whittaker: You don't know that.
Jimmy Barclay: You don't know my dad!

“The Prodigal, Jimmy”

Jimmy Barclay: We should have a big and bountiful feast to celebrate!
Donna Barclay: Yes, we should.
Jimmy Barclay: Good, now go fix it.
Mary Barclay: Some things haven't changed.

“Thanksgiving at Home”

Jimmy Barclay: You want to hear bathwater? Ha, I'll let you hear bathwater.

“Two Sides to Every Story”

George Barclay: We can sacrifice the TV!
Jimmy Barclay: What are we gonna do, burn it on a bunch of rocks?

“The Meaning of Sacrifice”

Jimmy Barclay: I've been kinda busy since our vacation to Florida...uh...three years ago.

“Coming of Age”

George Barclay: <dreaming> The pickin's mighty slim out in the park, but I did manage to bag this squirrel!
Jimmy Barclay: Eh... That looks more like a rat, Dad.
George Barclay: Squirrel? Rat? It's meat, ain't it? Fire up the stew-pot, Mary! We're gonna eat tonight..... <waking up> No... we can't... No!

“Our Daily Bread”

Jason Whittaker: ...and Mary slept. While in the hills above them, shepherds were greeted by a host of heavenly angels. *trumpets start blaring*
Jimmy Barclay: No, no wrong tape!

“Unto Us a Child Is Born”

Melvin (Lightning) Livingston: And who are you?
Jimmy Barclay: Uh, uh, me?
Melvin (Lightning) Livingston: Yeah, you.
Jimmy Barclay: Uh, uh, my name is, uh, uh.
Bruce Wilkins: <in a whisper to Jimmy> It's Jimmy. Jimmy Barclay.
Jimmy Barclay: Yeah! Bimmy Jarclay!

“Heroes”

John Whittaker: Just sit down, and after I close the door, push that white button.
Jimmy Barclay: The one that's flashing?
John Whittaker: That's the one.

“Lincoln, Part 1”

John Whittaker: You can't change history, Jimmy.
Jimmy Barclay: Then why'd you send me through this?
John Whittaker: So you could do what you're doing now. React to it. Learn from it. And hopefully use that knowledge to try and change the only thing that can be changed. The future.

“Lincoln, Part 2”

Jimmy Barclay: I got everything in that I need.
Mary Barclay: Open it up, Jimmy.
Jimmy Barclay: There. See?
Mary Barclay: Yes, I do. I see a pile of comic books, a baseball glove, your piggy bank, your play army boots, a yo-yo, a cassette player and tapes, three model sports cars, and -- what's this?
Jimmy Barclay: My Overlords of Space Laser Blaster.

“Family Vacation, Part 1”

John Whittaker: Every time you're tempted to do something bad, I'll be the one who tries to talk you out of it.
Jimmy Barclay: Oh, yeah, like in the cartoons. Only, there's supposed to be a good guy on one shoulder, and a bad guy on the other.
John Whittaker: You don't need a bad guy. You do all right by yourself.

“Into Temptation”

Felicia: Where is that waitress!? ...I'd sure like some bread sticks, how about you guys?
Jimmy Barclay: Uh, you're the waitress, Felicia.
Felicia: Oh... Oh! That's right! I'm the waitress! Silly me! ...Jim, could you get some waters for Table Number Three?

“Living in the Gray, Part 1”

Jimmy Barclay: Shocking, shocking, absolutely shocking. It's amazing that... Uh... oh! We have a guest! Mr. John Avery... Hey!

“A Tongue of Fire”

Jimmy Barclay: Great! Now what do you want me to do, Lawrence?
Lawrence Hodges: I think you should wear a bow tie.
Jimmy Barclay: I'll look like my dad. He's a pastor.

“A Call for Reverend Jimmy”

Mary Barclay: Well then, we'll just have to be very gentle when we tell her.
Donna Barclay: Tell who what?
Mary Barclay: Oh, hi honey!
Donna Barclay: Hi! What's going on?
Mary Barclay: Well, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you-
Jimmy Barclay: Yeah we aren't going anywhere on vacation this summer.
Donna Barclay: What?!?
Mary Barclay: That's your idea of gentle, Jimmy?
Jimmy Barclay: You can't beat around the bush about this stuff, Mom. It's best to get it over with quickly.

“Our Best Vacation Ever”

Jimmy Barclay: See, Donna? All you need is a mustard jar.
Donna Barclay: Mustard seed, Jimmy. Mustard seed.

“And When You Pray...”

Donna Barclay: I don't know why everyone says you're useless.
Jimmy Barclay: Ah, well, I... Wait a minute. Who's says I'm useless? Donna! Who says I'm useless? I'm not useless! I'm just a pest! Donna!

“The Vow”

Donna Barclay: Good thing those people from this morning aren't still here. After Jimmy ruined the silverware in the dishwasher, we only have four complete settings left.
Jimmy Barclay: Why do you care about silverware - you eat with your fingers!

“The Visitors”

John Whittaker: <As game show host> We're talking about none other than - Lucy Schultz! <Audience applause>
Jimmy Barclay: <To Lucy> Your last name is Schultz?

“The Big Broadcast”

Mary Barclay: Did they like your new tie?
Jimmy Barclay: ...Did they like his tie, Mom?
Mary Barclay: Well, I picked it out.

“A Prayer for George Barclay”

Jimmy Barclay: He told me he was proud of me!
Connie Kendall: What?
Jimmy Barclay: He told me how proud he was that I was in college and had a good job and a bright future! Now how am I supposed to disappoint him? It's not like I've gotten tons of "I'm proud of you"s lately! Y'know, Donna gets 'em all the time! She's the perfect daughter, while I'm his unemployed homeless loser son!

“Living in the Gray, Part 2”

Jimmy Barclay: KYDS Radio will be right back after this moment of silence for the American troops in...
Lawrence Hodges: Canada!
Jimmy Barclay: Canada!

“And the Glory”

George Barclay: OK, everyone is present and accounted for, so a quorum is definitely present!
Jimmy Barclay: Excuse me, but will the chair please speak in English? Boy, you send a guy to seminary...

“Pet Peeves”

Mary Barclay: Oh, would you change his diaper?
Jimmy Barclay: He doesn't want to be changed; he wants a carrot.
Mary Barclay: Trust me on this one, Jimmy.

“Preacher's Kid”

Curt Stevens: Mr. Walton?
Jimmy Barclay: Connie?
Jack Davis: Mr. Whittaker?
Meriwether Lewis: Where did you people come from? This boat can't handle this much weight!

“The Triangled Web, Part 2”

Jimmy Barclay: I'm a big man, and a proud man, and a bulky man. I can open those cans with my teeth.
Donna Barclay: The can-opener will be fine.

“Thanksgiving at Home”

Jimmy Barclay: You were talking about that dumb soap opera, "Young Stomachs Turning".
Donna Barclay: "Young Hearts Turning. And we weren't!
Jimmy Barclay: They think Kyle is going to ask Jamie to marry him, because he broke up with Monica!
Donna Barclay: It was Heather.

“The Meaning of Sacrifice”

Jimmy Barclay: I'm in love with Connie Kendall!!

“Coming of Age”

Donna Barclay: All right, we’ll both tell him.
Jimmy Barclay: Ok. When?
Donna Barclay: At the right moment!
Jimmy Barclay: “At the right moment”? When’s that?
Donna Barclay: A month after I move away to college!

“Treasures of the Heart”

Jimmy Barclay: I can't believe you volunteered us to go to The Electric Palace just as Rick Ranson was about to start, Lawrence.
Lawrence Hodges: Sorry, Jimmy; I didn't know what I was thinking.
Jimmy Barclay: I may have to kick you out of the fan club for this!
Lawrence Hodges: You'd look pretty silly attending the meetings all by yourself.
Jimmy Barclay: That's true.

“Aloha, Oy!, Part 1”

Jimmy Barclay: Life would be a lot easier without girls.

“The Trouble with Girls”

Jimmy Barclay: How do you know all this stuff?
Ted: We learned about it in Sunday School. How do you know about the overlords of Ganthum, and the rebel pirates from Alpher 67?
Jimmy Barclay: Not from Sunday School, that's for sure.

“Family Vacation, Part 2”

Jimmy Barclay: This is worse than free ice cream day at Whit's End.

“Lincoln, Part 1”

John Whittaker: Oh and Jimmy?
Jimmy Barclay: Yes sir?
John Whittaker: You still think Zapazoids is better than the Imagination Station?
Jimmy Barclay: No, I think the Imagination Station is better. But just barely.

“Lincoln, Part 2”

Jimmy Barclay: It took three more tries before Mom would let me leave. And I had to take out most of the good stuff, too, like half of the comic books and the army boots. Just for some clean underwear, socks and shirts that make my neck itch. Grown-ups just don't understand what's really important. I thought this was supposed to be a fun vacation.

“Family Vacation, Part 1”

Mary Barclay: Now why are you kids home so early?
Donna Barclay: Oh, we got run off by the police again.
Jimmy Barclay: You know, they don't like us begging in front of City Hall!

“Our Daily Bread”

George Barclay: Nice headline. But what's this?
Jimmy Barclay: It's the missionary, of course!
George Barclay: It is? With a plate on his head?
Jimmy Barclay: That's a safari hat. I kinda made it to look like a halo, you know, being like a saint and stuff?
George Barclay: Ah. But, uh, what happened to the rest of him? Is that supposed to be his body there?
Jimmy Barclay: No. You can't see his body, because he's in a pot.
George Barclay: A pot.
Jimmy Barclay: Yeah! And there's the fire at the bottom. Neat idea, huh?

“A Mission for Jimmy”

Jimmy Barclay: Wow! What is that?
John Whittaker: Nothing right now. Maybe you should ask what it's going to be.
Jimmy Barclay: All right. What's it going to be?
John Whittaker: A vending machine.
Jimmy Barclay: A vending machine? You mean for Cokes and candy bars and stuff like that?
John Whittaker: Nope. For prayers.

“And When You Pray...”

Jimmy Barclay: There's strange - like when you let rubber cement hang out of your nose in shop class, and then there's STRAAAANNGE - like when you put your clothes on backwards and sing Lydia, the Tattooed Lady outside a wedding.

“The Vow”

Mary Barclay: If we’re gonna have them back, they’ll need a place to sleep!
Jimmy Barclay: They can use my room! I love sleeping on the couch!

“The Visitors”

Jimmy Barclay: Awesome!
Oscar Peterson: I dunno.
Donna Barclay: I bet. I'm not in the mood, Oscar.

“Two Sides to Every Story”

Jimmy Barclay: Weird denial? Oh, come on, look who's talking about weird denial!
Connie Kendall: What?
Jimmy Barclay: What are you doing here, Connie? Why are you still here and not back in Odyssey?
Connie Kendall: I wanted to see the sights.
Jimmy Barclay: Yeah, sure. You just want to avoid the questions about Mitch. You said so yourself, right?
Connie Kendall: Yeah, something like that.
Jimmy Barclay: Yeah. You don't want to face up to the mess. You don't want anyone to know that it all went wrong. You're not ready. So how come you can't understand how I feel?
Connie Kendall: ...I understand.

“Living in the Gray, Part 2”

Jimmy Barclay: Maybe I'll run off with the circus and become a lion tamer.
Donna Barclay: You'd probably have to get good grades in zoology.
Jimmy Barclay: Then I'll become a pilot.
Donna Barclay: Engineering, physics, aeronautics...
Jimmy Barclay: A bus driver.
Donna Barclay: Mechanics, math, civil law!
Jimmy Barclay: Well, then I'll become a politician!
Donna Barclay: (pauses) Hmm. Well you've got me there.

“Making the Grade”

Donna Barclay: We're going to get our haircuts!
Jimmy Barclay: Or, hairs cut, if you want to be precise.
George Barclay: Is it just me, or are you three acting funny?

“George Under Pressure”

Jimmy Barclay: ... Donna! Mr. Whittaker!
Jessie Morales: You forgot me, Jimmy.
Jimmy Barclay: Jessie!

“The Meaning of Sacrifice”

Eugene Meltsner: Have you tried: Telling her to get lost and then throw mud on her?
Curt Stevens: That's what I told him!
Jimmy Barclay: I don't think that's right, though.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, of course it isn't. But, believe it or not, that's how the girls used to get rid of me.

“The Trouble with Girls”

George Barclay: We gave up a nice situation in Odyssey to come to this...crummy, drafty old town.
Jimmy Barclay: You forgot measly, dad.
George Barclay: Crummy, drafty, measly old town.

“It's a Pokenberry Christmas, Part 1”

Curt Stevens: I'm glad you asked, Connie. Has this ever happened to you? You're walking down the street and you drop your keys. Isn't it a pain to bend down and get them?
Connie Kendall: Well, not real—
Curt Stevens: Exactly. Now with the new Vacu-Grab, you don't have to.
Connie Kendall: The Vacu-Grab?
Curt Stevens: It's portable, retractable, and can fit right into your purse. Just take it out, retract it, turn it on, grab the keys, un-retract it, open the special containment unit built right in, and voila! You've got your keys.
Jimmy Barclay: So, instead of going through all of that...why not just bend down and pick up your keys?
Curt Stevens: ...It retracts, Jimmy.

“The Triangled Web, Part 1”

Jimmy Barclay: Come on, Donna. Mom said to turn off the TV because we have to pack.
Donna Barclay: Be quiet, runt. I don't wanna pack for that stupid vacation. I don't wanna go, and I don't think Mom and Dad should make me. You guys go. I'm twelve years old, and I'm big enough to take care of myself.

“Family Vacation, Part 1”

Jimmy Barclay: Grimbeard, I was wondering when he was gonna show up.
Nagle: I should think you'd hope he doesn't show up sir.

“Someone to Watch Over Me”

Lawrence Hodges: AAAAAH! I WANT MY MOM!!
Jimmy Barclay: I WANT YOUR MOM TOO!!

“Terror from the Skies”

Jimmy Barclay: What's gonna happen at Christmas? An outbreak of leprosy?

“Thanksgiving at Home”

George Barclay: A fire and a pot and...what are all these figures in the background here?
Jimmy Barclay: The cannibals doing their native dance.
George Barclay: Cannibals?!
Jimmy Barclay: Right. See, he's a missionary to them, and they decided they were gonna—
George Barclay: Hold, hold, hold it! Don't—don't finish, I don't wanna know.

“A Mission for Jimmy”

John Whittaker: I've got a button for just about everything. Money when you don't need it, good grades on a test you didn't study for, the latest fashions, the newest toys, popularity. <chuckles> What should I add?
Jimmy Barclay: Boy, I can think of a whole bunch of things!

“And When You Pray...”

Jimmy Barclay: ...A lot of my lines seem like, well, something like a girl would say.
Reginald Duffield: With good reason Jimmy; Juliet is a girl.

“The Very Best of Friends”

Jimmy Barclay: Dad's going on a trip, and he wants to take me with him.
Donna Barclay: Oh, no!
Jessie Morales: <in flashback> He came home, picked up her little brother, and split.
Donna Barclay: Just like Wendy.
Jimmy Barclay: Donna?
Donna Barclay: Huh?
Jimmy Barclay: You okay? You look the way people look on TV when they're remembering what someone said in an earlier scene.

“The Vow”

Jimmy Barclay: Come out and play, Dad! You should see Harry fetch a stick: he never brings it back!
George Barclay: Clever.

“Pet Peeves”

Donna Barclay: I thought he'd give up.
Jimmy Barclay: Dad? Give up when he's determined to find something? Where have you been for the last fifteen years?!!

“Treasures of the Heart”

Jimmy Barclay: Hey, Dad, let's toss the football around!
George Barclay: Eh, I'm not in the mood, Jimmy. You go ahead.
Jimmy Barclay: You want me to toss the football around by myself?

“George Under Pressure”

George Barclay: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute! There's that book that I bought a while back that I've been wanting to read.
Jimmy Barclay: The one you brought last vacation and never read?
George Barclay: Uh, right, son. That one.

“The Barclay Family Ski Vacation”

George Barclay: I think the pastor was on to something, the challenge I mean, to sacrifice something at home.
Jimmy Barclay: Uh oh, we're in trouble.
George Barclay: Look, the pastor talked about sacrificing something we consider important to us, you know, giving it up as a...tribute to God.
Jimmy Barclay: I'll give up spinach!
George Barclay: Ah...nice try, Jimmy, but I was thinking of something else, something near and dear to all of us.
Donna Barclay: Pizza?
George Barclay: Wrong!

“The Meaning of Sacrifice”

Jimmy Barclay: You think being beaten by Egyptians or being chased by rebel soldiers is conducive to romantic discussion?

“The Triangled Web, Part 1”

Jimmy Barclay: Can I open it now?
John Whittaker: No. You can only open it when you're absolutely, without question, no doubt about it, as bored as you've ever been in your life.

“Family Vacation, Part 1”

Jimmy Barclay: What a terrible, rotten Christmas!
Donna Barclay: You forgot horrible. It's a terrible, horrible, rotten Christmas!
Jimmy Barclay: Yeah, that too.

“Peace on Earth”

George Barclay: Who could it be? Who? Who?
Lawrence Hodges: Oh, come on guys!
Jimmy Barclay: I know! Lawrence!
Lawrence Hodges: Yes!
Jimmy Barclay: Can you think of anybody?
Lawrence Hodges: What?!

“Aloha, Oy!, Part 1”

Dan Isidro: Where did you get such crazy ideas? <Jimmy's theory about Pablo being infected by the Bubonic plague>
Jimmy Barclay: History homework!
Dan Isidro: Really? They say history doesn't teach us anything anymore!

“A Mission for Jimmy”

John Whittaker: What is prayer?
Jimmy Barclay: It's talking to God.
John Whittaker: Close, but no. How about talking with God?

“And When You Pray...”

Jimmy Barclay: I want people to laugh cause I make 'em laugh, not cause I look funny -- don't say a word, Oscar.

“The Very Best of Friends”

Jimmy Barclay: You're just getting a big head 'cause you're getting a big college scholarship, and they're throwing a big party for you later. Big deal!

“It's a Pokenberry Christmas, Part 1”

Mrs. Erskine: Jimmy, hurry. You're missing it. We're trying to find all 50 states in Mr. Baker's liver spots.
Jimmy Barclay: Gotta go.
Donna Barclay: Oh, brother.
Mrs. Erskine: Oh, look! I believe it's Florida!

“Preacher's Kid”

Jimmy Barclay: I say we all rise to congratulate Odyssey First Church's new kind of, sort of, in between pastor, for the time being...

“George Under Pressure”

George Barclay: Oh, it's not that cold.
Jimmy Barclay: Dad, when you opened the door, three penguins waddled out!

“The Barclay Family Ski Vacation”

Jimmy Barclay: Ok, so Dad's not a mechanic. That's all right. He got it fixed before we left in the morning. Well, almost fixed. We have to push the lighter in to turn on the windshield wipers.

“Family Vacation, Part 1”

Donna Barclay: I want to know why you were so anxious to go to bed.
Jimmy Barclay: I wasn't anxious, you were anxious.
Donna Barclay: I was not! What makes you think I have anything to be anxious about?
Jimmy Barclay: Your anxiousness makes me think you have something to be anxious about.
Donna Barclay: I don't believe it. You acted awfully anxious for someone who says you didn't have anything to be anxious about.
Jimmy Barclay: That's because you made me feel anxious by being anxious.

“The Meaning of Sacrifice”

Jack Davis: Maybe I should bow out and let you have her. I mean, Lucy deserves somebody who can make a decision.
Jimmy Barclay: Yeah, but that's not me. I can't make a decision. It takes me fifteen minutes just to pick out something off the value menu.

“The Triangled Web, Part 2”

Joe Finneman: You wan'a have a go at Zappazoids while you wait?
Jimmy Barclay: Sure! Well, uh no thanks.
Joe Finneman: The end of the world must be coming and I must be standing in the middle of it. Why not?
Jimmy Barclay: We're giving TV up for a month and Zappazoids was part of the deal.
Joe Finneman: But, that's like giving up breathing or having your nose hairs plucked out!
Jimmy Barclay: You're telling me! Nose hairs?

“The Meaning of Sacrifice”

Jimmy Barclay: The lawn's on fire! The lawn's on fire! Who's got a fire extinguisher?
Curt Stevens: You were supposed to bring that!
Jimmy Barclay: I knew that!

“The Triangled Web, Part 2”

Jimmy Barclay: Donna, you have to come over here. Mr. Williams is doing a puppet show using a zucchini, a rolled up paper plate, and his dentures. It's hilarious!

“Preacher's Kid”

Jimmy Barclay: I'm a man of principle!
Donna Barclay: You mean you're a man who GOES to the principal!

“The Meaning of Sacrifice”

Jimmy Barclay: All that excitement for a piece of tire rubber. Anyway, we drove for a little while and then stopped at one of those diner kind of restaurants where all the waitresses call you "honey" and look just like my Great-Grandma Benson right before she died.

“Family Vacation, Part 1”

Jimmy Barclay: Mr. Zachary, did you see that? I almost made it to the target!
Fred Zachary: Very good, Jimmy! I bet the arrow would go a little further if you let it go at the same time you let go of the string....!
Jimmy Barclay: Wow! Great idea!

“Connie Goes to Camp, Part 1”

Fred Zachary: Listen, I think maybe it's time for the big leagues.
Jack Davis: You mean—
Fred Zachary: That's right. Let's get this canoe out of the swimming pool, and see how ya do in the lake!
Jack Davis: Yeah!
Oscar Peterson: All right!
Jimmy Barclay: Cool!
Oscar Peterson: Can I still keep my life preserver on?
Fred Zachary: Absolutely!

“Connie Goes to Camp, Part 1”

Jimmy Barclay: One for all and all for one. Or something like that.

“George Under Pressure”


Rusty: Are you calling me a sissy?!
Jimmy: Well, if the dress fits....

“Our Father”

Jimmy Barclay "I would tell you the rest, but this is a family show